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Positive parenting

Discussion in 'Schoolgoers & Teens' started by swt.charu, Mar 8, 2016.

  1. swt.charu

    swt.charu Platinum IL'ite

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    "WHATEVER IS GOING ON INSIDE YOUR MIND IS WHAT YOU ARE ATTRACTING"

    hmm... thank you for bringing this up..
     
  2. Shanvy

    Shanvy IL Hall of Fame

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  3. Shanvy

    Shanvy IL Hall of Fame

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    My thought for the day .. it is not always about getting 100 marks..top marks is not the guarantee to success nor 0 marks guarantee to failure.

    I think all of us parents want our kids to win in whatever they do, that we egg them to win, but forget to teach them to handle failure. and my heart goes out for the increasing number of suicides that i see in the papers and hear (media fails to report all is another story) .even as i write this a girl committed suicide because of a tough maths paper yesterday.

    positive parenting example i promised to share..

    it so happened when my DD was in class 12, cbse the maths paper happened to be very tough. and all students were depressed. i had been at the exam center and picked her or rather dragged her before she talked to any one and got her home (you guessed it she was in tear from the center to home..and more..she cried cried and cried for 2 days.. for the hard work she put and the paper being very tough..) so i allowed her to finish her crying..naturually we are in a country that asks for 98% cut off for b.com yaar. and then we had this conversation...(how do i remember verbatim i will disclose at the end..)

    Me : x, i know you are feeling bad, you are cursing the paper setter, you feel dejected, and you want to do a lot more than crying. i understand.
    but tell me did you do the paper well as far as you could
    DD : yes ma. i tried everything. there was one of the questions that was wrong, i tried even that.
    ME : if so forget it, just relax and concentrate on the next paper.
    DD : No mah, i only see the maths problems when i sit with my economics paper.
    ME : love, let me tell you something, scoring in exams is not just about what you prepared. it is more about time management, working under stress, and trying to do the best you can in a situation..
    DD: Hhmm ..
    ME: your paper was tough inspite of practicing so much and being 100%, the exam time of 3 hours put a time constrainst, you had the stress of not able to work out a few problems, and yet you gave it a try. these are life lessons you carry with you beyond the examination paper.
    DD: MA
    ME : Let me tell you ask you another question, if you were given the very same paper as a practice paper, and given just another 30 minutes without the pressure of a examiner, exam hall, would you have done better.
    DD : YES
    ME : So, it is about knowledge. you have to be happy that you did know how to answer all the question and that is what it is at the end of the day. forget the marks, it may vary according to who corrects your paper. but the knowledge that you gain is something you take away from here to grow better in your chosen field..

    i just hugged and left. it is another story that she got her cut off marks and scored really good in maths too and went on to the college of her choice.

    2016, ds in the same situation, the only thing, he was fine as i had told him to expect a tough papers, and since he has problems with time management he knew his limits.

    So when dd was back from college they were sitting and talking and ds was feeling very bad about the paper..yes the very maths paper was tricky,lengthy and tough this year..and she tells ds "You know what mom did when i was upset with my maths paper during my boards and the verbatim was from her.."

    the feeling that we did guide them right was so fulfilling.

    yes marks are important, in a country where performance is based on marks obtained than the knowledge, but just because you don't get 90 and 100s does not mean the end of the world. so what if you can't get into a course or college that you chose in the ug, you can get back there in your pg. there are many other options to explore. there is so much out there today.. give the children the encouragement and boost and reduce the parental expectations and watch them bloom..
     
  4. swt.charu

    swt.charu Platinum IL'ite

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    thank you @Shanvy...

    Makes a lot of sense... I too heard CBSE board just gave a heart ache to all kids with their math paper...

    During the last weekend I had to deal with something new...

    My son asked me this .."when you were young have you ever felt you were good at nothing??... I think I am good at nothing.."

    I did not know how to respond... I was kind of startled and searched for answers...

    Of course I highlighted to him things he was really good at ...

    the thing is, he needs approval to believe he is good... like getting a prize or getting selected to school team and such..

    any thoughts ladies ??
     
