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plz help me to reduce my tension

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by mrs.noushad, Feb 3, 2008.

  1. mrs.noushad

    mrs.noushad New IL'ite

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    Hi all
    'm new to this site...nd found really interesting.... I want ur help.....

    I'm settled in dubai,was living happily with my hus and 2 kids(2.5yrs & 1yr old).From last dec onwards my mom in law is also staying with us.
    At first everything was going fine(for 1 week oly),now she has become a headache to me.my hus go to office at 7:30 am and 'll return at oly 7 pm.we used to go out oly on fridays..but now she is always saying irritative comments about this....she dont like to eat from outside....always say comments about my house keeping(though my room'll be always neat) etc etc etc...Evenif my hus ignores her and decide to go out,she 'll start shouting and call him henpecked husband nd all...Whenever we go out,after shouting nd all she will also come with us and will look whether he is buying anything for me or my kids...and if he buys.....starts screwing him saying that "in india it costs oly this....why spending this much here?????" even if he buy a socks for my kids also she start saying "there is already no space in the cupboard,always buying dresses etc etc ect".last week i gave 2 materials for stiching and she started saying"you r spenging money unnecessarily...only coz my son is working......you don't have any sympathy to him neither you give any value for his hardship...and so on"
    ('m not writing the whole thing)
    she used to call her daughter everyday....(they are back in india)..at that time money doesn't matters....if my hus buy anything for her.....she is very much happy...there also money doesn't matters......

    Dear all
    i'm really fed up with all this.... my parent are back in india and here in dubai ,i have no place to go and stay atleast 1 day away from her..... Now a days i always feel like a big stone kept on my chest......don't know wat to do......always tensed.... My hus is really a loving and caring person,but he usually comes very much tired and sleep very fast...no time to even talk (we usually talk over telephone during his office hours....but now that also blocked by my mil)...plz give me some advice to reduce my mental tension....plz....
     
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  2. SoaringSpirit

    SoaringSpirit Silver IL'ite

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    Dear Mrs. Noushad,

    I can imagine the daily stress you must be undergoing. You need some relief from this for sure otherwise the strain will start showing in unwanted places like on relationship with your husband or your behavior with the kids.

    One question, how is your husband handling the situation so far?

    What you are experiencing is unfortunately quite common in most households! Most households have this issue with mils feeling very possessive about their son and his money and feeling competitive towards their dil. I am not saying it is the mil’s fault alone. But whatever be the case, it is a very common scenario in most households. So hopefully knowing this itself makes you feel a little relived! J

    Now for some suggestions on how you can deal with it.

    My first and foremost advice to you will be to toughen up. Gather all the courage and strength you have. With people who are tough to deal with, you have to become tough in handling them. From your post it seems like your mil is always bickering about almost everything.

    You need to start speaking up. Don’t keep quiet and listen to her constant bickering. During the day when you are home with her, answer her back, albeit in a nice way, when she starts saying things about your housekeeping, shopping, clothes etc. Remember to not lose your cool. Speak nicely and clearly. Tell her that you think you do a great job at keeping the house. Ask nicely, why does she think otherwise? Put her on the spot. Similarly if she starts giving you a lecture on the number of clothes you have, tell her (nicely again!) that this is your age to dress up and you like dressing up well. In all of this, remember to have a nice/calm tone and remember to just say 1or 2 sentences. Don’t provide too much explanation. The shorter you keep it, the better it is. Also, don’t answer her back every single time either. Sometimes just ignore her and do what you think is good anyway. Let her keep complaining.

    The goal in answering her back is not to pick a fight with her or argue with her or disrespect her but to let her know that certain things she says are unreasonable and you don't like them.

    And remember not to get your husband into this. This is between you and her so keep it that way.

    Secondly, find a way to spend some quality time alone with hubby. Why can you not talk to your hubby on the phone during the day? Make it happen. Use a cell phone to call him. Take an extra long shower and talk to him from there! I know this sounds crazy but you got to do what you got to do. Neither you nor hubby has to mention it to her that you talk. It is between husband and wife. I guess your hubby also knows by now how his mom is.

    Other than that, spend good time with your husband and kids. Don’t let your mil impact your sanity and peace of mind. Tackle that separately and directly with her. Keep it away from your relationship with your husband.

    This is your house, your family and your sanity that you are worried about. So you are in charge of making things happen and veering them in the right direction. You have so many good things going for you – loving husband, wonderful kids. Mil is just a small part of the whole equation. Don’t let this small not-so-nice part spoil the other great things in your life. Take things in your hands. In every single household, this is a woman’s battle and the end result is her victory or her loss. So don’t shy away from fighting your battle.

    Just like you think it is your responsibility to be a good mom to the kids, a good spouse to your husband, so is it every bit your responsibility to make things right in your house. Once you take charge you will start seeing the wonders it does in improving your situation.

    Good luck. You will do just fine. Feel free to vent out or ask for more ideas. We are always here.
    SS


     
    Last edited: Feb 7, 2008
  3. Shilpa77

    Shilpa77 Senior IL'ite

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    SS,

    I always believe that communication is not what you say but how you say it...

    Very clear ,impressive response!. Are you a phsycologist ( excuse my spelling !)?.. Seriously, i'm into quite a few discussion forums and haven't seen someone's response being so intense, expressive , detail oriented and motivating!!..

    I have inferred one thing from you posts - There is healthy solution to everything!..

    You know, after i read your post, just was thinking ' who takes so much initiative to provide just words of moral support'?..

    Are you a writer?.. I'm curious to know.. sorry!!

    Noushad - I'm not sure if this will practically work for you, but defenitely make you feel better!!.. Good luck!!
     
  4. SoaringSpirit

    SoaringSpirit Silver IL'ite

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    Dear Shilpa,

    Thank you for the generous compliments!

    Hey, I am no shrink neither I am a writer :). I am an Engineer by profession.

    I do absolutely love anything that is people related- talking to them, meeting them, getting in touch with them, having fun together. I really enjoy the interaction with people from the bottom of my heart.

    It means a lot to me if someone from my fraternity can benefit in any way from what I write.

    Thank you so much once again.
    SS

     

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