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Power of Words-in relations

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Tridev, May 2, 2010.

  1. Tridev

    Tridev Silver IL'ite

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    Archana, there is no easy answer to these questions. People have everything, good home, cars, servants, kids, but no peace of mind, no love, no respect. In an abusive relationship, either one becomes abusive or kills onself or goes into depression.What else can happen? and its so vicious no one can surely point when and where it starts and where it ends.

    But I think , when our basic necessities of life are fulfilled, when we are done with that, when we have ample of those things life needs, it is actually then when others problems start. People who dont have basic amenities, they dont have time, all the time they are occupied with the thoughts of how to make ends meet.

    This is human nature. I was listening to osho, he says, where there is love, there is hatred, there cannot be pure love, there cannot be a person who only loves. people ask so and so used to love me so much then why is he or she hating me so much now, the answer is beacuse that person used to love so much, the hatred is also so much, hatred is negative love, the positive love is taken over by hatred. That is why we see two extremes in this world. There is no middle ground

     
  2. sabarimathi

    sabarimathi Gold IL'ite

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    Tridevji,

    sorry, i don't buy this statement. I don't know how to explain this, but am sure u're wrong. Hold this statement against y'r kids and check for the validity of the statement. U may hate them at a particular instance, but u can't hate them altogether, which implies, according to me, that love knows no hatred. There may be a particular character that u hate , but u may not hate y'r kids. Despite all imperfections, u would continue to love them. Just what i thought! Sorry if i'm wrong.

    Y'r first post talks abt karmayoga. The whole idea of understanding karmayoga is lost with the above statement. I'm sorry , am i missing something here?
     
    Last edited: May 11, 2010
  3. ShilpaMa

    ShilpaMa IL Hall of Fame

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    I personally feel that three categories are most abusive:
    1) Those who dont have anything and are fighting for basic survival.
    2) Those who have everything and are fighting for EGO survival.
    3) When abuses become a part of your upbringing you find the usage and application absolutely normal.. irrespective of person and circumstances around you.
     
  4. flowerlady

    flowerlady IL Hall of Fame

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    I personally feel that abusive people suffer from an inferiority complex and try to control the situation to put down the other person.
    Why that person is abusive or psychoanalysing him/her does not make it tolerable.
    A person who never heard a bad word or a gaali will certainly react with horror when subjected to it.
    Maybe it would not matter much to a person who grew up in an abusive environment.
    Words are a very powerful tool , they can woo or wound deeply.
    Reminds me of that song ....Its only words that I have to take your heart away .......
     
  5. Tridev

    Tridev Silver IL'ite

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    It is not easy, it is not as you understood, its not that everyone who loves every other peron also hates. Osho was giving an e,g of some follower who hated him after loving him a lot, he said its because he loved him as a follower so much that he could hate him, for someone who never loved someone, there cannot be hate. There are instances where kids grow up and actually become enemy of parents, vice versa is also true.



     
  6. mstrue

    mstrue New IL'ite

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    I can attest to this: the more the love for a person, the more the hatred that develops against him as a result of some serious trigger (like betrayal etc).
     
  7. rastor

    rastor New IL'ite

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    At the end of the day, no matter how carefully you drive, it only takes a drunken driver at the other end to undo all that effort. Relationship is not that different from traffic.

    I have one grandma who calmly takes abuse from her husband & another who is constitutionally designed to churn out abuse to others. The chips fall where they fall. Given the nature of relationships, societal obligations in India, the lord's blessings or luck, are the ultimate gift one can aspire to when it comes to relationships.
     
