Possessive and controlling M-I-L

rimiritu · Feb 23, 2010

Dear all,
I am newly married for few months only..... and i am facing the biggest problem in my life my M-I-L. She thinks she knows everything.... I am the eldest D-I-L and she had 3 sons she is very sensitive with her kids.... till today she take control and want to know what is happening in each of their life..... before our wedding she said now my work is over let his wife handle and now i want to take care of my husband she feel insure that i will steal her son away...... she will do anything to get his attention.....

i am a modern thinking girl and she cannot accept that....... she want me to be happy in the way she set for me...... she want me to be always under her control ... she don't like when my husband is close to me ... She don't want me to go out with my husband .... she get upset when my husband treat me well.... buy gift for me....... take me out for any reason.... she want me to be at home only..... she is very very collective about money ... my husband is giving one amount of money for the house (this is the rule where she set herself) i feel like she is not running a family she is running a business.. she don't want us to go out and spend money ....

During our wedding parties the photographer wanted to take our picture together holding wine glasses and and our hand cross she will also have to put her hand in between the his and destroy the whole picture during our reception she did not move from our table she was just looking at people giving us envelope from time to time she will come to his son to take all the envelope and after the reception i have few important bags of my jewelries which i told my sister to hold it for me but my M-I-L just took it from her......she was so rude and that incident really made be upset I can tell you my wedding was not a memorial one.... nothing was done putting the bride as the priority

i am not a good cook but i learn a bit from my mother before getting married .... i started cooking and my B-I-L and F-I-L eats more and when my M-I-L cook they eat like normal or sometimes less..... and when my husband compliment my cooking she gets upset..... now she stops me from cooking...... in the beginning when i wanted to cook she will make face and say ' Oh U r cooking' ... she never complement my cooking or anything about me which i don't mind (i never expected at all) i just want to do something for my husband is it sooo wrong that i cook for my husband....

I want to be part of this family but she is not accepting it.... it is sooo difficult to handle her now.....she will taunt me from time to time.... in everything infront of any body NOW I DON'T WANT TO BE ACCEPTED AS D-I-L BUT JUST ACCEPT ME AS A HUMAN BEING IS GOOD ENOUGH ALREADY.....she cant accept that if i know more then here many times she will ask me question that i will not know in front of people to make me feel low...... my value is just to produce babies and nothing else but then i told my husband that i am not mentally ready to have a baby. (touchwood & i am bless with a very loving and supportive husband) but then i am irritated with having her presence around,,,, our communication is very less now..... i am trying to talk less with her because of the generation gap..... she thinks that we all today generation kids are spoil and we have to be control...... Another things which annoy me is...... she will just open the door into our room without knocking

She will only praise her sons and her side of family member (not her in-law) i never heard her saying anything about my F-I-L side and she always like to compliment herself that i know this i have cooked this bla bla bla........ she many times want to show others that how bad i am...... and THE MOST IMPORTANT THING is she is taking me as her competitor in every move and everything i do .... I am myself soo tired i just want to live peacefully ..... once in front of my mother and me she said that her mother always told her that always do 'sewa' to your M-I-L & other in-law members and you will always be happy.... so that means that i am not doing anything.......

U yourself dont allow me to cook
When i do anything for you U said NO need

I am just tooo mentally disturb and tired of what ever is happening....... i share it with my husband (he advise me not to bother) but then .... i dont want to behave like that.... less communication / avoiding etc... etc...

waiting for your advise gals
rimi

vmtaurus · Feb 23, 2010

Hi Ritu
Congratulations on your marriage! I can totally understand your frustration. This is exactly what I went through (at least most of it) when I got married. It's a good thing you have a supportive husband.
Please learn to ignore your MIL. I guess many of us go with the expectation that our MILs will be different from the usual, but guess what? They are not. You have to learn to ignore all the taunts/talks. It is difficult as this is also your initial adjustment period, but work on it. Relax and take a deep breadth, and count to 10 everytime you feel your temper rising! Do NOT get hassled when things around you are not going the way you like it. Concentrate on building a rock solid relationship with your hubby.
If she gets jealous of you..it really is her problem! If she does not allow you to cook, don't bother. If she taunts you saying you cant cook, just say that you have not been doing it for 25-30 years of your life! It take practice, and that only comes with age! When you are her age, you will be better than her I'm sure If she cannot accept you, again it is her problem. It takes a broad minded person to accept another person - esp. a DIL. Do not think you have to bow down to her thoughts (with reference to doing seva for in-laws)...you are entitled to yours too. You ARE an individual. But also remember, there will be expectations from a DIL and that too an elder one from the family..so do your duty, but stay detached.
Its so easy to say this, but I have learnt to build this detachment (and still working on it ). I can now laugh about the things which used to effect me sooo much before!
All in all, I say have patience, ignore your MIL's taunts, focus on the positives and building a relationship with your hubby!
Good Luck to you!

sky3sky · Feb 23, 2010

Yes Ritu I can totally understand your position. Do not expect any help from your husband now or ever. The only advice they can give in such a situation is not to bother but they do not have the guts to say anything to their mother or their family. We call them loving and supportive but being supportive is to stand by us and solve our problems which they do not do. This problem is not going to go away till she dies. It will only get worse when the other 2 brothers marry and then she will start favouring the younger d-il. It is best that you and your husband move out of the house and stay separately. Yes there will be a major melodrama in the house and emotional blackmail but this is the best solution. Now atleast there will be 2 more sons in the house with them but if these 2 sons move out then you will be unable to move out. As then the drama of how you people left old parents and moved out will start. You have not got married to live a life of depression. If they cannot treat you well do not feel guilty about moving out. When people hate each other and continue to stay in the same house due to social pressures (what will people say?) then they end up becoming physically sick. Your husband will feel sandwiched between his mother and you and he will not have the guts to take your side. So to avoid your nagging he will start coming home late and try to stay out of the house as much as possible. Also the constant friction will give rise to high blood pressure, hypertension and heart disease in men. Women under continuous stress can end up with cancer, asthma and skin problems. So get out of the house before you and your husband damage your health. We suffered for 20 yrs before we could move out. I will never wish what I suffered on anyone.

shivachoubey · Feb 23, 2010

Hi Rimi,

If you decide that you no longer want to live this kind of life then its best to live separately. Talk to your husband, tell him you cannot take it any longer and it is making you depressed from inside. There is no point in living with a person who has so much negativity.

