Pressure to start a family!

Hi EPL,

When I got married, an aunt of mine who got married off at 16 and had her first child at 17 came to me and gave me the sweetest lecture.

"You girls have studied a lot. We never had this opportunity. I'm sure you have lots of aims and aspirations. You might want to study further/ go around the world/ learn a new language/ further your career. Go on and do it. Don't misunderstand me, but don't have a child immediately. Take your time. Enjoy yourselves. Discover yourself. Once you have a child you will have to forego a lot of things. It is not fair, either on you or on the child, if you ever felt that you made a mistake having that child. There will be a point when you feel you've done all that you want to do and the next step is to have a child. Medicine has evolved a LOT and will help you in case, God forbid, you need assistance. Just go now and conquer the world."

How I wish all the people of her generation were like that! I was well into my 30s and married for nearly a decade when I had my healthy DD. Don't you worry.

Here's something that might help in your situation. Since you are planning to just nod your head, simply say, "We have already discussed and agreed. Why stress further about it?" and change the topic. Consistently. If they start talking about the astrologer, say they've told you before and change the topic.

For subtle hints, just serenely say, "All in good time." and change the topic.(Have a bunch of topics handy)

If they start commenting on your trips, let DH take over. Any time I got a comment on how wasteful I was being, I'd just say, "If you react this way, we just won't tell you about the things we do and buy." If they think ill of you, so be it. As long as they don't show it directly on you, take things they say at face value and carry on.

Go on and conquer the world!
G

Edit: My defenses
- Initially, I used to offend people who asked about a baby saying they were too old fashioned and I was too highly educated to leave my career.
- When mums started saying I could have a baby, hand it over to them and continue my career, I'd say, you've had your chance to raise your kids. When the time is right, I'd raise mine. I won't have anyone else raising my children. Anyone who wants to raise children can give birth to their own
- Retort that if you stress me more about this, I'll delay having a child just to spite you.
- When one family member said the older I got, the less chance I had of having a child, I said, in that case, I'll adopt when I'm good and ready. (I was serious about it)
- When people keep asking about "good news", I'd tell them about my promotion or the flat that I bought.
- When the sets of parents ask about "good news", I'd just tell them as soooooon as it happens, we'd let you know.
- When other random people started their lectures, I'd look directly into their eyes and say, "We're trying." If they ask for details, I used to say "I don't want to talk about it" and change the topic. It gave the impression that something was wrong and the lecturer was too embarrassed to annoy us further about it.
- I nearly forgot. With parents pestering, gave serious look and asked them to double their prayers.

I'm sorry but I am irreverent and evil when people pester me for years and years

 

You can do 2 things ask your DH to talk strongly that you guys are not planning right now or develop a thick skin and live your life.
We tried both for 1st kid 2nd option but we where miserable. Stop calling any relatives to India because they went crying to everyone to put some sense in us.
For 2nd one 1 option and that was best thing we ever did.

 

you ask your parents to shut up. Ask your husband to make his parents shut up

 

for friends and relatives who give bhashan, ask them about their life and kids instead. people love to gab about themselves.

 

My ILs used to always say 'Have kids and give it to us and you can go to the US or anywhere for earning money'. I told them quite strictly that when I have kids ' I will be raising them and not them'. After we had moved to the US, they once said ' When you get pregnant, you come here and we will take care of you'. I started laughing and asked FIL ' Will you be taking care of me better than my DH does ? Why should my DH not be involved in the growth of the child. I will not be doing any such thing'.

Finally after these 2 lines from me they stopped asking me or giving some ridiculous suggestions.

 

Dear EatPrayLove,

Just tell them politely how insecure your jobs are (even if they are secure enough )......Then Politely tell them that you too are eager enough to have a baby provided you have some 30 Lacs (INR) ready cash in the form of deposits in your Indian Bank, because any time u may have to go back to India........So if possible tell ur inlaws to deposit the said amount in ur bank and then u r all ready to give them the most precious gift ....(Also pls ask ur FIL to consult the family astrologer if 30 Lacs would be enough or the amount has be more).............Pls tell me what happens next.....

 

Hi EH

I can understand all about opinionated family members......sometimes it infuriates me whewn parents want to micromanage their children's life....

Anyway OP- like many said just say you would love to have a child and when time is right they will come along and hope they will leave you alone.....Wish parents would sometimes grow up though.