Posting On Behalf Of Friend Need Your Inputs

poovai · Aug 21, 2018

First of all, driving record has nothing to do with the custody. She made an accident that doesn't mean she will go to jail, unless it is a hit and run or drunken driving case. Worst case scenario, her license will be suspended for awhile. May have to be at the mercy of her co-workers to drive her to work for awhile. Is there anyone lend her the money, it would be $600 to $800 fine to get her the license back?

She has to learn to act deaf eared to him, ignore him completely. Crying wouldn't help but being determined will let her focus on the future. She has to stand up for herself.

1. not to let him take her salary (pay back the fine amount)
2. leave the grocery list to him, let him get the food items if he wants to eat
3. stock up on cereal / fruit cups / soup / frozen vegetables, juice to eat & feed the kids
4. Don't hesitate to do the house work
5. if he takes the kids outside, good for her...sleep or watch TV
6. there are library books, audio books / videos - she can rent for free

There could be 100 hundred reasons to cry, but there is roof over her head, food to eat and work that keeps her busy. She is simply drowning on the self pity. She needs moral support and kind words to recover. Hope, you can support your friend.

It takes one phone call to 911, to report him and his life will be ruined. She has to understand her rights, first and she deserves to live without the fear of the abuse. Worst case scenario, she can approach local women's group to walk away from this life. Kids will understand her, once what he had done to push her out of the marriage. Let him take care of 2-kids, then he will understand what 'life is'. --- JMO

(sorry, I am extremely upset / disturbed by reading this post, what kind of person is he? Brought an innocent person to abroad and torturing her like this?)

shravs3 · Aug 21, 2018

God! Why do some men behave like that?? Inspite of she earning, her husband is torturing her.

Abuse need not be physical alone , even mentally abusing is a crime.
She need to record all his abuse and contact some lawyer as soon as possible.

She need to stand up for herself.
Atleast She must have control on part of her salary.

They need son for their pride but when the same son stops taking care of old parents then they will realise the value of daughter!

This mindset of wanting son over daughter should change . Only then the society will change.

How merciless he is to wish to put her in jail. Why do such men even exist?? Why do they need marriage ,family etc

shravs3 · Aug 21, 2018

poovai said: ↑

sorry, I am extremely upset / disturbed by reading this post, what kind of person is he? Brought an innocent person to abroad and torturing her)
Click to expand...

Seriously I wonder why do such people exist!
And nowadays such incidents are increasing. Recently saw an article about some Indian lady in US who was abused by her husband . But finally she was able to stand up for herself and consulted some lawyers

Jas82688 · Aug 22, 2018

DDream said: ↑

OP, your friend have to empower herself. If she cannot support her who will help ? She has to be brave and confident. She need to explore the system here . She feels insecure and has low self esteem now. She needs to work on it.

She is partially responsible for all these situation. She encouraged his behavior by following his orders and by bending too much . A mistake many women do. Never ever lower below your comfort zone. The moment she says 'let us divorce' he will change the tone. Now he knows that she is weak and dependent on him. Agree with @yellowmango' suggestions.

When he raise voice, she should be able to revert back similar points. But she need to go slowly in the beginning till she gain confidence to face situation.

Is he only a 'oral abuser' or does he abuse her physically. Record all evidences of abuse. If he an oral abuser only, if so she can completely keep a deaf year to her husband and ignore it till she know what to do. But she need to prove it through actions.

1) start with the first step. Go to a bank. Open a new account and transfer her full salary there. Then add apart of this salary (ideally 50 % or less if her salary is less than her husband) to joint checking account. This will give her financial Independence is she need money. Even if he orally abuse her completely ignore that. Then tell him that she is an adult and if she can earn she know how to manage and she contributed to household expense . Prepare an answer and completely ignore his tantrums. If he is her husband behave like a husband not like a baby sitter. If she has her own money, she can take driving lessons to fine tune her driving skills.

She is Afraid of opening a new account .. since when she asked in the past he behaved like a psyco told her she is not allowed and she is getting any way all the things needed like food home clothes n credit card though he restricts .. he can make it big deal ..but this is very good advice ..
2) If she needs clarity in thoughts , she can consult a counselor. As she is employed she should ask for EAP program. They will freely cover many sessions and may suggest a counselor for her needs. She can go there for herself. May be the counselor help her to bring her dh to counselling.
Not sure about this program will ask her to search for it ..
3) "expecting a male kid" its not a male child because his sperm didnt have enough 'y' chromosomes. She can raise this point. Its is his fault ( not really but) than hers. Any educate man should know. I think he is using this as a weapon to silence here. She need to silence him back.

