Postpartum Changes Women Go Through From Emotions,family,relationship With Husband And Body

@cliona- First and foremost- congrats on your pregnancy. You will rock the motherhood.
Thanks for sharing your experience, its is very inspiring. I am glad things worked out for you. It must have been hard, not just a snap and things change.
I like your thoughts that you have conveyed in your post- that everyone in the family are good trying to help in their own way.
It's like "It works if you work it and work it, because you are worth it"!
I wish lot many women are open towards talking about PD. The more we talk about these issues, more awareness it will cause.
My condolences on your FIL passing.

 

· What to Expect from Family During Postpartum Care-

· Not the center of affection- One thing that was hard for me to accept was- I wasn’t the center of the affection. Yes! I was pregnant for 9 months, everyone asking me if I was taking care of my health and all sort of love and affection shown towards me. Right after the baby was born everyone would start to ask how my baby was. I felt a bit jealous. Not jealous of my child… Jealous that I wasn’t getting the same attention that I got for 9 months. I didn’t become a parent right after I gave birth (emotionally it take at least few days to accept the parent role) Although I was doing every chore, it still has to sink in. If you feel these emotions… consider it normal and soon you will the only parent who will be multitasking.


· Everyone will have an opinion/say- in what to do with the baby. This happened to me because my mother wasn’t there with me right after I gave birth. My MIL’s mother sitting in a remote village was advising how I should do things. The thing no one realizes is that hospital in the US teaches you to take care of the baby (not in India) So, just listen to these comments and let it go. If you find theses kind of suggestion to be helpful, follow it. My rant -My husband is a supportive guy but there were times, he would get carried away by his mother’s/ grandmother’s train of thoughts and it was a struggle for me to get him back to me and my child needs. We used the baby hotline- a couple of time to disengage the situation from him insisting how I should do things. Example- His mother/ granny advice something that I don’t want to follow- I wouldn’t fight or say no. I simply said- let me call the baby hotline and confirm before doing it. It’s a reasonable suggestion. After doing this couple of time, it got my husband down to earth and he didn’t insist on upholding their advice. He just heard them and let it go himself.


· My Rant with a Happy Note- My MIL is a conservative, very traditional women. Who believes she knows everything, however, in reality, she doesn’t know much. My husband being a mamma’s boy tries to show off how experienced, well-rounded women she is. Please bear with me through this rant it is necessary--- my baby is a calm/silent baby who slept for the most part. My MIL used to be so surprised to find out my baby doesn’t cry/ wail/ or make me stay up at night… she called my son a retard. YES! She called him a retard, she scared my husband enough by giving him the long list of examples of his cousins- saying every child she knew cries, if a baby doesn’t cry then it must be a retard! It was such a stab! My Reaction- I didn’t react when my husband told me his mother’s theory, I was fuming, volcanic burst happening inside me. Just didn’t let it out. He being the anxious kind (my MIL knows that) my husband was panicking, racing around the house and literally breaking his head. I told him its normal for babies to sleep ( my sibling and I were quite babies) I made him call the baby hotline to confirm if his mother’s theory is true. The nurse who answered his call laughed at him and said: “you should be lucky Mister, that your baby is allowing you to sleep”! I mock him even today how ridiculous calling a baby retard because he sleeps. After all my Rant- Every baby is different if you so happen to have someone like my MIL in your family/friends and if they are able to get through their unsolicited advice/ thoughts/ insights. This is not the right time to argue just calls the baby hotline or a pediatrician, a professional can never be wrong.

· Always keep in mind every child is different, even things that may have worked for an exact situation of a similar phase of other children. It may or may not work out for your baby. Babies are not a math formula, where one formula works for all babies.

· Unsolicited advice/ things done in old way/ blind beliefs are very common. I was raised to in a liberal family, although my husband comes from a traditional family- he himself is a liberal person, he kept saying we have to raise the baby in the US fashion (an opportunity that we didn’t get). I have seen my husband turn around and cave into blind belief/ my own mother (who raised me to be a liberal) has made me do certain blind belief stuff. Not my proud moment- YES I have caved in and done it too. The whole blind belief thing happens coz of care/ love for the new tiny baby that you hold to be dear to your heart. Do what your heart comforts you to do.