  8. Induvadana

    Induvadana New IL'ite

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    My father was abusive, verbally and physically to my mom. The verbal continued all his life. Physical abuse stopped after my birth, i was told. I never saw it. My mom usually made a little noise but did whatever was ordered. First my brother fought for my mom. My brother was beaten too by my dad. But I was his favourite. As I grew up and started fighting for my mom. He backed off. He never abused me verbally or physically but for once. But I am no less. I used to speak in a very hurting way too. So never felt like a victim of my dad. He abused and humiliated my brother until he got into engineering.
    He always compared my brother to me and expressed his displeasure with my brother. So my brother started taking it on me. The only great escape my mom had was watching movies. She used go to movies and my brother used to say if you leave sister at home with me , you can go. as i didn't like movies she used to leave me with my brother. he used to tell me scary stories in a very elaborate and dramatic way. I remember once he told me there was a ghost in the water pot. he is good at this. I was 7 yrs old. It took a 1/2 hr story to convince me there was ghost. Then he would ask me to go alone in kitchen and get water for him. I would be scared and say no. But then he would force me to do so. He did many such things. This was because he was scared of darkness and i wasn't my dad used to make fun of him comparing to me. He tried to create fears in me, i guess. He always found faults in me and spoke in demeaning way. The worst was - I don't remember 1 1/2 to 2 hrs in my life. I was left home with him when i was 8yrs as my parents went grocery shopping. All I remember is my coming out of house and running on busy street bare feet with fear. I remember thinking that I might get run over by cars and looking back and seeing my brother standing at the door with that same smile(I did it ! you are nothing)and deciding that i must keep running no matter what. Luckily I met my parents on that same road. I guess my brother could see them that is why he didn't come to get me. I don't remember what made me run like that. My brother has a horrible marriage. His wife is also verbally abusive, they both abuse each other. She earns more than my brother and says that like 10 times a day. They stay together for kid's sake.

    My DH' father was in joint family setup and abused his wife and my DH verbally and physically. But my DH is a very different type of man. He is very loving and caring person by nature. In our 18 yrs marriage , we never abused each other. Yes we have ups and downs. Yes, 2 times he threw stuff on ground angrily and went out for an hour and came back. I got over most of the negative effect of abuse because of my DH. My DH long forgiven his dad and understands his dad's situation and frustrations. His dad is very loving toward his wife now. He genuinely feels bad about his past behaviour.

    When my brother was 30 yrs or so -he said if I did what I did to you in USA they would hung me to death. He is 9 years older than me. He told my DH recently that my parents love me more than they love him and they got me married to the guy i liked and they ruined his life by getting him married to his wife(The fact is my parents loved us both very much). It is hard to get over abuse. He never looks happy and my mom always worries about him. Now I feel like he is the real victim. He did much better than me in education and career but is very unhappy.

    The affect of abuse is not easy to get over. I still find it very difficult to confront my brother. I very much want to find out about those 2 hours of my life but am scared to know and face it and confront my brother.


    It is so true. I always find bollywood stereotype of love so immature. People have shades of emotions-love, hatred, jealosy ,etc all get mixed up. Even toward my brother I have a strange mixture of love and hatred. I loved my father a lot as i was his favorite, but at the same time hated him for his shortfalls like smoking or scolding my mom. The more love you have for a person the more hatred they can generate in us by failing us.
     
  9. sabarimathi

    sabarimathi Gold IL'ite

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    Tridevji,

    Yeah, i think i got it now. Sorry, it took me so much time. Yes, if Osho was not talking abt karmayoga , or enlightenment for that matter, it is true. But, when u talk abt karmayoga [ that's y'r opening post in this thread ] , u don't talk abt hatred. To explain further, i'm placing a link , which i went thru' recently.
    http://www.indusladies.com/forums/1204106-post24.html
    Hope it helps u .

    All y'r statements may be true in the absence of true love , where there're expectations. Finally, ' what u sow so shall u reap ' holds good. The produce is a direct reflecion of the seed being sown.
     
  10. Tridev

    Tridev Silver IL'ite

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    Induvadana, your story is really really sad , I will tell you at least you have a happy married life. I know there are people for e.g me who had problems before marriage due to my father and brother, for terrible 20 years, I had thought after marriage my life may be better. But its like mirage, its all dellusion, its very rare to see respite in life where there are no problems. its like you cross one before you cross, the other , is already standing. Like that hurdles race, where one keeps crossing and still seeing hurdles everywhere...

    Its so sad your father instilled fear in you , was abusive to your mom physically and verbally. It seems he had some psychological issues,the way you describe

    Unfortunately your brother is not in right marriage. One of the biggest mistake a woman can do , is to say I earn more than you 10 times every day, that what she says to your brother.May be he also reacts and abuses her. But in abusive relationship there will always one person who will have last word, last nasty word and that person will never feel bad for that as he or she will justify other person using abusive language to feel right about their own behavior....

    No doubt they are living together for sake of kid. But the kid is seeing all abuse around. he will grow and have bad memories, many kids whose parents fight may have that memories. Its sad a kid has to live with such parents. They should do something to avoid or reduce the conflict. I feel verbal abusers dont change easily
     
    Last edited: May 19, 2010

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