Yeah that’s like stupid thing to me also but that’s how he is waste fellow ..

4) Get the contact numbers of helpline for abuse for abuse (https://www.thehotline.org/is-this-abuse/). If he ever raise hand, she has to tell him, I will call 911 if you touch my body.

He did beat her is the past she told when tried to call 911 he broke her phone later he had to get new one he is not bothered to spend that money ..

She told our if anger he sometimes spoiks her things like pulling phone from her and keeping secrets it somewhere telling that’s on his nsme and cutting her hand bag thus looks like he is having metal issues ..

If he tell her that she will put her jail, then she has to tell her that she can do the same for domestic abuse.

Yes correct

5) "they purchased a home husband is asking her to leave the home n stay in apartment so that he Doesn’t have to pay for child support n alimony" . Are they talking about separation already. I think its to silence her. She can tell him that she already consulted a lawyer(She can do it) and she knows american laws. The laws will never give kid to a father who abuses their mother . Law will protect her and he needs to pay alimony as he is a father. He cannot escape from that. As long as she is married, she owns at least 50% of all property. She can take a stand that its her home. If he want to leave he can.

I will show this to her to boost her confidence ..

6) "hot meals clean home and bathrooms " . She need to learn how to say 'NO'. Tell him if he wants these he need to treat her well. She is not his servant. If he shouts , she can tell him you are a bad role model for kids. Never over do things we cannot. If she is tired,take rest, get well and then do jobs. She need to love and take care of herself. Just ignore his verbal diarrhea. Take a stand he has to help in house hold cores. She can use her brain on how to do it tactfully.

Yes she keeps silent but this fellow follows her where ever she goes n if she locks her room also he bangs the door until she opens it .. she told she behave weak got migraine due to over thinking and she takes pain killers everyday to get out of pain .. that’s not good ..

7) "her ID lost issue luckily her court date got postponed so she applied for new one so she will get her new licence before the court date", Try to get out of this problem as soon as possible. Then start these steps. This car issue has nothing to do with custody. She can consult a lawyer.

Yeah but she needs more practice she came from a smaller town she did not have even bicycle very first vehicle she drove is her car .. this man slapped her when she is learning the driving for hitting a curb in a shopping complex .. that’s how he is .. I asked her what makes her weak about driving she told she is scared of highways speeds n lane changing and husband asks her to drive on highways only even though an alert native route is there .. he continuously shouts screams in her ears while she drives on highways ..

8) Just take a stand for showing how confident she is. "Ok you give me divorce, take kids, let me enjoy life .. but let the court decide" then he will change the tone. Dont be afraid of his words. In reality she only get kids plus 50% or more alimony. They will not give kids an abuser. So its important to collect evidence (consult a lawyer on that ). One cannot take US citizen kids to India without both their parents permission.

As a friend, you can give her support and help her. But its is better not to involve too much. You can share the facts, support her emotionally, help her if she needs any help . But she need to stand up for herself. No else can help her to take decisions. She needs to find a way. What is her visa status ?

Yes that’s what I felt .. she asked me to help in driving during office hours lunch Brake or on week end but am completely tied up with oncalls maintenance tasks n kids .. not much I can do even my husband won’t agree for that he says it’s their headache.. what we can do and stay away from her .. but am not able to do that am a human being I can understand what she is going through ..

She has to be strong for her kids if she think she is a good mother. A home with abusive parents is not a good thing for kids. Stand up for her and for her kids.

Yes I told her this manny times ..

She needs to show him that she will not tolerate it any more. Stop crying and start action. She can do it. He will resist for sure. Completely ignore him. Knowledge is power, try to learn the rules and empower herself.

There is a U visa (U visa - Wikipedia) for victims of domestic abuse
Click to expand...

Jas82688 · Aug 22, 2018

poovai said: ↑

First of all, driving record has nothing to do with the custody. She made an accident that doesn't mean she will go to jail, unless it is a hit and run or drunken driving case. Worst case scenario, her license will be suspended for awhile. May have to be at the mercy of her co-workers to drive her to work for awhile. Is there anyone lend her the money, it would be $600 to $800 fine to get her the license back?

She has to learn to act deaf eared to him, ignore him completely. Crying wouldn't help but being determined will let her focus on the future. She has to stand up for herself.

