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Positive parenting

Discussion in 'Schoolgoers & Teens' started by swt.charu, Mar 8, 2016.

  1. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Around dinner time:

    Me: Did you do your shower today?
    Kid: No.
    Me: Go change your clothes. Tomorrow, do your shower early.

    Instead of my more usual: why do you think a daily shower is optional. why do you need to be reminded. a shower is important for body and mind. it is basic hygiene.

    Peace on earth. A few missed showers in a year.. not a big deal!!!
     
  2. tuffyshri

    tuffyshri Gold IL'ite

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    Am a frustrated mom of 9 years old (and a 3 years old). My DD is just like Charu's son. As Shanvy aptly said lazy dreamer. For eg., She wants to persuade into IIT but only in vision. Lacks any potential step towards achieving it. Am NOT yet into PPI because I am too confused to understand what is all +ve towards my DD. Few things to quote -
    1) She has myopia (far sight) for like 3 years now. Alarmingly increasing power due to various reasons. We took her to Pondicherry ashram to do the eye exercise. She was happy coming there, did the exercise for one week and then for few more weeks. She insisted on doing few of them by herself (per ashram, parents have to help the kids) which I happily allowed her. But these days I literally have to fall on her feet to make her do the exercise everyday. Shouting, emotional threatening, soothing, bribing.... NOTHING works. When I confront her (not just this activity, but generally), she will come up with N no. of excuses and reasons to quote.. (She has very good imagination). For eg., she quoted that I am taking afternoon naps which is not making her comfortable doing the exercise!!!!!! :-O

    2) We put her in basket ball just for fun. Not to make her sporty and all (she hates sports) but more of exercise, friends, and importantly she will get out of the house. uh! She will not go just like that, so I used to get ready to go irrespective of she joining me or not. Then she will whine and get ready. Now, we stopped her due to the winters and exams. This month she doesnt want to get enrolled again. One lazy, two she quotes that she has to do everything from the beginning becoz she didnt attend class for like 6 months. Same for swimming classes two years back... she quoted that she hated her master. The master was a gentleman whom I know for years and I also learnt from him only. There are N no. of other kids of both gender who have absolutely no problem with him except my DD. Same for music classes (BTW except basket ball, all the others are her request only, we didnt force her for anything). Surprisingly she is sticking with the current master who teaches over skype. He is also very kind and does not make any harsh comments for her mistakes. In fact he is my nephew's master in Chennai, my nephew says he gets lot of scolding from master actually. But never did he raise his voice to my DD. Yesterday she cried for him too saying he mimicked her singing it seems (LOL!!!) and shes hurt. How come she can be SOOOO sensitive???? Nobody should say NOTHING to her? May be the mistake is on me... becoz I used to scold her a lot (I had previously written a thread on this, Shanvy and others have poured in their valuable comments). Now I think I have reduced but not according to my DD.

    3) Anything and everything has a very short span of interest only. All her initial excitement will go off later. thats what happened in most of the classes that she went. She hates doing maths just because the numbers are not different every time! Whereas science and languages have various things to offer her but poor maths. In food also, I have to be innovative to make her eat healthy. Like chocolate dosa, shaped like dora or sponge bob, etc. Upma should be in shape of rabbit... what else!! I still feed her because else the vegetable will go into dust bin.
    The only thing which she is not lost interest is reading books and writing stories. Drawing and creativity a big NO (whereas I sit every now and then to do something or the other. that time she will also bring hers. Recently am more interested in doing 3D quilling and drawing comics... she is also trying to do it)

    4) All those motivations and advices - she has got enough that nothing enters her mind. She loves listening to advices but all those goes in vain. She will remain the same and does whatever she wants to do. She has no friends because she is too short tempered and sensitive that either she will be the center of attraction for other kids to bully her or she will pick a fight over nothing and come home crying. We also try to motivate her by getting good stuffs like books. That part she loves. She is too good in studies, she gets 10 on 10 CGPA, has very very good name in school among teachers but is sometimes complacent about it. According to me that mark she gets is not the correct education she gets bcoz basically she lacks action of that education. (More of an "yettu suraikkai" in tamil). Her teacher was absolutely surprised when I seeked her help to correct her basic disciplines like for eg., she used to tear pages from her notebooks. The notebooks were looking pathetic and way too thin to be called a class work. And she used to lose EVERYTHING including a big milton lunch box. She is not sticking to her timings... But her teacher said that my DD is absolutely perfect in school and has no complaints. I still went back the next month and she literally shooed me away saying there is nothing that needs an improvement. So she is behaving something else at school whereas reality is different, right? She is not scared of teachers, BTW because she is complacent about being the Best student of the class.

