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Proactive way to avoid post marital problems with In laws

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by Annabela, Dec 13, 2012.

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  1. Dec 13, 2012 #1
    Annabela

    Annabela New IL'ite

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    After going through a lot of posts on the problems with In laws I would like suggestions to avoid the problems before it might start. Here are my own suggestions.

    1) If a girls wants to have a nuclear family after marriage talk to the prospective grooms you meet.

    2) The step 1 might be risky, as the girl be named a home breaker even before wedding.
    So just get married and then try to convince the husband to move out saying that this way there is no chance of getting into any type of clashes. One can still be at good terms being separate. As long as the ILs are fit and are able to live independently this solution is ideal. The son can learn to be independent and be responsible. As per hindu culture, the parents used to move out after their children got married (Vanaprastha) and go to forest. The parents need not go to forest, but stop interfering in son's life by being away. They should support when asked for. They should not expect returns from their sons because they made sacrifices to bring them up. That was their duty.

    3) The new Inlaws can themselves propose step 2. My parents did it and it worked out. The sons can move out without any guilt. Often the sons keep silent with a sense of guilt that they are betraying their parents. So ideally stay somewhere close to them if possiible.

    4) If steps 2 and 3 does not work, the sons can move out of town and hence move out of the house.

    5) In all the cases the sons can very well be performing their duties by supporting their parents financially and physically. They can meet each other as often as wanted without problems.
     
    Annabela, Dec 13, 2012
    Annabela, Dec 13, 2012
    #1
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  2. Dec 14, 2012 #2
    justanothergirl

    justanothergirl IL Hall of Fame

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    2 is a bad recommendation on many fronts.
    Every individual has a right to live their life the way they choose to. If u dont want to stay in a joint family thats completely fine...be upfront. Dont marry and then make a stipulation.Thats called holding people ransom. We wouldnt like it if we were told we would be in a nuclear family and then forced to stay in joint ...now would we?
     
    justanothergirl, Dec 14, 2012
    justanothergirl, Dec 14, 2012
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  3. Dec 14, 2012 #3
    tulipzz

    tulipzz Platinum IL'ite

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    That way my mil was very smart. She asked us o live separately from day1 - so everyone thinks she is a modern good natured mil who wanted to give the newly weds some space. What she did next was, ask us to come to their place every weekend and then interfere in everything I (we) did....
     
    tulipzz, Dec 14, 2012
    tulipzz, Dec 14, 2012
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  4. Dec 14, 2012 #4
    beanstalk

    beanstalk Gold IL'ite

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    I think no suggestions can reaLly work... The primary factor is chemistry between a girl and her spouse. You can ensure 50 things but you cannot ensure people turning against the promised 50 things.

    I have atleast thought the best thing in my relationship was a long courtship period which gave me time to understand his family and him and an opportunity to break an alliance if I found it too constraining or hateful. Even then I think sometimes, that it was enough for me and him to understand each other but not family.

    I also do sugget mentoning living separately without inlaws in first few discussions if that is what you want. Dont fix everything and ask him to separate later when he might have no intentions. If that is important to you, stand true to yourself, and bear the consequence.
    I also think if you have resposnsibilities towards your family or feel obligated to, mention it very clearly not just to your spouse but in laws to save yourself from drama later of how girls should be dedicated to their husband's family and forget their own.
     
    beanstalk, Dec 14, 2012
    beanstalk, Dec 14, 2012
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  5. Dec 14, 2012 #5
    silvertulip

    silvertulip Platinum IL'ite

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    Well, I think none of the options work in reality. It's a matter of perspective and understanding between people. There can be people who live under the same roof and still give space to each other, and there can be people who live far, still they interfere and create misunderstandings!

    If you don't want to live with in-laws, be clear about it and don't marry a guy who wants to live with his parents. Step 2 is a bad idea, if the guy won't agree, then what will you do? Make ur married life a mess?

    There will be very few parents and sons who will prefer that they move out after marriage. Better have a clear understanding of ur fiance's thought process and have a clear talk with him on ur expectations and ur fiance and his family's expectations. It can't be a 100% solution, yet it can help in finding ways to the future issues and problems.
     
    silvertulip, Dec 14, 2012
    silvertulip, Dec 14, 2012
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  6. Dec 14, 2012 #6
    ruknights

    ruknights New IL'ite

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    your suggestions are not realistic.. if you want to stay seperate tell that before the wedding.. also be prepared for this fact that some guys do agree to stay seperate just to get married ... after wedding, they will actually stay with parents...

    and your in-laws may/may not interfere whether you live with them or not.. everyone is different so you cant generalize
     
    ruknights, Dec 14, 2012
    ruknights, Dec 14, 2012
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  7. Dec 14, 2012 #7
    imeandmyself

    imeandmyself Bronze IL'ite

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    No offensive please,
    that means according to you, moving out and living separately is the 'only' solution to avoid problems with inlaws ?
     
    imeandmyself, Dec 14, 2012
    imeandmyself, Dec 14, 2012
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  8. Dec 14, 2012 #8
    sweetshreya

    sweetshreya IL Hall of Fame

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    Wish our lives really were such running algorithms. I hope we evolve into mechanical robots who can be fed programs full of 'if... then.... else...' statements, calling functions, etc. :-(
     
    sweetshreya, Dec 14, 2012
    sweetshreya, Dec 14, 2012
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  9. Dec 14, 2012 #9
    ruknights

    ruknights New IL'ite

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    lol i just noticed " 'if... then.... else...' statements" .. it does sound like mathematical equation or some scientific method :rotfl
     
    ruknights, Dec 14, 2012
    ruknights, Dec 14, 2012
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  10. Dec 14, 2012 #10
    fencesitter

    fencesitter Platinum IL'ite

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    marrying a house husband might help?
     
    fencesitter, Dec 14, 2012
    fencesitter, Dec 14, 2012
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