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Preparing For A Move

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by SGBV, Oct 5, 2021.

  1. NOW

    NOW Silver IL'ite

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    I have read few of your posts before and my perspective is that whatever dynamic your mother has with your brother and sis-in-law should be addressed head-on by her. Time has come for your mom to directly or indirectly let your brother know that this time it is actually her decision to move to a different country with you and not a necessity or circumstantial. That may make your brother and his wife also think what prompted her to make that call and they may improve their relation with your mom. After-all location wise your mom is better is off with your brother and after you guys settle down she can visit you guys often in the new country. You should neither be be feeling guilty of separating your mom and brother nor put her in a tough environment which she does not fully realize about. I mean, even people in 20's and 30's get lost and feel alone when they move to a new country as dependents with their spouse etc..
     
  2. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    Thanks a lot friends. Different perspectives, different suggestions and opinions make me fully equipped to handle this matter in life. Thanks again.

    To address a few of your concerns:

    Socializing may not be a problem for mom unless other south asian ladies. Because our locality is special, and there are large villas with less number of people. The neighbors don't interact with each other, and sometimes we don't even see our neighbors for months. It is not the case in small towns or villages in Sri lanka.
    We don't usually have guests coming over, unless there are special events or parties. Most people are busy with work & their own family matters. So, we don't socialize much.

    Mom is used to this, and all her relationship/friendship happens via whatsapp only. She is very good at networking and maintain her relationship with all this way.

    So, it is my brother & his family that visits us regularly. Even my sister, who lives in SL would visit only twice or thrice a year.
     
  3. beautifullife30

    beautifullife30 Finest Post Winner

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    Hey OP,

    Look, what he wants to propose, let him. She is his mom too. So its only fair he also wants to stay with her.

    Here is the problem. most of us humans have this tendency of trying to play nice and ignore when it comes to problems to remain in the good books of our near and dear.

    Either your mom has to be open with your brother about this SIL issue. Or your brother is ignoring what is staring right in front of his face. Not just your SIL, but infact, i feel your brother, SIL and your mom are together responsible for this mess they are in.

    My simple suggestion to you would be to avoid going in-between this. I am telling you this from my hard and bitter experience i faced on this front. At the end of the day, your mom and brother would forget all the fights and be normal BUT you would end up being the bad guy to your brother. and your relation with your brother would sour if you get in-between them.

    This is their issue, let them sort it. Do not go in all that.

    He would or might if you go and stand in front of him and say i want to take mom with me.

    First talk to your mother. Tell her why you are being forced to take this step. Explain every thing in detail so she feels included. Tell her all the choices you were considering.

    See, elders have this need to feel important. Instead of just informing her, tell and ask her opinion also. What she feels, how things can be improved, what can be done and everything. This talk would help build your bond too. She might not understand in the first go but sit and talk her through until she does.

    I spent a week explaining my mom about the benefits of a front load washing machine vs a top load one which she wanted. The hue and cry was to much but in the end, after a week long explanation she is now happy.

    And when you are planning, make sure you are always including her in the move, so she doesnt feel like you are adding her as the last thing or something. Finally, she will understand, if not, she will atleast be ok with it.

    If she decides to travel with you, ask her to inform your brother. That way, your brother knows its her choice and not your to force her to move.

    Also, you brother can't act blind or dumb to not understand the dynamics at home. And he cant make you feel guilty for taking care of mom. If he felt so much, he should have dug deeper into the issue of why mom wasn't staying with him inspite of he asking her so many times.

    Either he did but he was ok with her staying with you avoid confronting his wife or he was maybe a little lazy to think about this.

    One sibling cant hold another guilty for something happening to a parent who is being taken care of by the other. That's plain wrong.

    It happened initially when i started taking care of mom, i used to listen to nonsensical advise by these so called relatives "don't make mom work" "she is not your maid" "she should be respected" "she is not your nanny". Earlier i kept quite but later i gave it back. IF they want, they could have taken care but they didnt. Instead they are always willing to give free advise on how i should treat my mom.

    Yes, she is mom but she is not the queen of my house. She has her own tasks to do just like i have mine.

    Ignore all that negativity and be strong and put them - even your sibling - in their place when someone talks like that about you inspite of taking good care of your mom.

    Ahhh....lets not bring it to that.
     