1. not to let him take her salary (pay back the fine amount)
2. leave the grocery list to him, let him get the food items if he wants to eat
3. stock up on cereal / fruit cups / soup / frozen vegetables, juice to eat & feed the kids
4. Don't hesitate to do the house work
5. if he takes the kids outside, good for her...sleep or watch TV
6. there are library books, audio books / videos - she can rent for free

There could be 100 hundred reasons to cry, but there is roof over her head, food to eat and work that keeps her busy. She is simply drowning on the self pity. She needs moral support and kind words to recover. Hope, you can support your friend.

It takes one phone call to 911, to report him and his life will be ruined. She has to understand her rights, first and she deserves to live without the fear of the abuse. Worst case scenario, she can approach local women's group to walk away from this life. Kids will understand her, once what he had done to push her out of the marriage. Let him take care of 2-kids, then he will understand what 'life is'. --- JMO

(sorry, I am extremely upset / disturbed by reading this post, what kind of person is he? Brought an innocent person to abroad and torturing her like this?)
Click to expand...

Yes I felt the same way that’s why posting here to get more idea .. if am in that place I would have trashed him n showed him his real place .. can’t even digest how ugly that fellow abusing her orally ..

He deserves hell for sure ..he brought her here as she is good looking at that time n did her masters but very innocent girl .. now he is complaining she doesn’t have eng degree is he blind at that time ..?

And that fellow curses her all the time before she starts to office you will fell in accident n you will die then I will re settle my life like that .. he wishes her death .. even though she is not daring to come out .. don’t know what she is made with there needs to be some limit even for patience ..

Am very disturbed there’s days after I heard her story definitely she deserves much better life ..

Jas82688 · Aug 22, 2018

shravs3 said: ↑

God! Why do some men behave like that?? Inspite of she earning, her husband is torturing her.

Abuse need not be physical alone , even mentally abusing is a crime.
She need to record all his abuse and contact some lawyer as soon as possible.

She need to stand up for herself.
Atleast She must have control on part of her salary.

They need son for their pride but when the same son stops taking care of old parents then they will realise the value of daughter!

This mindset of wanting son over daughter should change . Only then the society will change.

How merciless he is to wish to put her in jail. Why do such men even exist?? Why do they need marriage ,family etc
Click to expand...

Yes he is a devil .. wishes her death n curses her all the time

I have asked her what are his major complaints ..?

1. Driving

She is not efficient he knows that but he doesn’t help her to overcome the fear .. she can’t get out of that fear on her own and If increased even after accident ..

Husband took away car keys n telling her she can’t drive for one small accident n dropping her at office and using the commute time to abuse her .. I saw her one time getting out of car with tears ..

Expects her to work 24*7 take all responsibilities now complaints she is not going to gym .. if she ash’s Take care of kids then he says go in the morning when kids sleep .. sothat he doesn’t have to take care of kids ..

She wakes up at 5 prepares food for kids n them .. comes to office by 9 leaves around 6.30 .. after everyone left office .. then again starts coooking babtjing kids feeding them n putting them to sleep .. then cleaning dishes n cutting veg for morning .. she goes to bed by 11 to 12 .. she hardly sleeps 4 or 5 hours in between her toddlers cries fir milk if it’s more than 1 min she takes to feed her devil enters shouting at her even mid night ..

Dint know how to describe I did not see such characters even in movies ..

Between I asked her to post here she told he is very cunning fellow can track her here ..

MalStrom · Aug 22, 2018

Help her to open a bank account of her own. Once that is done she should fill out a direct deposit form at her employer. Her salary will automatically be deposited into her account. She can transfer some amount for the household expenses but the remainder should be kept for her savings.
There is no need to rely on her husband for driving lessons. Ask her to pay for some classes at a driving school and then you can sit with her while she practices in an empty parking lot.

DDream · Aug 22, 2018

Jas82688 said: ↑

She is Afraid of opening a new account .. since when she asked in the past he behaved like a psyco told her she is not allowed and she is getting any way all the things needed like food home clothes n credit card though he restricts .. he can make it big deal ..but this is very good advice ..
Click to expand...

This clearly show she is in an abusive marriage. Why she asked him. That is a mistake. Just open an account. Then face it with courage. He wants her to be a dependent on him . He is afraid of her freedom. This is what any abuser do. Trap the victim. She needs to stand up for herself. I dont see any other way. This kind of life is not good for her or kids..

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