· Every baby is different- I have loads of aunts and older cousins ( who have teenage children).There are so many stories of every cousin- some who kept their mothers awake all night, some all morning, who were afraid of water, some were so clingy who never let their mothers take a bath. These stories are common in every family- right after your delivery- even if your parents / IL’s aren’t near you, they will be thinking about you/ or your husband’s birth. The newborn in your family will create so many emotional ripples.

· Baby is the game changer in a family, it can cause some IL’s to feel insecure about their son becoming a father (their son- will become engaged with his family more, less attention to the parents). This did in mine. My MIL was very supportive in us having a baby, however, she had no idea she will become very insecure, after the babies arrival. MIL’s insecurities are common know this ahead. My MIL hated that I am a mother and I hold few more cards than I had and now has to share her son with two other people. To overcome this insecurity, she tried her level best to dominate me/ to make me listen to go through her ways, show how different I do things, how I should do, how things can go wrong if it's not done in her way. My husband being a first-time parent and a new father also has feelings and thinks “why will my mother say ill or things which aren’t true”. Constantly using baby hotline kind of made him realize his mother/ granma advice is bit outdated for the US lifestyle. Nobody is at fault in this situation, everyone just wants what's best for themselves.

· Mother Knows the Best -Beware of this situation right after the baby is born to start to imply that “mother of the baby knows the best” Keep using this phrase. Trust me, it takes awhile to sink in. Your husband should entirely trust that you know what you are doing about the care of the baby. Don’t give a chance for MIL’s to take control over you and your child. Because I have read so many posts on women who have to deal with this BS of MIL insecurities trying to control over new mommy and child through their sons. Establish that You are the mother of the child and you know the best for your child!!

· Avoid negative people among friends/family- Like I have mentioned in my previous thread- there were some aunts in my family who are the jealous types- YES, I avoided them. Sent them no pics/ no updates nothing. I did this because I wanted to be sane enough and not get agitated and feel negative feelings.

· Large family network- My mother is a working mother, when there were critical points at the hospital that I needed her advice and wasn’t able to get through. I had a large network of my aunts who I could talk and they would suggest me few things. This is the family support you need, mentally.

· My family also got me greeting cards after delivery. I had on my wall for the longest

· Comparing children- My SIL has a baby 6 month older to mine- The comparison never stops! My MIL is very clever about comparing too. When she talks to my husband she only talks/praises my SIL child. How at 3 months he did that, how at 4 months he did this… This non-stop talking about SIL’s kid creates the lack of love in my husband heart that his mother doesn’t care about our baby. So, to keep it even- I have a truckload of a family who always talk about my kid I have just added my husband to a WhatsApp group from my family group. He gets his ego (about his child) patted well at my family end. My advice- New parents look for appreciation, get them involved in your family. It is way better than getting stuck in theirs. If you don’t have any such thing. you appreciate your husband’s effort ( being a new dad) they will like it.

· Newborn looks like Dad- For whatever reason- the newborn almost 90% of the time after being delivered looks like your husband. The joy of the IL’s and husband is truly worth watching. But remember children keep changing every few months.

Daily routine rant- I have had my baby on the age-appropriate routine. My baby is not fed/ sleeps on demand. I know his natural routine and tweak it a little to get adjusted to my routine. My son is 9 months and he sleeps at 7 ish. My MIL is very surprised by the concept of routine and child also maintains it. She constantly nags my husband that the child should sleep at 10 pm. This is the time she is coming up with because she thinks my husband will get to see my son activities (not a bad idea) when he gets back from work. Even yesterday she insists how it is better. However, right now my husband is ok with my baby sleeping at 7.30 pm. Initially, he fought with me to keep my son awake until 10.00 PM. In this case, I have let him handle the cranky baby beyond the sleep time. I have also told him that if you want the baby to be awake till 10.00pm then you get to deal with its tantrum too. He doesn’t insist anymore. Tries to convince his mother. My Advice- If your husband wants you to do something new that isn’t your babies routine or certain that will not work for you and your baby. Ask him to handle the child. Because its his idea, he should be able to try it first instead of asking you to do whatever he fancies.

 

Relationship With Husband During Postpartum care-
This is my experience after delivery. Things that I share in this thread are truly my experience, struggles, mistakes and lesson that I learned. I am just sharing my struggles that I incurred with my husband. This may or may not happen to you.

