pregnant n desperately need your advise...?

sknaaz · Jul 8, 2009

hi frnds..
this thing is always bothering me from the past 7 months and i think i really need advise on it so that it doesnt effect my health.so to cut short i am happily married and have a 2 yr old son.iam 7 months pregnant and my hubby takes good care of everything.for my last pregnancy i had called up my mom from india to help me.she had come here with my brother who was coming for some project from india.my brother just stayed for 3 days as his office was in some other city.my mom stayed with us for 6 months and we both went to india after 6 months with the baby.so as she had come with my brother,they themselves booked the ticket.during her stay we took her insurance of around $800,which we never used though.so this was the only big expense from our side.i had C-section and had lot of help from my mom ,and i was very relaxed with my baby as she never allowed me to do anything,although my hubby thought that he can manage everything alone.may be he doesnt know how hard it is.

now this time at the beginning of pregnancy he told me that he doesnt need any help.after that on and off i keep on asking if we can call someone like his mom,he says that its impossible to cal her as she doesnt keep well and she cant leave my unmarried SIL alone and they are looking for her proposals.but he never ask if we can call MY MOM this time too.everybody who meets me keeps on asking me if iam calling my mom (as they know she had come the last time).i had to tell them some or the other excuse like my father wil have problem for food and health if she comes here etc.but why dont my hubby think of this?or otherwise he doesnt want to think of it.i dont know.i know he is very concerned about saving money but isnt this his responsibility to seek help for me?i know when one guest come and stays with u ,your routine do changes but is this all matter so much than my hapiness.
iam unable to figure out why he is behaving like this.he keeps on worrying that he wil have to stay with my son at home as kids are not allowed in the night at hospital and i will have no one other that nurses to take care.he wil take 2 weeks leave after delivery so that he can help me.why all this when i have my mom?

once i was very upset as i was cleaning dishes,and he said dear u go to india for delivery as u are upset that u have no one to take care of u,i replied ," y are u saying so?u have everyone, but u said your mom cant come and you dont WANT my mom to come.he heard me from the other room and said when did i say so,dont know y u think so,and he stopped.
i was expecting him to say something like yea we can call your mom or something,but no he dint.y is he avoiding it.so should i ask directly that can we call my mom?this thing keeps on bothering me and sometimes i cant stop crying.may b he thinks if he asks for it then he wil have to arrange her travel expenses or what?by god's grace my parents are very well off ,they can do it by themselves.or is it that he doesnt want any person to interfere in our world,be it for his own wife's and kids benefit.he is not open minded so iam unable to figure out whats going on his mind and it really bothers me.

so frnds can you please advise me what to do?should i ask him directly that i need my mom or should i keep mum and be ready to manage everything alone which is what my hubby is all set to do.
please help....

limitha · Jul 8, 2009

Hi sknazz

First of all congrats. I think when he gave oppurtuinity to have delivery in India in presence of your mom and dad.Why don't u go? From he's piont of view its right not to call his mom here becoz u only said u got unmarried SIL. Its up to you if u want to ask him directly if he says No wht will u do, rather that u can go to India have a healthy in presence and come back. Its my suggestion but its up to u.

sonamkumar · Jul 8, 2009

I think you should ask him to call your mom if not for six months then for few months like three. It is going to be harder this time as you have a toddler to look after besides a baby. What will you do after the initial 2 weeks when his leave is over.

A women needs at least 40 days to heal after delivery. You will not be in a position to look after both baby and toddler. You even need emotional support during that time. You can use these argument to convince him.

If you think money is the issue first talk to your mom and make sure your parents are ready to pay for travel and health insurance. If change in life is the major issue then ask her to be here for only three or four months instead of six. He might feel six months is too long.

He has not clearly said no to your mom coming here. If you want your baby to be American citizen then going to India for delivery would not be a good idea.

You would not know unless you talk to him. Even if he says no you can convince him stating your need.

arthidiva · Jul 8, 2009

My 2 cents -

Maybe there are women who can handle such situation better but you being pregnant n wanting your mom with you for few months.. is very reasonable. If I were you, I too would long for my mom's help.

You should just ask your DH to call your mom for your help for atleast 3 months. Dont wait for your DH to offer or bring up the idea himself.. your DH is so far happy that you have not asked him directly. For all you know, he might just say OK when you ask him directly. He doesnt want to bring it up himself.. Men usually do this thinking they can manage it all by themselves.. Maaannn, It is going to be crazy with just the two of you left with a new born and a toddler. Men dont realise the amount of work and stress it will be.. Just point out to him politely that after those 2 wks of his leave, it will be difficult for you to handle the new born and the toddler at the same time, at the same time the new born is hungry / crying, your LO might demand your attention.. how can you cope with it?

My DH does not like asking my mom explicitly for help with our child.. he will try to do everything by himself.. though he does a good job taking care of our kid, still he will be worn out at the end of the day. But he would never admit that he is tired. If my mom pitches in to help without my DH asking for it, my DH is happy that there is someone to share the effort! Just like such men, Your DH too is thinking he cant ask your mom for help this time too.. He is just trying to handle it himself.

