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Pre-Marital affair

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by naafiyaparvez, Mar 18, 2007.

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  1. naafiyaparvez

    naafiyaparvez New IL'ite

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    Hi Ladies

    I was married to a NRI living in South America, its been 3.5 yrs since our marriage and we have a daughter....my husband has been very loving caring and honest with me...ever since marriage
    but it was only few months ago that i got to know that my hubby was physically involved with few girls before our wedding......how i got to know was....
    ...... one of them came in the open and told me abt it ....i confronted my hubby right in front of her and he agreed to the tiniest detail that she told.....
    i was in a state of shock.....as my husband has been very loving caring and honest towards me and i have reciprocated the same, .......... my husband regrets what he has done....
    it took 2-3 weeks for me to forgive him (as these things happened before our wedlock) and get over what had happened ...its been 4.5 months since i learnt of his past however even now i sometimes have a lot of
    insecurity and hate my husband for few momnts...thinking of what he had done .....
    have i forgiven my husband very quickly??? should i have made him feel more for he did??? will he take me for granted jst bcoz i have forgiven him in few weeks??
    how do i deal with my husband..??

    I am all confused...pls help me
     
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  2. JustAni

    JustAni Silver IL'ite

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    It was done in the past.... Just let go of it.

    If you keep thinkin of it, it will haunt u forever.

    You should be grateful that your husband agreed to it. If he hadn't I can understand how mixed your feelings can be. But please... Give him a hug 'cos he accepted it.

    If he is having an affair now, I can understand your fear... but it's the past...

    Just let go... You forgave him...now forget it.

    Anita
     
  3. Shanvy

    Shanvy IL Hall of Fame

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    Hi naafiya,

    as you have already said, you are too confused.
    You love him. you thought of giving him a second chance, you have given.
    In the world where people try to hide everything and not accept when confronted, your husband has accepted and regrets for it.
    since, you love him, and think it has happened in the past, and somewhere you have a feeling it will not be repeated, you have forgiven him.
    but that does not mean you should not feel insecure or anger. it is human. but to forgive it takes more than human.
    Just love him the way you were before you knew this. it will surely make your husband think twice before he does anything to hurt you.
    As you have already said it is a pre-marital affair and not infedility which should be treated differently.

    Since you have opened up here, you will feel lighter. now stop moving in the circles in which the lady in question also moves, which may hurt your feelings.

    Dont brood over it. relax, keep yourself occupied. you will feel better and will overcome this.

    love,
    shanthi.
     
  4. mythili

    mythili Senior IL'ite

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    >>i confronted my hubby right in front of her and he agreed to the tiniest detail that she told.....

    I just want to clarify one thing:
    Did you accuse your husband infront of the 3rd party and then he accepted the facts (since he had no other choice)
    OR did he confide in you out of his own interest, not because he is afraid that you already know the truth?
    How is his attitude towards this incident ever since? Did he ever bring up the topic on his own and talk about it that he regrests it ?
     
  5. radhavenkatesh

    radhavenkatesh Bronze IL'ite

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    dear nafiya
    :)
    pl do not make a pre -marital affair a big issue
    we live in a world where people have extra marital affairs
    why are u worried abt something which happend yrs before
    as ur mail says u have married an NRI
    i dont mean to say all NRI s r like this but we do knw most of them have free behaviour dating and mating isnt a big scene or a matter of worry in west
    personaly i feel whn ur husband is fine now and does take care of ur child and u and ur family well pl do not make ur family hell by thinking of wot passed away ur making ur present heaven a hell
    firstly wotever wud have been the reason you shouldnt have asked ur husband straight on face abt his premarital affairs bcz ur making the truth clear to him u knw everything in past which might either give him a free zone to entertain if any of his previous relations / gfs wud spring out bcz men generally fear the fact tht u wud knw the truth . u shdnt have made him knwn tht u knw wot happend
    why did ur hus ex take 3.5 yrs to open the matter to u did u think over?
    so dont worry and make ur slf busy but be watchful
    you can always cheer up and make fun of ur husband abt his ex affairs which wud always keep him checked at the same time brings joival nature and ease ur present friction
    you have a kid also so think of the child and ease up ur tension wot happend in past is an past affair why confrot in present abt it?
     
