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Pride And Sorry

Discussion in 'Friends & Neighbours' started by anika987, Jan 4, 2017.

  1. anika987

    anika987 IL Hall of Fame

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    I do not hate asking sorry..even if it is not my mistake..but I do it.however,I feel so low after apologizing even if it is not my mistake/or my mistake.

    I Feel that apologizing makes you inferior to the other person..definitely not ego but the feeling it gives me ..cant put a word..

    Yesterday morning I accidentally scratched the car of a neighbor.It was not intentional and I knocked their door to talk to them about it.since they were not home,I left home to drop kid in daycare and went to my aunt's place.In the evening when I came home,my neighbor was pissed off and told me one of the other neighbors saw me scratch the car while driving.I apologized to him and said I swear it was not intentional.He calmed down and things are fine now.However,I felt terrible coz I apologized three times and used words like swear...angry with myself

    Another time when my friend got mad at me coz I said something which she thought offended her,I told her I really did not mean it(I did not mean it at all and it was not even intended at her)she refused to calm down.Then I apologized two times and then calm down.Am so angry with myself.

    Mistake or not,I do not mind saying sorry.However,I become intense and say sorry till they calm down.I hate myself for that...

    Have you apologized profusely and felt ok about it??I have seen many men and women who do not apologize and are very strong in facing situations.Me on the other hand say sorry at the drop of an hat and am not able to control it.

    My sorry mends relationships but breaks my heart...
     
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  2. Itshightime

    Itshightime Bronze IL'ite

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    Saying sorry for one time isn't bad, i guess. We say sorry even when we sneeze and it is unintentional. When you are mistaken, accepting the mistake and expressing sorry from heart is the proper code of conduct. You scratched the car. The owner had every right to be agitated. You say sorry and if possible, bear the cost of mending the damage.
    But by saying sorry again and again, you are doing harm to yourself and to the relationship in question.

    About the friend you mentioned about here.. You are better off without her. She is not willing to listen to your side of story. Friends don't do that. Do not try to fix the friendship by de-valuing yourself.
     
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  3. anika987

    anika987 IL Hall of Fame

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    Hi it's high time,
    You gave me the correct word dear. "devalue"

    The neighbor is my next door and we hardly even meet though.However,he has every right to be pissed off and so I said sorry like two three times and told him it was not intentional.He calmed down.I did that coz he loves next door and for many years.

    My only anger is those community neighbors could have come and questioned me first if I told the neighbor abt the car.

    As for that friend(who is my ex thankfully) mad mentioned in my other threads..she scares me coz she is loud and rude.The fight we had was about something she was working on and I suddenly thought of my cousin who did the same work and made some mistakes and made a reference.Honestly,I never even from the bottom of my heart thought to hurt her.

    After two three weeks,I felt she was very rigid and one fine day she blurted out and very angrily kept saying I was sarcastic and sarcastic and I told her that I never even meant about her.She refused to listen and kept going.To stop her I apologized two three times and then only she calmed down and said that there was no need for me to apologize!Dont know why I felt angry at myself that way and that was one of the reasons I started to drift away.Gave it two solid years to slowly move away,she reetused to take hint and one find day abruptly left her.

    Thought it was over but no :) As Said in my other threads her besties are my kid's friend's moms and they already refuse to even smile at me...my luck!!

    It's not like I like asking sorry but it is a defense mechanism and calms people instantly.Negative reaction is they may be fine but my anger makes me distance from them.Asking sorry is not a sin but I feel am the only one apologizing:)
     
  4. guesshoo

    guesshoo IL Hall of Fame

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    Apologising is necessary. It helps us remain civil. I suppose it is very important to know how to go about it. Grovelling is usually unnecessary.

    In the case of your neighbour, he was rightfully angry because the person at fault had gone without apologising - not his problem that he wasn't around. The expectation in these countries is to leave a note if the person isn't around. If he thought you were evading him, he would be mad. Since it was your slip up, unfortunately you had to grovel.

    The alternative is to apologise and quickly ask is there a way I can make it up? Hats what i do. If the person doesn't calm down and respond, i give them time and leave - sincerely apologise just once more and let them know I would look forward to hearing from them if there is anything I could do to fix it.

    As for bullies like your friend, there's a while different way of dealing with it as has been discussed here before.

    When I say sorry for repeatedly perceived slights,I say, I'm sorry it came across the wrong way or I'm sorry you felt upset by that rather than sorry I said blah blah. That way you aren't taking the blame.

    And a persons refuse to accept an apology is their prerogative. If the person seems inflexible, sincerely apologisig -if the fault is really yours- quickly leaving is the best resort.
     
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  5. anika987

    anika987 IL Hall of Fame

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    Thanks gueshoo..

    My intention was not to evade him at all.i sincerely thought there was no problem in the car.He was upset but I would not say he was loud or rude.I felt I looked bad in his eyes .His look was "gosh!!are you serious for not telling me"?Thankfully the damage was very mild.


    As for the friend,I honestly do not miss her and feel myself after a long time.However, I feel she is still around through her besties who are not happy with me.It bothers as they are my kid's friend's moms.They don't know my side of the story and blindly believe her.

    Anyways I think these are passing clouds and moments like these make me somehow miss my country and fellowmen.Not that in India everyone is sweet :) but feel some security there
     
  6. generic

    generic Gold IL'ite

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    In fiRst case the neighbour had genuine reason to be angry..his anger made him lose his cool and he calmed down after u said sorry several times..since u dint inform, he though u were dishonest and evading the issue..let it go.
    Second case, ur friend seems to be dominating and pushy type, she did not have capacity to understand ur point of view or accept ur apology...certain people are extremely unreasonable and stubborn...they just keep going on and on with their stuff and do not care about hurting others.just do not associate ur self with such people they will try to suppress you and spoil peace of mind.
    FYI I have been in similar situations, and found that certain people just can't be reasoned with.they think that being aggressive makes them win in life but they make many enemies along the way.
     
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  7. anika987

    anika987 IL Hall of Fame

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    Thanks dear .For some reason the friend seems to be having zillion friends which makes me actually second guess myself all the time :) She has lots of friends to party with her and they seem to enjoy her company so I beat myself and strongly introspect myself all the time if am the one who is wrong but my instinct says otherwise.
     
  8. generic

    generic Gold IL'ite

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    I get ur point Anika...When I was in school also I remember one girl who was a school and class leader, quite friendly and talkative and intelligent but also mean and used to do backbiting and dominate over those who were a little timid by nature..by some point of time she has bitched about everyone, including her close friends and many disliked her , but it's quite funny how popular she was till the end of our schooldays and how everyone would consult her while organising anything, including teachers and students! I guess some people just have this magnetic personality...anyway, such people have their cliques who blindly follow whatever they say ..a small group of people who are very close and remaining everyone are just hi and bye friends whom they are friends with as they may be of some use to them, sort of building contacts and connections and all..and such people cannot be real and genuine friends with many....those who value friendship and goodness of the heart would better find other friends.
     
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