· If you were like me dealing with PPC alone, my major concern was about how will I deal with my Post Pregnancy Care. Not once did I think how will deal with the child and husband. Although my husband was helping before the baby arrived, he didn’t know he will have to help me out even after PPC. Men aren’t ready to commit themselves to that amount of helping inside the house. At least mine wasn’t aware. It still is a struggle to get my husband to do few things around.


· Unified look towards family- the minute your baby is placed in your hands after the birth, you get to take a pic. Please take a pic and keep it. Hang it on the wall. Talk about how the baby brings you and your husband closer, plan things with your baby, and dream of new things including the baby. Say things like “we three will do this..” “we three will live here..” such kind of things. Your husband wants to be a part of a family. For him to be involved with you and the baby this is one of the most important ways to get him to see you and the baby as the first priority.

· An adjusting phase -You can give 200 percent attention to you husband now and he will be giving the same attention to you. It all changes with the baby. I was adjusting to the new phase of being a mother while going through my emotions/ changes in my body, my mood. My husband was also going through stuff of being a new father (his new identity). While we both are figuring out who we are (with a child) expecting my husband to care for me like he did before was hard and frustrating. I lacked the patience to express and he couldn’t understand that I was going through my mood swings and hormonal changes. It is ok for your husband not to understand, but make sure he is aware that everything will change and it will take time emotionally to settle down.

· 5 months after delivery- My husband assumed that for first 5-6 months he shouldn’t be needy. He was very nice about ordering/ picking his medicines, keeping up with his Doc appointments, helped me with dishes, not to expect me to serve him, he even cooked on occasions. Right around the 6th month, he started to demand that I need to step up and he has given me a break! Well it didn’t go exactly go as he thought, we kind agreed that we will compromise (not like we sat and signed an agreement.. frustration flies made us compromise). Right now yea, I do serve him his dinner, he does the dishes/cleans the dishwasher and maintains his medication and doc appointment. Negotiating who does what is always a kind of the struggle. He doesn’t nag if laundry isn’t done, I don’t nag if dishes aren’t done. Compromise- don’t hold each other tied to the workload. I wish I still got him to do one baby thing. It never occurred to me before.

· Your child is the priority- Sometimes, it's common for both the parents to forget that your child is your first priority and make a big deal about traditions/customs/ MIL’s advice and what not. What actually that matters is the child. This is an adjusting phase. The first year of how you handle your child and husband sets the rule for the rest (or so I have been told) and there is only so little things I could change my current situation. Although my husband is understanding, cooperative guy. What I failed to see is, he too became a new parent and I while I was going through major things (dealing with PPC/ C-sec/ caring for baby) he was left alone (mentally) he didn’t have much to do apart from holding my hand and say he is there for me. This feeling of not being a parent but doesn’t feel like he is pitching in enough is just how our society is structured (whenever I give him the duty to feed my baby- my husband is more than happy) He wants to be involved in the child care. Start to include your husbands- my husband always saw child’s duty be women’s responsibility, never once has he said it is hard or painful to feed the child. His mother constantly tells him what to do and what not, based on that standard he only feeds the baby if I insist. He doesn’t do it willingly.

· Its different for your husband- usually Indian men are told that childbearing is a women’s duty, although they are also feeling emotionally overwhelmed (being a father) they won't be able to express it. It's is hard for them because they are considered to be the father (the gender role is different) and they are given very less active part in the child’s activities (like feeding/ bathing/clothing) If your husband is supportive and wants to participate in your child’s activity, let him assist you. My husband wasn’t- he entirely believed it is my responsibility (told by his mother) all he did for the first month was change diapers.

· Newborn looks like father- For some reason, 90% of the time Newborns take after their fathers and oh boy the emotions and feeling is priceless! My husband is a very talkative and emotional guy (struggles to express) He will talk for half an hour to say it is nice. For him, he got very sentimental and so attached to the newborn, initially. It was kinda cute to watch my husband go through all that.

· The workload increases- there is babies stuff you have to do too. Like wash babies clothes separately/ fold them/ I was using feeding bottles/ pumping too (so I had to wash them and sterilize them) this is apart from cooking and maintaining the house. Try to make sure your husband is ready to do one household task and one babies stuff. I never made my husband do anything with the babies stuff. Till today he doesn’t. Establish all the rules when you are still a new mom, if you want your husband to help throughout your child’s early years.