  5. Shanvy

    Shanvy IL Hall of Fame

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    @swt.charu , well don't we all go through these introspecting days..from simple queries to path breaking ones.
    maybe you should allow him to talk..sometimes the answer is in the way we think. ask him just a few questions.. for example, why does he think so..
    and do tell him if you felt that way sometime. just take an incident out of life and share..sometimes the experiences of the people you are close too have a very profound influence on the one who asks.. there is nothing wrong in talking about our weakness or mistakes as a parents, but it is to be said in such a way that our children take a message from that.. (not the message of yeh, my dad did this, so i can do it..;)).

    My daughter asked me if i every regretted being her mom, i did share one moment here,
    And as i type this post i am reminded of a discussion and a story session, that me and my son had. He was a cricket player at school level but due to health issues was asked to stop playing and he was so upset and depressed that he said, "i am a waste now" and ihe went on to say he was not of any use to others.. and thus i narrated the story that i read long long back,

    In a forest, there were many trees and there were birds that lived on those trees too. there was a beautiful rose, a big hibiscus tree and many other plants and along with them there was a cactus too. the rose always thought that it was beautiful and so nice with a nice smell to boot. it used to make fun of the other trees, even the hibiscus that had a nice colour flower..and now we know the cactus was always made to feel bad for its thorn and that it was the least liked plant in the forest.

    Once there was a drought, and all the water around the place started drying and the trees and plants all started drooping, and drying. and the birds used to slowly go and peck the cactus. the rose dizzy in thirst was curious why the birds were doing that..

    the hibiscus tells the rose, "see the cactus is fleshy and holds lot of water, and is now quenching the thirst of so many birds.."

    we assume that it is a waste plant, not realizing that even the thorny cactus can bloom and flower and those flowers are so beautiful and the smell carries to long distance. and nothing is a waste and everyone of us are good..only our yardsticks are different..

    Tell your son, he is a treasure, for many reasons, especially as he makes his grandparents happy by just being there for them and loving them.

    Well let the ppi continue....
     
    Last edited: Mar 24, 2016
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  6. WONDERLA

    WONDERLA New IL'ite

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    dear shanvy....thank you so much for the link
     
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  7. sangeethakripa

    sangeethakripa Gold IL'ite

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    Dear shanvy

    Thanks for the link and I bow to your vast experience in parenting. :) . Love the way you treat your kids. Lot to learn from you
     
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  8. swt.charu

    swt.charu Platinum IL'ite

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    Thank you @Shanvy

    loved the story....

    IL was out for just 3 days and it feels like months !! :)

    the latest topic at home these days is share the work at home so we all can enjoy instead of one person enjoying always and one person working always..

    I am encouraging DS to help me lay the table, clear the table after dinner, put things back it their places etc..

    he helps sometimes and doesn't most of the time...

    I just want to instill the basic concept of share the workload and not dump everything on one person
     
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  9. Shanvy

    Shanvy IL Hall of Fame

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    @sangeethakripa i stumbled and fumbled a lot ..just sharing what worked for me..not that is it is going to work for others.

    @swt.charu you are welcome..oh the family loves stories and verses..so most of the work is to bring out the right incident or story to talk about...my daughter tells me these days "amma you give me 101 reasons why is should stop judging or being angry with that persons.." you are not much fun.. my nudge is just telling them what could be the reasons that person could be acting that way. (i may not be happy with that person, but i try very very hard not to bring that into any equations around the kids:blush:)

    we had a discussion of chores for kids and we talked a lot ..it should here somewhere..

    chores is about team work. it is about being a team. the whole family working as a team so that all of us pitch in. take an example of whatever he loves.. maybe the washing machine story. tell him it would work fine only if there was electricity, water and detergent to clean the clothes..so only if all of this work as a team like will his washing machine be a success.. that in a team we watch out for each other...
    appreciate his help,even if he makes mistakes.. he will help..
     
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  10. Shanvy

    Shanvy IL Hall of Fame

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