    Sorry... this going on lengthy that I will break this into two threads. Thanks for your patience but am pouring out all the problems to get expert advice and remedy as she will enter teenage in few years and I dont want to be too late in making any damage control then
     
  3. tuffyshri

    tuffyshri Gold IL'ite

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    5) Yesterday two things happened - one positive and one negative.
    Positive - there were few guests at home. She was too excited to receive them, take care of them that she cleaned the house quickly, put on perfumes, make quick arrangements and then she insisted and she only served them snacks back to back. She felt very happy and so did we that after they went we patted her and appreciated her good efforts. She immediately asked for a token of prize. I gave her a big hug and kisses all over her face which she valued a lot. (here i have to quote a PPI change that I did - I realized that she really loves to be hugged and kissed very often, esp. after my younger one was born. I u/stood that the younger one gets all these but not older one though my DH always does the other way only. But she needed me to do it. Also that my younger one is thinking that didi is always for pointing mistakes and not for hugging and all which hurt me. Now I have changed and have started cuddling my DD in front of younger one which has bloomed some kind of love between me and DD and also between the sisters)

    Negative - we all wanted to go to temple. She didnt want to come (somehow she complaints that we always go to temple and not other places though that is not true). She chose to be at home alone. I knew the reason - she wanted to watch cartoons or draw comic strip in computer for her next story (using storyboards online) or she something else of that sort. I used to let her do that when it is for like few minutes but going to temple will take definitely an hour. I didnt want to encourage her being alone at home. So I said I will disconnect the TV and also take the system with myself. She coolly replied thats ok.. i still have books to read. Then I had to raise my voice and then she came half heartedly. But once inside temple she was very good. She adored the lords, recited slokas, helped me buy malas.. everything.

    So what is really happening that keeps her motivation is unclear. When she was in her class I we put her in Abacus but she didnt like it, so we stopped her from that. Now few months back I thought of introducing vedic maths to her which is fun (she got excited to learn that 9 is a magic number and that prompted her). But the class tutor said she is too young to do vedic maths but abacus will help her go there in 2 years. My DD immediately agreed to go to abacus. I thought history repeat, when she was a bit fuzzy to do homeworks on every day basis but she did it. Now she is term 3 (has started multiplication) and she just LOVES going to the classes. She loves doing multiplication and double digit additions in fingering (not using the kit but remembering the beads and doing mentally). She is the class topper here too. She is able to cope up with the Term 4 kids in 50% manner. She is already there I mean... what a surprise... what has happened here... I dont know... but the science kit that I brought her which she wanted so badly is just lying in a corner?? I simply cant understand what is triggering her.

    Is she moody?? Am a great moody person, aptly called a snob by my peers. very short tempered but now realizing and changing and making attempts to change. So what I do to her moods? She is still a kid to quote hormone problems and is not having any thyroid problem. She is soft spoken but gets irritated and angry with everyone very easily.
     
  4. tuffyshri

    tuffyshri Gold IL'ite

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    uff.. I have tried this to my DD Rihana... she will just ignore and forget it the next day! :-(
     
  5. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    tuffyshri, she is just 9! Relax. So many things already tried, and she already knows about IIT? Most of the things you've mentioned are standard for that age.

    Write to her. Write with her. Be prepared to see startling things and ideas in her stories, and don't fret too much if you see similarities between your family and story characters.
     
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  6. swt.charu

    swt.charu Platinum IL'ite

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    hello all..

    school started here in the region...so back to the everyday battle ground...

    yesterday was a bad day as a parent for me... I momentorily went back to the lecturing mode... I told him to stop playing with his toy car and get out of bed and go brush... he said yes and after sometime he is in the same position doing the same thing..

    I felt insulted... and told him "the only reason you could be doing this is because you have no respect for what I say"

    I could have avoided all big words ... but could not control...

    he was ok for the day...

    I have to go back to my guide book and revise what I learned.
     
  7. swt.charu

    swt.charu Platinum IL'ite

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    @tuffyshri

    I think your DD may be feeling a certain lack of challenge in everyday tasks?

    Is there a way you can think of raising the bar in things she likes... like story writing or academics?

    Have you tried any weekend classes invlovling relegious activities ? (like balvikas, bal vihar etc)

    They help in instilling right values and attitude is what I feel.
     
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  8. tuffyshri

    tuffyshri Gold IL'ite

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    Thanks Charu. Bal Vihar is a great idea, will definitely try that. But just curious to know.. what prompts you to give me this suggestion? If I know my DD well, she will go for a month or so.. but will not even bother to get ready from next month onward! :-(
     
  9. tuffyshri

    tuffyshri Gold IL'ite

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    Agree Rihana. But as I said I dont want anything to be too late to correct and thats why. Yes she knows about IIT and that she has to clear entrance and that there is course like FIITJEE :-D way too intelligent, uh?!!
    Write to her? How? What? Can you pls explain more.
     
  10. tuffyshri

    tuffyshri Gold IL'ite

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    PPI from my side yesterday -
    I broached the subject of why is she excelling in Abacus all of a sudden. She said 1) that I told her that this will help her crack maths faster in the IIT entrance exams 2) that she got star student of the day (just a mention in the class in front of all kids) twice 3) the tutor gave her a set of eraser for best performance few days back. What she didnt say but I know is there is no more homework but just few exercise to be done at home.
    So now I used this and have come to an agreement with her that if she is doing her eye exercise regularly at least for 3/4 of a month (which I asked to find out by herself, she was happy doing it), she will get a perk. (She immediately said a book on Thea Stilton :rolleyes:) Let us see if she will still have the spirit or will give up the idea of having a perk itself. Yes sometimes it has happened that she coolly say I dont want it, no problem. So lazy is she... so like me, unfortunately...
     

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