Positive ideas to move on

SGBV · Dec 9, 2014

Since many of you know that I had a past terrible life with my in laws. But past is past. I have no regret that I had a bitter past. I have taken them all positively. I feel I have earned a degree that no universities could teach the lessons which I learned in my life.

They are very helpful, and they made me a very strong person now. Thanks to my in laws and their inferences.

However, not everyone takes it with the right spirit as I am. My mother is one good example, that she could no longer move on from this same past. Though the problems were all faced by me, she still struggle to forget and forgive my in laws.
Needless to say how much harder for her to trust them back, and let us move on.

I see, many members here who suffered the same as me. Let's join hands together to have some positive approach to move on from next year on wards.

Tell me the lessons that you learned from your problems?
How would you use them in the future to avoid further problems?
How do you find yourself after having gone through all this?
Any positive suggestions?

anushka9 · Dec 9, 2014

Hi OP,

I hv also suffered a lot but with help of this forum i have become more courageous!
I would say best thing to move on is stay happy in ur life.The ones who want to ruin ur happiness by their rude attitude will be left empty handed when they see u enjoying ur life with ur DH& parents.Dont let the negative opinions of others impact ur happiness.Happiness is a choice- Your Choice! We get to live once,why not enjoy this time and leave some good memories instead of worrying much about those IL's ( sorry no offence for good ones )

Above all thanks God for the wonderful life he has given to you plus giving all of us such lovely parents.What if our MIL's dont treat us in good ways,(try to ignore them,we cant make anyone love us & no need to please such people because whatever best u do they will pinpoint things in u for sure)
Moreover,we have our moms who will pamper us
I believe in karma,those who hurt u will eventually screw up themselves & if u r lucky God will let u watch.Dont expect anything from negative people.The more u expect the more u get hurt.Keep least expectations and maximum distance- Key to lead a Peaceful life.

Keep faith in God always & move on in life ...

SGBV · Dec 9, 2014

Thanks for your feedback. Yes, as you said... Staying happy itself a good punishment for those who wants to see you sad.

memeera1234 · Dec 9, 2014

I too had my share of issues with my in-laws. But now I have found a way. As they stay at native, I am barely in touch with them. My DH calls them on weekends and if at all they inquire abt me, I speak to them nicely but still being a little formal. Earlier I treated them as my own parents and suffered a lot. They evaded our space and poisoned my life. But I dont want it to be like that any more.. so I just talk upto the point, inquire abt them too and not divulge any unwanted details to them. I dont know if I should be saying this but for me my in-laws are dead.. I love my DH a lot and thats the only reason I am acting good.

blessed · Dec 10, 2014

Hi SGBV

If you have a large heart then may be you can forgive your in laws for all their
misdeeds but its is not easy to forget... at least for me..

I have faced maximum problems from my MIL and two older SILs though not physically present but would play their part by influencing my hubby and MIL through calls, DH was much younger than them so they treated him like a baby even after his marriage which had adverse effect on me and almost ruined by marriage.
My only hopes to continue my life there was my DD and my work ( I work from home for 4-5 hrs) I wanted to live a meaningful life for this I had to avoid these negative attitude people, but my In laws use to live with us so couldnt escape, so I tried not hear all the negative comments , avoid eye contacts with my MIL, did everything that would make me happy, mainly stopped complaining about them to my husband coz I knew it is not worth it, so I thought I should approach this in a different way....

the kind of life I lived when my MIL was alive...
1. Would cook everything very early and leave it on the table, never ask her suggestion or opinion, she has complained this to my DH, but he couldnt do much as he as to leave for office very early

2. Would talk to my good friends and sisters who would make me happy, the more I laugh and chat the more it use to annoy her.

3. Would go out of home when even I get a chance, it would be nice to meet other parents, discuss lots of good things about kids and their up bringing etc etc

4. Take good care of your self, I use to dress decently well even I am at home, once in a while visit beauty parlours for facial, pedicure,etc which relaxes your mind and keeps u happy.

Now present... MIL is no more, totally stopped contact with my two SIL's except wishing them on their birthdays and anniversaries, other than that no further discussions on any matter.

Many incidents will remind me of my MIL's mean tactics, her piercing words, I try not think of them but I recollect them even without my knowledge, so I just smile and say " its all over"

SGBV · Dec 10, 2014

Never. We can't forget the past horrible days till our last breath. I even wont advice for forgetting, because such memories will always help you with your future relationships.

Also, you can't forgive someone unless the forgiveness is asked for. I couldnt have forgiven my in laws if they haven't asked for it. Even after that, I had taken a year to understand their apology is for real and not another trick to trap me. Even today, I can't trust them fully. But with time, with their efforts and the new happenings of life, I am forgiving them slowly.

My advice here is not about past issues.. Lets find some positive approaches to move on instead of sticking to the past.

ars · Dec 12, 2014

You have two options in moving on after people hurt you.
Forgiving plays an important part in both ways.
One you completely disconnect the relationship and live your life. This might have adverse effects on mental and emotional health of all parties involved.
Second, you maintain the relationship but learn from past experiences. Know when and how to draw the line so the bullying or drama creating person can't take you for a ride again

gauridinesh · Dec 12, 2014

i CANNOT forgive my MIL, for that matter my husband too. I wont even try.
I CANNOT forget , because that would make me lower my guards and if I lower my guards , I will surely get hit and injured.
What I do is try not to 'get drowned' in my hatred . Neither MIL nor Husband have ever apologized. For that matter they have never even admitted that they did something wrong. I have never confronted them for an apology too. But I believe in Karma. I have seen it happen. So I BELIEVE strongly that one day they will realize how much they have hurt me.

But I am thankful that they put me through it, because it showed me their real faces.
It taught me that I should not take any relationship for granted. It taught me that I need to be strong.
Earlier, my knees would literally and figuratively shiver whenever my MIL told me to do something. I was week to resist and I would obey like a subdued puppy. After the bad days, I am stronger. I have realised that no one else will talk for me. I am stern and stand my ground with MIL when she tries to order me around or give her 'backhand' taunts. She understands that something has changed inside me so she also is careful and in a small way a little scared of me.
I have understood that what these people think of me has no value. So I am thankful for the lesson.