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Posting On Behalf Of Friend Need Your Inputs

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Jas82688, Aug 21, 2018.

  1. Jas82688

    Jas82688 Silver IL'ite

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    hello ladies,

    Recently I posted about my friend colleague about her ID lost issue luckily her court date got postponed so she applied for new one so she will get her new licence before the court date ..

    On the day I drove her she looked very dull I thought she is nervous but felt something is not good I just asked her is she is fine ..? She started crying and informed me about her marital issues .. I know her husband just saw him 3 times so don’t know about him much but looks like from her story he is a monsters oral abuser ..

    She work here full time with me no account on her own all salary goes to joint account from there he will transfer to his account .. she doesn’t know the account credentials he kept for himself .. all she have is credit cards to fill gas n eat if needed ..every purchase she does even $1 she keeps receipt since husband asks them ..

    She is bit poor in driving care from small town looked nice in the past can’t belive how her appearance changed after marriage due to the continuous oral abuse mental torture from her husband ..

    When I asked why the only answer I got from her is for kids .. he has two kids one kindergarten same in my kids school n one toddler ..she thinks she can’t taka care of them alone in this country if she separate..

    Coming to the point I asked her to do more driving practice she told who will help her she took two driving classes already not a bad driver but unfortunately made an accident where no one injured .. but it’s a collision now the case is in court she thought of paying the ticket husband refused ..

    The only source to practice her driving is her husband .. she told he always complaints about her not having engineering degree not driving well and come for practice .. when she goes with him he starts all the oral abuse while driving so she couldn’t concentrate end up crying while driving even though he will not stop ..

    I felt really sad after hearing everything .. u told I coundt belive all this as he looked like a nice person to me .. then she payed voice record that she recorded their conversation .. am totally on shock he was talking like a slum person using all nasty works I count even write here ..

    I dint know why she is taking all this **** in the name of kids n not able to drive efficiently..

    What you guys suggest .. she wants to resign be work at home mom take care of kids husband said if she leaves job he will divorce her n prove her careless mother showing her driving accident record that she is not fit in the society .. he clearly told the record I will make you to go to jail will get the witness n talk on their behalf sothat you won’t get kids coustidy you will not get alimony ..

    Now she is literally shaking saying she won’t go to court as husband said he will put her in Jain n take kids away from her .. she is literally crying I will go back to India all I want is my kids I don’t want money which he is not accepting..I am clueless told her to divorce that bloody but she can’t live here alone am sure she is very weak person physically mentally ..

    What are her choices ..?

    Divorce she can’t take care of kids alone can leave India with kids they are US citizens

    She doesn’t have any money left till today no support from parents they are old dependent on her brother ..

    My blood boiling feeling like punching on her husbands face such a dirty fellow he is ..

    I thought of helping her in driving but my work is very busy with two kids not able to do much for her other than In emergencies..

    Please suggest something ..
     
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  2. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    Tell her to collect more proof of abuse and keep it safely.

    Help her get her own account and transfer her pay check into that.

    Get her in touch with women helpline and inform them of abuse.

    If it is possible to pay up the fine for the accident,help her pay it.

    Tell her to inform the monster that if he does not stop the abuse,she will send him to jail.

    She should also see some counsellor to work on her self esteem.

    I really don't understand what is the use of being educated and having a job if you can't take care of your own life. Why do these women have children with these abusers. One I can understand....but they go on to have a second one with the same abuser.
    It is so difficult to even sympathise with people who dig a hole for themselves and then go sit in it.
     
    GeetaKashyap, shravs3 and Jas82688 like this.
  3. Jas82688

    Jas82688 Silver IL'ite

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    @yellowmango thank you for your advice I was expecting reply from you read many advices given by you all I felt are great ..

    Yes what you said is 100% correct .. per her problems started after second kid born until then they have ok relationship .. since her husband is very make dominant was expecting a male kid in second birth after finding gender of kid he starred this mental torture ..

    So it’s not in her hands at that time as she is weak pregnant lady with complications .. she has another surgery too she looks damn weak doing all the work at home n office that fellow even won’t lift a spoon looks like expects three hot meals clean home and bathrooms also she will clean she can’t hire help he will not agree she can’t watch tv on her own home the moment she sits to take rest he starts oral abuse .. that’s what I heard from her ..

    He will not take her outside no movies he takes kids outsides just to prove the works mother not accompanied.. all she does is work at office go home do all House hood chores n sleep for few hours depending on her husbands mood ..

    Her life is pathetic .. she saying again n again she dint want to live here but need kids so that she can take them to India live their life in her parents town ..

    I know US law can’t accept taking US citizens with her after divorce n her husband can prove he has more financial stability to take the custody ..

    She is crying for Kids .. looks like she is depression they purchased a home husband is asking her to leave the home n stay in apartment so that he Doesn’t have to pay for child support n alimony .. she is scared of living alone no friends or relatives here other than me ..
     
  4. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    Her husband is bullying her knowing she is weak.
    Tell her to meet a lawyer.
    She has been working and contributing at home and with money. Why is she so scared?
    Half of everything is hers.
    Tell her to meet a good lawyer and then she can tell that monster to leave home.

    The problem is that she thinks she cannot manage without him .Does she not understand how that is easier than living with a monster.
    Does she not understand how this abuse effects the children?



    Ask her to record the abuse. Then get in touch with a lawyer. Get her to understand her position in case of a divorce. How is he going to escape child support?

    Is there a way she can pay the fine. She should take out her money from this months pay check and pay the fine first. Don't let that monster control her using the accident. Since no one was injured,she should try her best to pay up the fine.
     
