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Positive parenting

Discussion in 'Schoolgoers & Teens' started by swt.charu, Mar 8, 2016.

  1. tuffyshri

    tuffyshri Gold IL'ite

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    PPI from my side yesterday -
    I broached the subject of how is she excelling in Abacus all of a sudden. She said 1) that I told her that this will help her crack maths faster in the IIT entrance exams 2) that she got star student of the day (just a mention in the class in front of all kids) twice 3) the tutor gave her a set of erasers for best performance few days back. What she didnt say but I know is there is no more homework but just few exercise to be done at home.
    So now I used this and have come to an agreement with her that if she is doing her eye exercise regularly at least for 3/4 of a month (which I asked to find out by herself, she was happy doing it), she will get a perk. (She immediately said a book on Thea Stilton :rolleyes:) Let us see if she will still have the spirit or will give up the idea of having a perk itself. Yes sometimes it has happened that she coolly say I dont want it, no problem. So lazy is she... so like me, unfortunately...
     
  2. swt.charu

    swt.charu Platinum IL'ite

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    well... what prompted me is really the good it does to my son and I can see both our kids are having a similar wavelenghth ...

    He absorbs quite a lot at his bal vikas class... a lot of spiritual aspects which seem heavy even for elders are taught in the class and he can grasp and understand it...he has even spoken to me about few things...

    balvikas classes and attending bhajans once a week is the "only" non negotiable thing at our home. This is the only stuff where all the four adults at home agree un conditionally. So the message to him is crisp and clear from all four of us..

    Everything else, one or the other adult has a different view and my DS "knows" his escape route ..

    Even while I write this, it strikes to me hard how critical it is to lead by example...all four of us set an example here by "doing the right thing" and its so easy to get him to do it..
     
  3. swt.charu

    swt.charu Platinum IL'ite

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    well... what prompted me is really the good it does to my son and I can see both our kids are having a similar wavelenghth ...

    He absorbs quite a lot at his bal vikas class... a lot of spiritual aspects which seem heavy even for elders are taught in the class and he can grasp and understand it...he has even spoken to me about few things...

    balvikas classes and attending bhajans once a week is the "only" non negotiable thing at our home. This is the only stuff where all the four adults at home agree un conditionally. So the message to him is crisp and clear from all four of us..

    Everything else, one or the other adult has a different view and my DS "knows" his escape route ..

    Even while I write this, it strikes to me hard how critical it is to lead by example...all four of us set an example here by "doing the right thing" and its so easy to get him to do it..
     
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  4. swt.charu

    swt.charu Platinum IL'ite

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    This is one thing I am unable to crack yet...

    my DS too gets motivated (I mean really really motivated) to do stuff if he is "recognised" ..

    Also, he wants his recognition to come from "outsiders" and not us... when I praise him or reward him, he is quick to say I do all of this because I am his son and I see only good in him ... he is clearly not excited about our gifts..

    The thing is one gets awards and recognition only if they perform and my son will perform only if he gets recognised... I am drowning in this vicious cycle ...
     
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  5. swt.charu

    swt.charu Platinum IL'ite

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    yesterday's incidence...

    we were going out and I was driving... striked a conversation with him..

    It was generally about people and our interaction with them... I narrated what one of my teachers had told me in school about people....

    "each interaction we have with others is like eating a fruit... just like a fruit, there will be the skin / peel that needs to be thrown away and the fruit which should be eaten... similarly people will have different characteristic in them like good and bad ... we should only take the good in them and ignore the bad and leave it out"

    my great idea was to guide him to distinguish and make the right choice...

    his response.... "mom ... you know I am a breaker of rules... I can never follow any rules..."

    me .. speechless...

    sigh... I am hopeful... something will strike a chord somewhere someday ..
     
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  6. tuffyshri

    tuffyshri Gold IL'ite

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    Speak about negotiation. As you correctly pointed out, she too knows the escape route. Esp. me. Though I appear so strict towards her, it is ultimately me she will take advantage of. I will be very happy if she sticks to it on regular basis because she loves satsangs (I took her to Art of Living Satsang once and she just loved it), reciting slokas etc. but irrespective of us being strict in that, she will surely escape IF she is not interested. Period! That is my problem
    Yep. most of the problems is with me too.. who is doing the right thing always? definitely not me and she always picks after me. ALL the negative traits
     
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  7. tuffyshri

    tuffyshri Gold IL'ite

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    Same pinch 100 times, my god!!! yours and my kid are just the same. Yes our awards are not as motivating as the others doing it. So now I have devised a plan (my DH's idea in fact). Am gonna create a fake email id pretending to be from the Ashram, and send messages and gifts addressing my DD myself. I think that will help her sticking to her eye exercise schedule.
     
  8. tuffyshri

    tuffyshri Gold IL'ite

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    Hugs to you Charu. I can totally empathize your situation. And I am so sorry for your kid also as he has decided himself as a rule breaker, may be because of we adults keep on 'insisting' the rules and that where the kid is really performing. Had I been you, I would have continued to confront with my DD, try to make her u/stand that she is wrong. She will silently listen but just continues doing what she wants to. How about his friends circle? just curious to know (sorry if you have mentioned it in any of your other threads).
    We often forget to speak in a language that the child can understand. As someone already created a cartoon, it is all like greek and latin only to them when these big words and morals are being insisted.
     
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  9. Shanvy

    Shanvy IL Hall of Fame

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    Aww @tuffyshri she is too small for iit entrance pressure..and let me also tell you loads of changes coming the in the way iit gets conducted and i am not sure how many more before your daughter is ready..so leave those exams for another day. make it about being interesting.
    btw, there is another school of thought that stops abacus after 6th and they say the kids get confused in working out maths problems at school. not sure about the argument, just giving you a heads up.
    and if this govt were to continue, expect vedic maths as a chapter in the coming years.. god save education from politicians and politcal pressure..
    and make your dd understand that appreciation from others is nice, but that is not the primary motivation. ask her how does she feel when she is able to solve a problem, do a test well, happy, then that is what matters more.. we don't want to cultivate people pleasers, we as a generations have that trait, let our kids not cultivate that. do what is right, what makes them happy without hurting others.
     
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  10. Shanvy

    Shanvy IL Hall of Fame

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    lol, @swt.charu you have one smart one there

    that is the tween attitude...
     
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