· Also, insist on one activity with your child that your husband must do daily. From 0 3 months, (If your baby doesn’t get colic) All your baby might do is sleep… Involve your husband to feed the baby/ or read to the babies. Maybe right after your husband comes from work. At 3-6 moths- your baby will learn to flip and hand movements- this is the time you can involve your husband in playtime. While you get a break or do the household work.

· My husband grew a lot closer to his mother during my postpartum. I will state why....

1.Because I wasn’t sure how I will take care of my postpartum I had made my husband feel unsure about my capability and he heavily relied on his mother for advice.

2. When women are dealing with postpartum care, husbands has no one to lean on for support and usually, mothers/ fathers became their go-to guys.

3. During postpartum care, with a newborn in hand- some men get emotionally very attached and demand the wife to raise the child as their mothers raised them. This happens because they see their wife go through pregnancy and relate that’s what their mother went through and automatically love for their mother increases 10000 folds. The husbands are convinced that their mother is next to God and whatever she says is true!

4. With my husband because we are culturally different my family did things way too differently and whenever MIL spoke to him and talked about how I do stuff, MIL would say her opinions and they bonded by making me the odd man out.

5. There is new found love between my MIL and my husband. My husband rarely called to talk to my MIL however after the child- my husband calls every day and updates on our son to his mother. My MIL talks about my SIL’s baby and about my husband’s childhood too. these things make him feel very connected and enjoy being the apple of the eye (especially when he isn’t getting that kind of attention at home)

· The Silliness of the adjustment phase- The reality is during postpartum is every couple are adjusting to their new identity (being a parent) their anxiety, their love, their new role, along with this the couple will be going through exhaustion (feeding baby every 2 hours), less attention from partners, less socialization. All these impacts on couples differently. Some couple bond, the most couple (like my husband and I) fight. We fought about little/ silly things… which I don’t even remember (I was pissed at my husband for buying electric kettle (nothing can get silly beyond this) right around 6th month after the delivery I am telling my husband what a blessing this kettle was) These fights aren’t worthy to be remembered don't loose sleep/ love/ marriage over these things. This is common. Don’t make it a big deal. Don’t assume that your husband is bad, coz he gave you no peace during this time. This happens to every couple. Most of them may not be forthcoming as I am.

· Sex life-

· My OB/GYN told me to be sexually active after 6 weeks of delivery but I kinda insisted on waiting a bit longer. Do according to your OB/GYN or your family tells. This is a hard phase for my husband… not only my husband was dealing with my postpartum mood swings/ his overwhelmed feelings of being a father/ he wasn’t getting laid. It was quite a struggle. He began working out to cope. Today he is totally ripped. It will help men if they divert their interest into something positive, again there isn’t much for ladies to urge them to do (at least I didn’t and I was clueless at the time- After 9 months… I kinda realize it must have been a hard phase for him too). My advice- be aware of this phase and kinda get creative or make them get involved into something that your husband would enjoy doing.

· I have to say sex life took a dip. I am tired more than ever. Even after 9 months after the delivery. I am tired all the time. My husband and I are trying to be intimate and then I yawn. Not because I am bored… But because I am tired! My husband doesn’t get it that I am tired all the time. This yawning thing is such a big turn off for my husband. We are still working on the yawn… he usually ignores it.

· Because I am tired most of the time. everything becomes a task! Even sex! Sometimes, I want to have sex but too lazy/ tired to initiate sex. So, I just let it go. Please advise me what to do…?!

 

@vanpan-
Thank you so much for liking all my posts. Please feel free to contribute to this thread. Things I may have missed or things that you had an interesting approach. I am sure it will help lot about to be new mom's

 

@Bhanulakshmi

I simply said.. my mother will be coming after the second month of delivery. This is true my mother came after 2 months of delivery. After hearing this my friends would be surprised... and ask why after second month..?? My mother is a working mother, so I would just say she didnt get time off from work and she will be with me when she can.

Actually, I was never asked why my in- laws weren't coming. If anyone asks why no in-laws. Just say, in the US, hospital teaches how to care for the baby