  6. Didka

    Didka New IL'ite

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    Dear Naafiyaparvez,

    By getting married to NRI you should have in mind that he grew up in other culture and with other understandings of what is wrong and what is correct. Don't make an issue from thing that happened long time ago, when your husband didn't know you even exist. Men are sexual creatures they make sex sometimes whitout putting any feelings behind. Build your life in presant, who lives in past will find only sorrow.
    In your place I would think what was the need for this woman to interfere in your life and relations with your husband? Kick this person in ass and live your life with love and happiness, there is nothing to forgive!
     
  7. anuu

    anuu New IL'ite

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    Dear Naafiya,

    I know how difficult it would have been for u when u got to know ur husband had affairs with girls before marriage.But remember it was before and it was in the PAST,Time has gone away and so you should also let go of things.

    As you know "to forgive others" is the most divine quality any human being can have and I'm very happy that you have forgiven your husband.Its always easy to carry grudges and keep going on but I think we would only gain unhappiness as a result of carrying grudges or hatred.Be proud of urself that u have got the quality to forgive and accept people cos trust me very very few people only can be forgiving and understanding like you.

    Dont let things confuse you my dear,you have a small child so enjoy urself as a family with her.You have mentioned that ur husband regrets for what he has done.Realizing ones mistakes is a a good sign so just move on.Keep urself happy and occupied.

    Love,
    Anuu
     
  8. Ria2006

    Ria2006 Silver IL'ite

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    I feel sorry for the situation you are in. I want to add my wisdom to it.
    When i was about to marry my now husband.We were pretty much good frends . And we would talk hours on phone. He told me he had casual flings with couple of gals here in US. I would say I wasn't shocked. He wanted my reaction to it. I just told him, "I would have been shocked if he didn't date given his looks and money" :)
    He was so surprised that a girl would be that open minded. But i told him , I was preconditioned to accept this reality.. I am just gald he accepted it so upfront and so much before marriage.
    I dont think pre-marital and affair should be made that big deal. It s rather good, becos they are not all worked up and over-obsessed about sex. In our hostel, most of us girls had this open desire. That our future husband have had some couple of affairs and flings.. There are few advantages of that..
    - They dont have much of pent-up feelings..
    - they are more practical towards expectations in sex.
    - They have already handled females, so they know their emotional quotient.

    So dont worry, cheer up .. enjoy your life..
    Ria
     
  9. Kamalji

    Kamalji IL Hall of Fame

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    Naafiyaji,

    I am a male 54,two grown up children.

    My take is this.What he or u did before marriage, is the past.Dont eer discuss it.What matters is the day u got married,And u both had to remain faithful after that.

    Before marriage it was our own life, we had friends , we may have loved someone, or been intimate with that paerson.After marriage why it shouls bother the other person,as he did not know us then,and vice versa.

    So just forget the past,as it does not matter now, and be happy.And evenm if u know later hat he had more affairs, just ignore them.

    just see that he is faithul to u now after marrriage.

    Regrds.kamal
     
  10. wannahelp

    wannahelp New IL'ite

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    Naafiya,
    I certainly agree with you...it hurts when we come to know abt our spouses previous affairs....and nothing can give us a relief until we ourselves get into such an affair.This may sound weird and i dont want to you to cheat your spouse.But all these feelings are just because of our social customs we had followed in our life,if we were born in west we wouldn't find this a 'big issue'.You can blame your husband if he had concealed it purposely.

    And your is not a single incident ....almost 90% of those who marry NRI come to know this at later stage.just keep moving......there lot more things to get concerned abt.
     
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