    GeetaKashyap and shravs3 like this.
  5. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    Here is something of interest I had read and posted earlier.
    May be she should check with Indian lawyers regarding this.

    Check India's stand on this.

    Hague Convention On Child Abduction.
     
    Last edited: Aug 21, 2018
  6. Jas82688

    Jas82688 Silver IL'ite

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    @yellowmango i can help her definitely to pay the amount but not sure since the case is in court and she pleaded guilty .. can she pay the fine even after she pleaded guilty ..?

    Looks like her husband is a psyco.. he says she can’t drive perfectly so come to practice the moment she sits in the car to practice he starts abusing so that she can’t drive or learn so cycle repeats .. yes looks like he is using her weakness ..and accident also he is using against her to take kids away n now he is supporting the other party threatening her is she won’t listen to him he will come to court n tell The judge that she is very bad driver not can’t take kids safely to school n give her as much as punishment needed .. n he is gathering witness information against her to support his words ..
     
  7. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    I don't know since I live in India.
    Check with lawyer.
     
  8. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    He is a classic abuser.
    He feeds off her insecurity.
    He keeps her feeling weak and insecure because it either gives him pleasure or that is the only way he knows he can keep her with him .
     
  9. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    I think you should help her...
    1) Get her own account.

    2) Help her pay off the fine or whatever needs to be done.

    3) Get her in touch with a lawyer and women's helpline.

    4) Get her to get some counselling for herself . He has broken her emotionally.
     
  10. DDream

    DDream Platinum IL'ite

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    OP, your friend have to empower herself. If she cannot support her who will help ? She has to be brave and confident. She need to explore the system here . She feels insecure and has low self esteem now. She needs to work on it.

    She is partially responsible for all these situation. She encouraged his behavior by following his orders and by bending too much . A mistake many women do. Never ever lower below your comfort zone. The moment she says 'let us divorce' he will change the tone. Now he knows that she is weak and dependent on him. Agree with @yellowmango' suggestions.

    When he raise voice, she should be able to revert back similar points. But she need to go slowly in the beginning till she gain confidence to face situation.

    Is he only a 'oral abuser' or does he abuse her physically. Record all evidences of abuse. If he an oral abuser only, if so she can completely keep a deaf year to her husband and ignore it till she know what to do. But she need to prove it through actions.

    1) start with the first step. Go to a bank. Open a new account and transfer her full salary there. Then add apart of this salary (ideally 50 % or less if her salary is less than her husband) to joint checking account. This will give her financial Independence is she need money. Even if he orally abuse her completely ignore that. Then tell him that she is an adult and if she can earn she know how to manage and she contributed to household expense . Prepare an answer and completely ignore his tantrums. If he is her husband behave like a husband not like a baby sitter. If she has her own money, she can take driving lessons to fine tune her driving skills.

    2) If she needs clarity in thoughts , she can consult a counselor. As she is employed she should ask for EAP program. They will freely cover many sessions and may suggest a counselor for her needs. She can go there for herself. May be the counselor help her to bring her dh to counselling.

    3) "expecting a male kid" its not a male child because his sperm didnt have enough 'y' chromosomes. She can raise this point. Its is his fault ( not really but) than hers. Any educate man should know. I think he is using this as a weapon to silence here. She need to silence him back.

    4) Get the contact numbers of helpline for abuse for abuse (https://www.thehotline.org/is-this-abuse/). If he ever raise hand, she has to tell him, I will call 911 if you touch my body.

    If he tell her that she will put her jail, then she has to tell her that she can do the same for domestic abuse.

    5) "they purchased a home husband is asking her to leave the home n stay in apartment so that he Doesn’t have to pay for child support n alimony" . Are they talking about separation already. I think its to silence her. She can tell him that she already consulted a lawyer(She can do it) and she knows american laws. The laws will never give kid to a father who abuses their mother . Law will protect her and he needs to pay alimony as he is a father. He cannot escape from that. As long as she is married, she owns at least 50% of all property. She can take a stand that its her home. If he want to leave he can.

    6) "hot meals clean home and bathrooms " . She need to learn how to say 'NO'. Tell him if he wants these he need to treat her well. She is not his servant. If he shouts , she can tell him you are a bad role model for kids. Never over do things we cannot. If she is tired,take rest, get well and then do jobs. She need to love and take care of herself. Just ignore his verbal diarrhea. Take a stand he has to help in house hold cores. She can use her brain on how to do it tactfully.

    7) "her ID lost issue luckily her court date got postponed so she applied for new one so she will get her new licence before the court date", Try to get out of this problem as soon as possible. Then start these steps. This car issue has nothing to do with custody. She can consult a lawyer.

    8) Just take a stand for showing how confident she is. "Ok you give me divorce, take kids, let me enjoy life .. but let the court decide" then he will change the tone. Dont be afraid of his words. In reality she only get kids plus 50% or more alimony. They will not give kids an abuser. So its important to collect evidence (consult a lawyer on that ). One cannot take US citizen kids to India without both their parents permission.

    As a friend, you can give her support and help her. But its is better not to involve too much. You can share the facts, support her emotionally, help her if she needs any help . But she need to stand up for herself. No else can help her to take decisions. She needs to find a way. What is her visa status ?

    She has to be strong for her kids if she think she is a good mother. A home with abusive parents is not a good thing for kids. Stand up for her and for her kids.

    She needs to show him that she will not tolerate it any more. Stop crying and start action. She can do it. He will resist for sure. Completely ignore him. Knowledge is power, try to learn the rules and empower herself.

    There is a U visa (U visa - Wikipedia) for victims of domestic abuse
     
    Last edited: Aug 21, 2018
    GeetaKashyap and shravs3 like this.

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