Pregnant & So Unhappy :-( Advice Needed Pls!

vanithaudt · Mar 25, 2017

Oh dear, I can understanfmd how stressed you could be. But don't grow negatively during pregnancy and it could affect the baby. Mom is the best saviour of baby. I kind of think, you dont have great impression on inlaws. You are scared that their behaviour would affect/stres you and then thatbwould affect the baby. We are animals and our basic instinct is to protect our babies. There is nothing wrong in it. We may say x y z. But you know about your inlaws. You only know how much they are helpful to you. You go to your moms place and stay there peacefully for few months. When I say that pregnancy is not sickness, so do all chores at your parents place. Dont be selfish and trouble your parents. I can see you are matured person and you will deal this well.

Sanjanaswami · Mar 25, 2017

Congrats on your pregnancy.
You should concentrate on your health right now and just be happy for your little one within you. Your in laws will be excited for they are going to see the grand child soon. So be calm. Let them visit you. You just wait and watch what's happening. Who knows. They may help you a lot also. So don't be stressed too much because this is the time for you to be very happy. Time will change everything. Just be blank and welcome them. Be calm and stay cool always. God bless you.All the very best.

blackbeauty84 · Mar 29, 2017

This is just my view...I feel Handling inlaws in Pregnancy is easier than when baby comes. With Baby's arrival people will bombard you with lots of advices, do's & don'ts you generally feel confused. If inlaws are around they will force their way of handling baby which might not be easy to follow.
At least now you are pregnant and active. Initial few months of baby you will always be sleep deprived and handling them will be extra stressful.
Congrats and enjoy this period.

desigirl1 · Mar 30, 2017

Thanks everyone for your advice! I really really appreciate it. Yes, you guys are absolutely right...pregnancy is not a sickness..and its actually better to do chores etc to get some exercise! However, I know my inlaws will not be helpful at all. I think if my hubby is smart he won't call them now before delivery...but either way I will have to handle them. If they come now then also I will go to my parents place after 2-3 weeks of them coming and if they come after baby..well then we have already planned that I will be going to my parents after 3 months or so after delivery to start searching for a job and start to settle in that city.

Right now, I am going to arrange the interview for next week as I don't knw if the job is still available. If it is, I will visit my parents and do the interview and then see where to go from there. If I take that job, hubby will be commuting between both cities and so chances of him calling his parents are very low. But, my parents are advising that I stay in my own home and take rest as there is no point starting a new job now as I have already finished 2 months of pregnancy now. My field is also very demanding (structural engineer) so any new job will be tough right now and parents are suggesting either i find a job locally, or i wait till after baby to start working now. I'm not sure what I want to do tho...i think i will attend the interview and then decide depending on the job requirements.

ALSO:: I wanted to say I really expected my pregnancy will bring me and my hubby much closer but unfortunately this hasn't been the case! We actually had a great bond...but then somehow this year we started fighting a lot. If you read my previous post...he cancelled our anniversary celebration trip in December to Hawaii for a number of excuses. So then we planned this trip to Europe coming up but we knew it might interfere with pregnancy..and I explained this to him then too but he still did not listen! We are going now to Europe, but I will be in my 13th week of pregnancy...and it will be so risky travelling so far! Anyway..so this vacation thing created a big fight between us for a few months over christmas time. At the same time, his parents started calling all the time every weekend and whenever we were going somewhere we would get late and they would not understand that we are out or with other people. Once we got so late for a movie we missed the show and had to refund our tickets. These might seem like small things to many of you...but it was just purely annoying! they are soo needy of his time even tho they have another son that lives near them in India and they are always at his house with his wife and kid. Another thing is my hubby used to be a super social butterfly...but he is Maharashtrian, and I am North Indian....so his mother tongue is marathi although he speaks fluent hindi and he never asked me to learn marathi before shaadi although I always said I would try...but its way too hard! I didn't even grow up in India...so I speak basic pure hindi...but learning a new indian language is way harder for me! Anyway..so after our marriage he stopped seeing his friends much..as every time we met them they only speak in Marathi and then I feel left out. Now over time he has started to resent me over these small things (I guess they are small things for me, but big things for him!). I told him I will change this stuff...and I have started to call his friends over more etc...but he still holds onto some resentment and i feel is always holding some grudge against me. I wish he would be soo happy all the time...we were so worried it would take time to get pregnant..and now that we are we both are missing all the fun of it and spending all the time quarrelling. When I discus this with him he says well maybe i need to change. The thing is we both need to change...or at least he needs to be open minded and stop always thinking negatively about me. I notice his resentment in small things like i was telling him his snoring is so loud nowadays and he said then turn the other way and sleep or get ear plugs whereas before he would ask if there something he can do to fix it. This is a silly example...but it just shows his negativity.