Please pitch in and help your DH by calling your mom over for help. Just say it is be additional help. If you want, your can ask your parents to call your guys and offer help, if it is already not done.

sknaaz · Jul 8, 2009

hi frnds..
i was about to go to sleep and the hope of getting some help from you guys made me switch on the laptop.and really pleased by your suggestions.i too dont intend my mom to be for much time as its hard for my dad to cope with food and his health as he cant make a cup of tea by himself back in india.last time as i was planning to go india with her so she had to postpone her ticket as i wanted my baby to grow up a little (as suggested by my doctor).otherwise she would have gone back soon.but anyways my thought is everybody stays this long normally because u dont often visit someone in US.as far as i have seen my frnds parents whoever comes for helping them have atleast stayed for 6 months.its not unusual.anyways this time is different though.atleast two month would b fine if she can come.and about bearing expenses my parents can easily do that but i just want to know isnt it DH's responsibility to do?anyways its not a big deal for either of them( my parents and DH).but personally i feel that as we are calling them we should do it.but apart from all this he should atleast raise the topic which he is not doing.and to explain our family relations i would jst say in few words that iam the only daughter of my parents with an elder brother who are well settled.my parents never thought of money when it comes to kids and now they do same with son-in-law and DIL too.last time my mom did most of the shopping for my baby from india,bought so many gifts for my DH.when we went to india my parents bear all our domestic flight travel expenses etc when we had to move from my dad's place to in-law's place.i mean they feel that he too is their son and they love to treat him like that,give him gifts without any occasion like they do for us.its just to give you a idea how my parents are.although its not like that in my in-laws place,everybody expects a lot from us as we are in US.so seeing all this dont u think my DH should have a big heart and move on.

i guess i should speak to him directly and be relaxed.thinking of this again and agian and killing myself is not good.

shams · Jul 8, 2009

hello sknaaz,

congrats first... ask him directly may be he is thinking not to bother ur parents, as he also know that if ur mother come here ur father face prob for food.

may be he is feeling shy to ask help from your parents

So discuss with him directly that "what u think abt my mom coming here to help us". that's it. don't think much.

happy pregnancy ... keep smiling and be cool..

sknaaz · Jul 8, 2009

hi shams,
its definately not like he is feeling shy because from few days he did observed that iam being upset now and then.and once when we were playing with my son he was cautious so that my son dint hit me by mistake,i just said to my son like "yea ur dad is concerned for ur sis,not about ur mom,once ur sis is born all this would vanish".and to be true my intention was just teasing him and nothin related to calling my mom or something.but he felt bad and said yea yea agreed that i dont care for u ,call them up who cares for u.i tried to explain that i was just teasing him but he dint listen.what does that mean.is he feeling guilty that he is avoiding this matter of asking for my mom's help.anyways he is not that casual in talk with my parents to ask for help,for such matters i have to directly talk to my parents.and i just want him to feel the need to dicscuss it with me which he is avoiding.this whole night i could not sleep properly,i slept on the sofa and woke up at 5a.m went and checked my son and came again to sofa.he did observe everything but he is kinda person who just keep silent and leave other person to suffer rather soothing or sorting out the problem.although he is a good husband and a good father but he is always like that,when iam in pain and sad he never tries to soothe.at times when we have trivial arguments he just leave me in tears and go to sleep.i mean you cant ignore your spouse in pain.on contrary i always approach him and apologise if its not my mistake too and try to forget everything and be normal.but he never inititiate anything like this.
ha...got to come over this and think of my baby.my stress should not effect her.hopefully i wil be normal till the morning.
thnks everybody..

Priya16 · Jul 8, 2009

I would say ,you need to have open talk with your DH about this with all your concerns.There is nothing in it.If you keep yourself you loose your love on your DH.So please better speak to him when he is in good mood and also stay calm thought out the topic.
When your mom was here is your DH is happy in the house,was he comfortable with your mom.
second when baby born,we are very tired and we have new responsability to take care,in that process we neglect DH.They don't understrand what we go thought and they think we are neglecting just bacause of our mom.
So even your mom comes,please spend sometime with your DH.
I know it's very hard to have second baby ,one should be there to look the first one.If your DH is very adamanent to get your mom,please be strong to deal the situation.You can hire some nanny where she can help with house work as well as your elder one.Don't get upset and be ready to deal the situation.

Good Luck

arthidiva · Jul 9, 2009

Tell your DH directly that you would like to call your mom fro help because after 2 wks of his leave, it will be difficult to manage two kids. Tell him politely that 'For the 1st 2 wks there wont be a prob, what about after you go to work?' This will show that you trust him and his help for you but you are worried only about being alone with 2 kids after he goes back to work.

You are right, it is you who has to finance your mom's travel but at this time, being close to your due date - thats not a matter to discussed and argue on.. If you think your mom will readily travel, then leave it at that. Call her here. Maybe on your mom's next visit, you can sponsor her visit. This is not the time to talk or even think about who has to sponsor and make it an issue with your DH.. more than all this, your mental peace and health is more important now. Just concentrate on yourself dear.

sknaaz · Jul 9, 2009

thanks a lot frnds.looks like talking about it is the only solution.otherwise i think i will spoil my health.i always tried to spent time with my DH during my mom's stay so as my dh doesnt feel left out and miss his people.although he never expressed that my mom's presence made our life easier but he surely felt it as he dint had to do anything.my mom took good care of our baby and home.she is a good cook,my DH himself said that i should learn from her.and my Dh too was good with her and patiently took us out for shopping and outings.but i think he wants me to be independent or what i dont know.he always says that we should be able to take care of ourself.these gents cant understand us .now i cant wait anymore for him to initiate.
anyways thnks a lot to all of you