Don't bother about money matters as she has set rules in her house and let her deal with the cooking. Next time when she ask you questions which you don't know in front of visitor then confront her openly.Ask her why she keeps asking you question in front of visitors, is this some kind of a quiz game or what. Once she is shown the way in front of visitors she will get the point.

Its your life lady, don't make it miserable. Put your foot down and let others know that you don't feel good about certain things and these certain things need to change.

regards

rojarani · Feb 23, 2010

Dear rimiritu,

After reading ur post , just i couldnt stop myself......
i'm married 6 years now, have a 5 years son....still i'm in ur shoes...even after 6 years..... i feel very very low and depressed now , u can read my posts.... that to my FIL was not there b'4 marriage itself, MIL is controlling me all over these years, u can imagine how controlling is she....i only thought that to be a good obedient DIl which made my life horrible loneliness.

coming to ur point... ur marriage ur newly married
if u really want to come out of this situation, i dont know where u stay nor what u studied..
.
1..just geat a JOB first be financial independent.which makes u confident and deal the matter...

2. so that u can avoid all these incidents MIL always try to insult us and observe when they will get a chance.

3. dont plan for kids now itself.

i really can tell u if u feel low ( even for me it started like this we feel as if we should not argue with elders and leave it then they think they r controlling more us and increase the insults) husbands say just ignore, we cant ignore . and it effects our mental effect....and we will be thrown somewhere down the mountain.....

my only only suggestion is u should be strong first itself, dont expect crown from MIL as they never be satisfied.... even when ur other bil's get married may then u might have missed this oppurtunity...first of all just u become financially independent or else get ur husband transfered.
if not u try to be strong when she comments just reply her what with a smiling face... so that she should forget to answer u back.... after that again u mingle with her nicely

so overall think a solution for this as soon as possible..

be happy, and dont feel inferior...
thank u.

ShilpaMa · Feb 23, 2010

Rimi.. this is shaadi ka laddoooooooo
Niether can you ingest nor digest.

For me.. 6 yrs+ and the struggle is still on... it gets bad - worst and rarely any better.. its a constant fight for a lifetime for your basic rights & dignity.... save your energy to be prepared for a long battle. All the best.. getting drained is not a solution.. take it as a swimming class... where water is making all attempts to pull you down & you just know how to make best of its buoyancy :thumbsup.

Malavika81 · Feb 23, 2010

waiting for your advise gals
rimi
Click to expand...

If I said 'Hire a hitman', would I be totally out of line? :rotfl

vmtaurus · Feb 23, 2010

Malavika81 said: ↑

If I said 'Hire a hitman', would I be totally out of line? :rotfl
Click to expand...

:yes::rotfl

rimiritu · Feb 24, 2010

thank you soo much guys......
i am feeling much better now.... i needed to share it or else i will go crazy......... i felt my hometown and settling in a new country with new people........ no friends ..... still hunting for a job ( U know as an ex pats it is a bit difficult to get a job - but i am trying my level best)

Dear friends as per your advice

I will learn how to ignore and not bother M-I-L
I will find a secure job
I will built a strong relationship with my husband
&
I will do my duty
thank you sooo much

rimiritu · Feb 24, 2010

Dear friends,

I am trying to ignore and not bother but........

now my M-I-L is trying very hard to get my husband attention........ in every possible way she can...... the one which irritate me the most is calling my husband very luvy luvy ways.... every time she will address 'my' & his name ....... she is telling me indirectly that my husband is his son only..... she will try to start on a conversation with me.... well this is not how she behave before..... before she never waited for him...... now she will wait for him until he is back........ until late night.....

sometimes i feel that for what sin i have done ... why is God punishing me like this......

she force me eat more..... so i can 'gain' becoz every time whether it is a function or gathering i always look better then her....she herself eat less she said she want to reduce weight .......but for me she force me to eat more and she will force me to eat all which are left over..... i have already eaten dinner..... my stomach is full ... i cannot eat more.... i hate when she said that i have to finish what ever is left..... :rant

once when i was away with my husband to visit our cousin......for a night..... she came to my room and started to inspect my cupboard my dressing table my draw all my things.... i know coz things which was kept horizontally suddenly when i open my cupboard when i am back it was kept vertically ...... there was a torn blouse which i plan to throw..... then she just ask yr blouse is torn ... how it did torn...why did it torn.... U guys know where did i hided near my shoe boxes ..... she when thru each and every single thing in my room.... I was soooo soooo MAD but i try to clam down.......:bowdown

she can take it when other people compliment me in front of her...... one of her bad habit is to force.....the son can argue but i cannot ...... she is smart she will do things when my husband is not around me coz she knows that my husband will answer on my behalf........

i really want to move out but unfortunately my husband siblings are staying abroad they are still studying and i have a bad feeling that they will not come back....they will find job over there and settle there only......well only i am felt behind here......:drowning

needed to share it....... had to let it out......
really don't know how to ignore her presence .......