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Pls Suggest I Am Confused

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by iman, Jun 18, 2020.

  1. iman

    iman Senior IL'ite

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    First let me tell about myself. I am 45 years .Presently i am living in Dubai living here 15 years immediately next month i moved here from India. Ours is second mariage . I am still childless and my husband (divorce) has.two.kids from previous marriage.. one son now.22 years now living and doing business with father. .
    Since starting i was craving for.love security nothing i found till now . He is domimating control freak. But as till now. I didnt get courage.to speak.and never demand anything. Now its become normal for me and i think all relations between couples will be like.this. He is v.bad tempered but now it seems.normal to me. and now only with his hand gesture i understands what he wants. I.kept maid.for cleaning. Other basic food, shelter ,friends with relatives its all normal. He never shared anything mentally financially phsically with me. As i am bearing all.my expenses and i didnt ask also due to my self respect. Since many years we had no physical relations and intimacy also. I have.these.things but to.whom.i share.with ? If i.ask.or say anything he became angry and becomes offensive and turn.the things cleverly so i forgot what actually the topic was for!! My sister she knows all matter but she is.spritual and family person always speaks positive words listens and sympathise with me , send quotes and again days comes.and goes like this its 15 years passed. Now his son grown up he joined i dont have any issue only changes i found is food and kitchen time is increased. Now after 15 years recenly I found one shocking unbelievable.secret in his mobile. He has.many girl.friends affairs. and 2 ladies i know thats his friends.wife.only from our city when i read all i litterly became.faint. i think.how.fool i am . I have taken snapshots and now proof i have to show to this world. But i am still afraid to take any step . I cried also for many days and shared with my sister who is spritual again make me feel strong for the time being.
    But in practically pls.friends.advice me what should i do ?? What are your views . What is correct and not ? I have all proofs with me and if i want in a second i can ruin by reveal all his secrets to society his relatives and those two ladies who are also cheating their partner and kids. Now practically what should i do. I am suffering inside as i dont know what is right and wrong ? If you were.in my place what step you would take ?
     
    Last edited: Jun 18, 2020
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  2. shama146

    shama146 Gold IL'ite

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    Dear OP,
    First tell me if you divorce this person, will you be able to support yourself. If yes, without thinking twice get out.
    See you don't have any kids, that's a blessing in disguise. If you can support yourself, file for divorce and show his true colours to everyone. He has to pay for his EMA's. If there are financial constraints, then first be self independent and plan your exit. Don't be a slave to this moron.
     
    iman likes this.
  3. iman

    iman Senior IL'ite

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  4. iman

    iman Senior IL'ite

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    Dear Shama146, thank you for taking your time and reply I saved enough amount from my salary. And i can get job easily in India due to my experience easy nature. Still why i feel pity for him shama might be i spent many years with him.
     
  5. Angela123

    Angela123 Gold IL'ite

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    I second shama. I am never an advocate for divorce when it comes to marital problems, but here, look at the bigger picture and life so far. You are married - but no intimacy, he won't care for you, financially or emotionally, and he has affairs (multiple!!). Looks like he is manipulative, and no one has to suffer like this. From what you have written you sound like a soft spoken submissive person. Most manipulative people prey on and live on such soft spoken obedient people. I am making my assumptions and a judgement based on what you have written here. It would be for a better life of you divorce him, because you are already living life of a single woman, and doing chores for them !! Alos, remember, you will have to confront him with the divorce and reasons if you proceed to do so. So be prepared for that and don't be afraid to speak up. Your priority should be getting the divorce and peace from him rather than making him look bad in front of society.
     
    ImHuman, iman and KashmirFlower like this.
  6. KashmirFlower

    KashmirFlower IL Hall of Fame

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    Correct, exposing all of them to society, gets nothing for you. Leave them for their karma and you focus what is needed, in separation or divorce. court may consider his EMA's and your trauma, because of that, may ask some compensation financially, he is not going to get any punishment for that.
     
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  7. iman

    iman Senior IL'ite

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    Thanks Angela and Kashmirflower for your both input . Its.really v.important to take action. Yes i am submissive to keep peace and for society sake. Its my upbringing to avoid fight and thought due to goodness and poaitivity he will improve but no i was wrong 15 years passed he is enjoying his life outside. Thanks again both of you.
     
    Angela123 likes this.
  8. harithab

    harithab Silver IL'ite

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    Hi Iman,

    First of all hugs to u to open up about ur worries and concerns. Feeling so sorry for ur situation !!!
    In the present scenario, Talk openly to ur husband straight away (with all proofs) rather than through a third person.

    Have u ever tried to convey ur concerns to ur inlaws other than ur own sister ?
    Have u tried to explain openly about ur concerns U have been facing since last 15 years to ur hubby or any of ur trustable common friend or relative or to a family counselor ? :confundio1::confundio1:
    Was it a mutual agreement to have no child of ur own ?

    Think very well before u make any final decision. Its easy to say no and get out of a relation, this is ur second marriage too.
    Dont lose ur self respect, be bold.:innocent:
    If u have financial support for urself and ur own house to live , I think U can take ur own decision IF NO OTHER OPTIONS work for u.
    Invest ur time and effort on what you like and love...

    Stay safe.
    God Bless U sister. :blush:
     
    iman likes this.
  9. swiss

    swiss Gold IL'ite

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    Since her husband seem to manipulative and anger issues i would be wary of speaking to him alone and showing him the proof. Not sure how these guys behave when confronted. Please talk to him only in front of trusted people or if you are sure of your safety. Plan your finances and exit strategy before talking in case he turns mean.
     
  10. DDream

    DDream Platinum IL'ite

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    First of all copy all your evidence ( is it physical affair or emotional) to another secret email or account, he is not aware of. If he get hold your mobile and delete it,it will be gone. If you are done with this marriage, then take a printout of the evidence and talk to him. Tell him you want mutual divorce ( thats fast) if not you will reveal it to others and file for divorce with EMA as the reason. Tell him all the evidence is safe in lawyers custody.

    Anyway decision is yours. He is simply using you as maid. You can decide whether to continue as maid or live as a single woman with self respect. If it was a great marriage, it would have been so difficult to leave as its second marriage. But he is not even treating you life a wife. That's sad.

    Dont take any emotional decisions. Take your own time, secure your life and finances, then involve any senior person to be there with you when you talk if you are afraid. Else you can talk to him if you think that's the best . Plan well and execute it only when you are ready to separate.

    If I am in your place, once I exit, I will definitely inform the husbands of the women involved. They help to cheat you. Also inform dear and near ones on what happened. If he keep silence and do it amicably, that's good,but he attempt to blame you, no need to protect image. But if your plan is to continue, then you can inform those husbands anonymously. Anyway, do what's best for you
     
    Last edited: Jun 19, 2020

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