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Pls Share Your Opinion.. Very Urgent

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by shama146, May 20, 2020.

  1. shama146

    shama146 Gold IL'ite

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    Hi all,
    Here I am back after a long time. Pls bear as it's going to be a long post.
    Married for 8 years in an emotionally abusive marriage. Passed these 8 years as I mostly live in my parents house, coz my H has a transferable job. Only go to live with him for few days every month. I have two Kids aged 3 and 6. He is very negative, controlling and severe anger issues. When I was in my second year of marriage I seperated contemplating divorce. But after few months we patched up.

    He has no control over his anger and now it is directed towards our DD aged 6. She can sense everything and doesn't have an iota of love for him. They have never seen me crying, and in these lockdown times, his anger had escalated. They shiver when they see him shouting.
    He has no social life, no hobbies, never taken for any vacation. Always emits negative energy, too egotistic.
    His positive being good provider and helps with household chores at times.
    Though I am financially dependant on him, I have a good support system from my parents. My elder brother and sister are also very caring and supportive. I have my own house at my parents place.

    Friends now I don't want to live with this man. I have conveyed him the same. He begs to be forgiven and doesn't want to leave me. This is his old style of convincing me. Pls show me the correct path. What should I do ?
     
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  2. ImHuman

    ImHuman Bronze IL'ite

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    You said you just live for a few days in a month..So you and kids are escaping his anger for most of time. If you do not want to live with him even for those few days .. make some other arrangements like just meeting for lunch dates along with kids like that.. I think this is how separated people do co parenting. Does he agree for that? Did he try to work on his anger issues?If he is begging you not to leave him he will have to work on his anger issues and keep you happy.
     
    Last edited: May 20, 2020
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  3. Angela123

    Angela123 Gold IL'ite

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    Few questions for you:

    Do you love him at all? In a marriage, first and foremost, the importance is for the spouse. Both partners work together and deal with other issues, parenting, financial situation, relationship obstacles.There is no one person does it all. So if you do not love him, even if you forgive and decide to give it a try, there is no foundation for your life to build on. Think hard before making a decision.

    Looks like most of the problems stems from his anger issues. If you think you want to give this relationship another try, ask him these things -
    Is he ready to work on his anger issues? See a therapist or counselor or someone who can help?
    A relationship to work, it needs efforts from both sides. I am not saying you are not trying, may be you can try something different you havent tried before.

    No matter how angry he is, he should not let it out on a child. We all snap at children at some point, but you are the mother, you know snapping and anger issues. So he shouldn't be doing that to a child, by all means you should prevent that. If he cannot control his anger in front of the child or towards her, he should be the one leaving the scene. Is he ready for that until he calms down? Kids needs a nurturing home. not a place they are threatened by a parent. It is abuse.

    These are not quick fixes. When it comes to a relationship, there is no such thing. It might not be easy for your husband to control his anger right away, but working together with him, you might be able to find someways to control it.He will need it if he is co parenting whether you guys are separated, divorced or stay married.

    Now if you are going to get divorced, it is whole another world. First thing to do would be to be financially independent. You will still have to deal most of the above including the financial situation.
     
  4. winterhue

    winterhue Silver IL'ite

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    Imagine the point of view of your kid - if they shake and cry by the very presence of someone, imagine the trauma. As a mother, your main duty is to first and foremost protect your kids. When they grow up, what impact is it going to have on them? They see their father having angry outbursts, dont you think it will affect their personality too?

    You have given a chance already and he didnt improve. If you are giving him another chance, it has to be with strict boundaries. You NEED him to show you that he has improved. If not , you are gambling with your kids future and mental health.

    The good thing is that you have your parents and family support - so discuss with them,rope them in and make a plan.
     
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  5. AppuMom

    AppuMom Silver IL'ite

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    Protect your kids.Dont let anyone abuse you or your kids even iftif are good providers financially.Talk to your parents and get their emotional support. Give him a final warning and escape from this misery.You and your kids need a peaceful life.take care
     
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  6. joylokhi

    joylokhi Platinum IL'ite

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    A marriage where you are most of the time away from your spouse with kids, i feel has a very weak base, even in the best of situations. I have not read your earlier posts if any, so with the little background provided , the basic issues which trigger your husbands anger and frustration is not clear. Seeing that it is already more than 8 years into the marriage, I am sure you would have tried your best to bring peace and quiet. However, try to see what exactly is the issue from his point of view. You can give him an ultimatum saying because his anger issues are creating fear and dislike in your children too, you prefer to separate unless he agrees to go for counselling immediately, and is really sincere about wanting to make the marriage work. I hope that the marriage should work for the good of you and your children. All the best, take care
     
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  7. Laks09

    Laks09 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    What should I do is something that’s stumped me so many times. These days, I always ask myself, what would I want my DD to do in a similar situation? I do factor that in especially while dealing with difficult people. Ask yourself what you would want your DD to do in such a situation. You are her first role model so model your behavior on how you want her to let herself be treated.
     
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  8. shama146

    shama146 Gold IL'ite

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    Thanks for your replies. I don't think I love him anymore. I feel more happy when I am at my parents place. Actually there's no reason for his anger. One never knows what small things will result in his anger outbursts. I don't think there are any good counsellors in Indian towns.
    Had I being financially independent I would have kicked him long back. My DD goes to a very expensive school. Son is yet to be admitted. Only looking after their educational expenses in future, I am unable to take any decision. Also worry about custody issues.
    One thing is for sure, his nature won't change. You can never straighten a dog's tail.

    His controlling nature is the one which suffocates the most. Totally confused....
     
  9. ProudIndian

    ProudIndian Gold IL'ite

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    If your kid is shivering with fear you should separate from husband as soon as possible. It’s not good to stay in that environment. Your husband will have to pay for kids school and basic expenses. You will start working once your younger kid starts school. Everything will fall in place once you build courage. If you wait for years it may affect your kids personality permanently. Living in safe loving environment is much better than going to expensive school. Imagine if u had to grow up with father who is like your husband and went to expensive school, what would u choose? Happy stress free childhood or material stuff?
     
    Last edited: May 21, 2020
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  10. DDream

    DDream Platinum IL'ite

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    No one can suggest what you should do. You are the best judge of your situation.

    I believe its better to be a happy single parent than being sad in an abusive, loveless marriage. But you should be financially and emotionally independent to face life as a single parent. Not sure if ailmony alone can help. I hope you will be able to find a job.

    Abuse can damage your kids mental and emotional state. Its very important to protect them. Tell him very clearly that you can't accept his anger towards kids.

    It's up to you to give an another chance. Only you can decide. Atleast you will have the satisfaction that you tried your level best to save marriage If so, set the boundary and conditions ( write it down) and ask him to attend counseling ( yes, there are good counselors in India, but need to really search for them. You can attend a few sessions and see if it's good. Then ask husband for joint counseling). Make him aware that you will walk away if he break these conditions and file divorce. If you decide to go back, make sure he attended counseling. He should learn about the damage that can happen to kids through his anger outbursts. But take your own time, not so soon.

    Also ask him to attend anger management courses and do a health check including blood work. It may not be a reason here,but sometimes, thyroid issues can lead to severe irritation & anger for no reason.
     
    Last edited: May 21, 2020
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