Do you guys suggest anything for me to make it better. I really want to enjoy this pregnancy and really want it to bring us closer rather than the opposite.

boldnbutiful · Mar 30, 2017

desigirl1 said: ↑

Thanks everyone for your advice! I really really appreciate it. Yes, you guys are absolutely right...pregnancy is not a sickness..and its actually better to do chores etc to get some exercise! However, I know my inlaws will not be helpful at all. I think if my hubby is smart he won't call them now before delivery...but either way I will have to handle them. If they come now then also I will go to my parents place after 2-3 weeks of them coming and if they come after baby..well then we have already planned that I will be going to my parents after 3 months or so after delivery to start searching for a job and start to settle in that city.

Right now, I am going to arrange the interview for next week as I don't knw if the job is still available. If it is, I will visit my parents and do the interview and then see where to go from there. If I take that job, hubby will be commuting between both cities and so chances of him calling his parents are very low. But, my parents are advising that I stay in my own home and take rest as there is no point starting a new job now as I have already finished 2 months of pregnancy now. My field is also very demanding (structural engineer) so any new job will be tough right now and parents are suggesting either i find a job locally, or i wait till after baby to start working now. I'm not sure what I want to do tho...i think i will attend the interview and then decide depending on the job requirements.

ALSO:: I wanted to say I really expected my pregnancy will bring me and my hubby much closer but unfortunately this hasn't been the case! We actually had a great bond...but then somehow this year we started fighting a lot. If you read my previous post...he cancelled our anniversary celebration trip in December to Hawaii for a number of excuses. So then we planned this trip to Europe coming up but we knew it might interfere with pregnancy..and I explained this to him then too but he still did not listen! We are going now to Europe, but I will be in my 13th week of pregnancy...and it will be so risky travelling so far! Anyway..so this vacation thing created a big fight between us for a few months over christmas time. At the same time, his parents started calling all the time every weekend and whenever we were going somewhere we would get late and they would not understand that we are out or with other people. Once we got so late for a movie we missed the show and had to refund our tickets. These might seem like small things to many of you...but it was just purely annoying! they are soo needy of his time even tho they have another son that lives near them in India and they are always at his house with his wife and kid. Another thing is my hubby used to be a super social butterfly...but he is Maharashtrian, and I am North Indian....so his mother tongue is marathi although he speaks fluent hindi and he never asked me to learn marathi before shaadi although I always said I would try...but its way too hard! I didn't even grow up in India...so I speak basic pure hindi...but learning a new indian language is way harder for me! Anyway..so after our marriage he stopped seeing his friends much..as every time we met them they only speak in Marathi and then I feel left out. Now over time he has started to resent me over these small things (I guess they are small things for me, but big things for him!). I told him I will change this stuff...and I have started to call his friends over more etc...but he still holds onto some resentment and i feel is always holding some grudge against me. I wish he would be soo happy all the time...we were so worried it would take time to get pregnant..and now that we are we both are missing all the fun of it and spending all the time quarrelling. When I discus this with him he says well maybe i need to change. The thing is we both need to change...or at least he needs to be open minded and stop always thinking negatively about me. I notice his resentment in small things like i was telling him his snoring is so loud nowadays and he said then turn the other way and sleep or get ear plugs whereas before he would ask if there something he can do to fix it. This is a silly example...but it just shows his negativity.

Do you guys suggest anything for me to make it better. I really want to enjoy this pregnancy and really want it to bring us closer rather than the opposite.
Click to expand...

Hey ,
The same hpnd with me too..thought pregnancy and child birth will bring me n hubby closer( as everyone sayss so) but it totally opposite here..we fought a lot for trivial reasons..my in lws came too and used to secretly tlk t my hubby ,dun know about what..

Even after child birth we still fight, the care and attention,intimacy is almost non existent . So much difference of opinion that I wonder that my child will be effected and think if I did a right thing ...

Pregnancy is a major stage where a women body,mind,priority,outlook everything changes at this stage we expect respect and understanding from partners whereas most husbands understand and support wives(especially when out of country ) unfortunately some dont ..

I m eagerly waiting t see suggestions so even I could use some..me n hubby sleeping separately even after z5 months of having baby stressing m a lot on top caring fr a very fussy baby ( all tension during pregnancy made by baby fussy I think )

fourthaugust · Mar 30, 2017

desigirl1 said: ↑

Thanks everyone for your advice! I really really appreciate it. Yes, you guys are absolutely right...pregnancy is not a sickness..and its actually better to do chores etc to get some exercise! However, I know my inlaws will not be helpful at all. I think if my hubby is smart he won't call them now before delivery...but either way I will have to handle them. If they come now then also I will go to my parents place after 2-3 weeks of them coming and if they come after baby..well then we have already planned that I will be going to my parents after 3 months or so after delivery to start searching for a job and start to settle in that city.

Right now, I am going to arrange the interview for next week as I don't knw if the job is still available. If it is, I will visit my parents and do the interview and then see where to go from there. If I take that job, hubby will be commuting between both cities and so chances of him calling his parents are very low. But, my parents are advising that I stay in my own home and take rest as there is no point starting a new job now as I have already finished 2 months of pregnancy now. My field is also very demanding (structural engineer) so any new job will be tough right now and parents are suggesting either i find a job locally, or i wait till after baby to start working now. I'm not sure what I want to do tho...i think i will attend the interview and then decide depending on the job requirements.