    Thyagarajan likes this.
  4. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    True. More than laziness, he is busy. He seldom spends time at home and never bothers to understand the in-house politics.
    More so, SIL is good at acting. Anyone would think, she is a perfect dutiful DIL. She shows a completly different face when her H is not around.
    I and my other sister handle this relationship with care. We never interfere into their matters, and always visit them when brother is around. We all had our shares of disapointment and hurt at their place, but silently ignored them.
    Because our brother is one gem of a person. We don't want to compromise on this relationship for anything.

    Mom too had her issues with SIL. She was hurt, disapointed, ill-treated, and insulted at their place, but she doesn't find the courage to discuss the same before her son. Knowing her son's anger, and her DIL's tacts, mom feels insecure and incapacitated before them.
    I have seen her fear and worry in the past, especially last year around the same time when she was supposed to be moving there.
    That was one of the reason why I felt guilt and finally resigned from that international position.
    (Because mom's visa was rejected).

    So, this time it is about mom.

    I will brief her clearly once I have concrete information about the move.
    I will ask her opinion, and give explanations if she has doubts.
    I will make her feel comfortable in all the possible ways, so that she feels included and invited.

    I will also ask her to disclose this with brother. Given last year's drama, I am sure my brother won't interfere much about mom's decision this time.
    He must have had the clue about mom's fear and disagreement about moving in with him.
    He must know why on earth a mother is reluctant to visit her son, even if that is for 1/2 day on special days like birthdays. That too when I am at home, and my kids are grown. So, there is no need for mom to be here full time.

    Anyways, I will stay strong this time, and plan this move strategically without giving in to emotional thoughts
     
    NOW likes this.
  5. NOW

    NOW Silver IL'ite

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    It is good to think in all the possible angles before making decisions. Truth is, in relationships especially no matter what the norm is or what is the right thing to do..sometimes people do what is most comfortable to them and what they can "live with" at the end of the day. Good luck to your family for the move :)
     
  6. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    My past experiences have slowed me down when it comes to making serious decisions like these. I have never been like this before. Always followed my heart and accepted what comes my way. But this is different; hence I am analysing from all end.

    I feel like, we should be able to handle our problems in our own way. Unless our decisions harm others, there is nothing to worry about other's decision. I am going to explain this to mom in such a way she understands this.

    Her decision to move in with me should be her personal. Given all the available options, she must chose one as per her own comfort level.
    At the age of 72, she is not to going to contribute anything major in anyone's life. Rather, this is her time to rest, relax and enjoy the remaining parts of her life. She should prioritize that.
    I am ready to support her in whatever the decisions she makes in this regard. Even I would consider, if she truly wants to stay back for her own reasons.

    But, she is thinking on behalf of others. That's the problem here.
    If she can not go to brother's home, she must say that openly in such a way... so her son understands that, and accepts that. He is not a child and he can't act blind or in shock with this news.
    He shouldn't take this too personal, because it is not about him.... and certain things can not be changed with power. So, he shouldn't feel powerless when he can not look after his own mom after all.

    If mom can not speak, I will speak this time with brother. Hope he will understand
     
  7. Viswamitra

    Viswamitra IL Hall of Fame

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    @SGBV,

    Kids: They are the fastest to adjust to a new environment and educational system and before you realize it, they will be deep into it. It will be just a year of adjustment and nothing more.

    Properties: If you have companies that administer and manage properties, it would be the ideal option as opposed to relying on your brother as you said he was busy otherwise. It may involve some cost but at least there is someone who is maintaining and managing it. Even rental arrangements can be organized by them and only time you need to get involved will be to approve of all their decisions.

    Mother: As she is 72, it is best if you can think of only two options: a) living with you in a new country or b) living with your brother in Sri Lanka. Giving her an option to leave alone would be more problem for you as well as your brother.
     
  8. paru123

    paru123 Gold IL'ite

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    Op,
    I think your mom will be ready to live with you in a new country as she has lived major part of her life with you all n especially during those times when you were out of SL and it was only your kids and husband with her.

    Even if she disapproves your moving out or she gives excuses or reasons about you not thinking of her in her old age, then you can give an aditional option of her staying very close to your brother's home. That way there wont be any clash with your SIL and your brother can also keep a check on her regularly. It is not wise to leave her alone in your house with a maid.
     
  9. Reesha

    Reesha Silver IL'ite

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    leave lanka & come to India :)
     

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