ALSO:: I wanted to say I really expected my pregnancy will bring me and my hubby much closer but unfortunately this hasn't been the case! We actually had a great bond...but then somehow this year we started fighting a lot. If you read my previous post...he cancelled our anniversary celebration trip in December to Hawaii for a number of excuses. So then we planned this trip to Europe coming up but we knew it might interfere with pregnancy..and I explained this to him then too but he still did not listen! We are going now to Europe, but I will be in my 13th week of pregnancy...and it will be so risky travelling so far! Anyway..so this vacation thing created a big fight between us for a few months over christmas time. At the same time, his parents started calling all the time every weekend and whenever we were going somewhere we would get late and they would not understand that we are out or with other people. Once we got so late for a movie we missed the show and had to refund our tickets. These might seem like small things to many of you...but it was just purely annoying! they are soo needy of his time even tho they have another son that lives near them in India and they are always at his house with his wife and kid. Another thing is my hubby used to be a super social butterfly...but he is Maharashtrian, and I am North Indian....so his mother tongue is marathi although he speaks fluent hindi and he never asked me to learn marathi before shaadi although I always said I would try...but its way too hard! I didn't even grow up in India...so I speak basic pure hindi...but learning a new indian language is way harder for me! Anyway..so after our marriage he stopped seeing his friends much..as every time we met them they only speak in Marathi and then I feel left out. Now over time he has started to resent me over these small things (I guess they are small things for me, but big things for him!). I told him I will change this stuff...and I have started to call his friends over more etc...but he still holds onto some resentment and i feel is always holding some grudge against me. I wish he would be soo happy all the time...we were so worried it would take time to get pregnant..and now that we are we both are missing all the fun of it and spending all the time quarrelling. When I discus this with him he says well maybe i need to change. The thing is we both need to change...or at least he needs to be open minded and stop always thinking negatively about me. I notice his resentment in small things like i was telling him his snoring is so loud nowadays and he said then turn the other way and sleep or get ear plugs whereas before he would ask if there something he can do to fix it. This is a silly example...but it just shows his negativity.

Do you guys suggest anything for me to make it better. I really want to enjoy this pregnancy and really want it to bring us closer rather than the opposite.
Click to expand...

First of all you are pregnant. Be happy and grateful to the God for the blessings given to you. You have no idea what people go through who are unable to be a parent. Take care of your health. This can be done by you being happy and less negative. And trust me your emotions directly affect the health of your baby.
if you really want to come closer to your DH, first you need to value your unborn baby. You do not really have any problems in your life. It is all in your head. You are so anxious about your future that you are taking your present for granted. Negativity breeches negativity. So at least for some ti es try to stay happy and you will see your husband is getting less irritated with you.

.

radv · Mar 30, 2017

OP for now make your unborn baby your first priority- it's not only baby's well being but his/her nature, attitude towards life, thinking - all get formed according to your mental health now. So, keep yourself cheerful and positive.

SGBV · Mar 30, 2017

First of all, sorry for being blunt here.

Stop being a selfish kiddo. You want to be close to your H, and enjoy this pregnancy.
It is possible. But you have to stop being selfish.

Your H is not just yours, but he is a son to his parents.
Just how you take the liberty to visit or stay at your parents' place at any given time, your PILs too have the liberty to visit their son's place whenever they want. Their son or his spouse should not say NO, that too for simple reasons as cited by you.
It may seem mean, and definitely it would distance you from your spouse.

What if his parents visit you? What are your worries?
Let them visit their son and spend a few months with him. Be the good host, and supportive wife to your H. Your generosity and adjustment during their stay would bring your H so close to you. That's how love begins after marriage.

Why do you try to escape your house when they visit you?

Are you afraid of MIL's abuse? Afraid of domestic work? Afraid of ill-talks?

How about having an open discussion with H regarding the possible issues..

I could foresee the below issues... but you may have something else

1) Cooking: Who cooks and how
You could ask your H to decide a decent plan. Like you could cook 1 meal, MIL could cook 1 meal, and the 3rd meal could be ordered outside
Your H could help around the kitchen. MIL could completely take over the kitchen. MIL could share the burden with you.
See what suits you best. Ask your H to pitch in when you are not comfortable.
Always remind him that "you are my protection". So, let him take good care of you. \Instead of saying a blunt NO.. try to explain why and how it is not possible.
Who knows, sometimes your MIL will end up cooking her special dish for her son. If so, enjoy the break.

2) Domestic works
Ask your H to find a helper at least during your PILs stay. Get him help you. Get his support if and when MIL passes remarks about your work.
Always give it back then and there, and involve H.

3) Privacy
Needless to tag them along. Use your pregnancy as an excuse to take rest, sleep and be idle as much as you want. Let your H spend some quality time with his folks.

Meanwhile, prepare for your exams, rest when you can, visit your folks, and enjoy your pregnancy...