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pls help me

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by hd131, Mar 8, 2010.

  1. hd131

    hd131 New IL'ite

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    hi
    i married with kid of 1.5 yrs. ours was happy marriage life till the my duaghter was born. i don't know suddenly wht happened to him.he slleps in different room saying tht baby wakes up in night and disturbs his sleep.so i thought it's k as he has to for work. so i told him to sleep with us(baby and me) during weekends. he agreed for tht but never did that, for everything from grocery to baby i have to tell him again and again. are we(myself and baby) not part of his family? he just neglects us like anything.
    recently one girl joined with in car tiil to office, he try to comparre always with me .he just blames me u r fat lady..even i tried reduce my weight i lost 10 kgs in 5 months..
    i'm bugged up. sometimes i think is he cheating on me?..
    please i'm going into depression..
    please wht i've to do..
    every time i try to talk it becomes and big argument at the end he he says he is perfectionist simply i'm doubting on him...
    how to solve this?
     
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  2. Tridev

    Tridev Silver IL'ite

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    Why does the other lady ride the car with him? is it car pool? is it that she cannot drive? if so then it may be a different issue. It looks your husband is losing interest in you, does he love the baby otherwise? I mean kiss, hug, play ,etc? if not than the problem is very big. However I doubt if there is anyone who would just not love a small baby at all.
     
  3. SriVidya75

    SriVidya75 Platinum IL'ite

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    HD

    You said your husbands behaviour changed, after the birth of the baby. So is this girl who joined car pooling was there since that time? i.e since the birth of your baby? or did this carpooling thing happened recently.

    First of all try to handle things wtih him. Dont be suspicious about other things or surrounding influences.

    Time for you to start self grooming and also spend time with your husband. Either let your neighbours or friends baby sit your kid for few hours once in a week or so (offer to do the same to them too) and use that time off from kid to rekindle your relationship with your husband.

    Make some nice romantic dinner. Sit with him talk about his office, friends and everything that he wants to chat about. What were his interests after marriage, what did he like in you before? wear his fav. saree or perfume or make his fav meal.

    You have to try to get back to be charming and playful and flirty...baby is the symbol of both of your love and affection but at the same time the playfulness in the couple shouldnt stop there (I understand with so much of work around the house its tough to do all tehse) but try to manage to spend more time with him and giving him more attention.

    When he compares you with that office girl , you can just smile n say yeah I agree however any woman would put on few pounds during pregnancy and it takes time to go back to the original shape. Motherhood is very demanding and tiring job...just tell him softly and leave it there. Dont get offended or feel jealous (if not he woul duse this topic to make you look down..) if you gracefully accept and answer, he would understand your point that you are not intimidated about your own body and looks.

    Talking and accusing are 2 diff. things. Talking is just putting your point across with out pointing faults of the other person...Accusing is pointing faults...name calling..you did this..you said this kind of words..so ask yourself what were you doing? talking/accusing..

    After a baby is born, there would be a distance usually b/w the wife n husband due to added responsibilities and work and stress...however first of all along with taking care of the baby, you have to take care of yourself and plunge back into your normal marital life with your husband...think about it and work on it..dont be upset everything will be all right..for some they get along quickly with all these issues..for some it takes time
     
  4. guesshoo

    guesshoo IL Hall of Fame

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    Hi hd,

    I totally agree with the suggestions Srividya has given.

    Please understand that just because your husband calls your unflattering names, you are NOT that. Our bodies undergo a lot of changes during pregnancy; it is not unacceptable for the father of the child to say such things. Being a perfectionist is not an excuse to make you feel bad. If he is a perfectionist, how come he is neither a perfect husband nor a perfect father?

    Beauty is something that radiates from inside. I think it is great that you have worked towards reducing your weight and have reduced 10 kg in 5 months. Well done!

    I am concerned that your self-esteem might have taken a hit. I sincerely suggest that you try to get a few hours of counseling. If you feel comfortable with your gynecologist, see if you can have a chat with her. She/ he might be able to suggest a therapist for you.

    Believe me, working on getting my self-esteem was the best thing I ever did. It felt like a new lease of life since I am able to look at everything differently and communicate both my needs and disappointments properly.

    I sincerely hope you do feel good about yourself soon, my dear.
     
  5. asuitablegirl

    asuitablegirl Gold IL'ite

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    Keep your baby in her own room or the living room. Sleep in the same room as your husband. Only after coming to this forum had I ever heard of babies sleeping in the same room as their parents. Get a baby monitor or something so you can hear or see what's going on in the other room, but I think it's dumb to keep doing something you obviously know is causing tension at home.

    About the office lady, the other ILites already gave good suggestions.
     
  6. BeeAmma

    BeeAmma Silver IL'ite

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    Hi there,

    Sounds like you have 2 babies on your hands. Your toddler and your husband. Childbirth brings great changes and the first couple of years demand adjustments to make things work.
    Your husband feels neglected and is reacting to the competition for your affections. Can you get your toddler to sleep by 8PM so you can spend more time with your husband?
    Have you asked him if moving your baby to the next room will help with your intimacy issues?

    Different couples deal with the parenting issue differently. It is a very personal decision whether you want the baby to sleep with you or want to put it in its crib. Check Dr. Sears article on the topic http://www.askdrsears.com/html/7/T071000.asp.
     
    Last edited: Mar 9, 2010
  7. sridivya

    sridivya New IL'ite

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    hd131, about the baby part:

    hd131, Each couple's ideology about parenting is different. We value a pediatrician's opinion only on the clinical side and do not take his opinion in parenting our kids. Because so many times we have disagreed to what he said but listened to him and simply ignored. Like one time he advised us to leave our baby in the crib let our baby cry it out because we explained to him that baby would not sleep without rocking her. That shocked the **** out of us and then dh said what the big deal? We can rock her every night before we put her in crib, SHE IS NOT GOING TO BE LIKE THIS EVEN WHEN SHE IS GOING TO COLLEGE???.......:rotfl:rotfl
    We could not bear the poor baby crying all alone in his crib struggling to fall asleep while all that she needed was a little cuddling and rocking.
    The doctor advised me to put the baby in the other room either her bedroom or any other room when she was 4 months old baby. Neither I nor my dh had the heart to do it. We bought a cute small crib for her and put it besides our bed so I could check on the baby during middle of the night and also feed her and put her back since dh had this habit of throwing his legs and hands spread out too much so as to cover the whole bed. I had to push him atleast 4 times during the whole night and did not want the baby crushed under his leg/hand.
    And also we did not miss out on the sex part too becos of the baby.
    We slowly took our time in training our kid to sleep in her room but we did it very patiently.
    So, find a middle ground on your issue and all will be fine.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 9, 2010
  8. asuitablegirl

    asuitablegirl Gold IL'ite

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    The doctor was right. Unless of course you are interested in becoming a slave to your toddler. A crying baby soon turns into a crying infant who soon becomes a crying toddler... see the pattern? Reality is, sometimes babies cry just to cry. By rewarding them for making loud noises and crying, you are reinforcing negative behavior. My mom used to rock me a bit before placing me in my crib, and if I cried, she'd check to make sure I didn't have a dirty diaper or was hungry... but after that, she let me cry. Guess how much I cried and threw temper tantrums as a kid? I didn't. She did the same thing (upon Dr's advice to my brother). Guess how much he screamed and carried on? He didn't. We both learned that there were better ways to get moms attention than crying and making a fuss. Now my mom is baby sitting for a new couple with a baby, and every time the baby crys, the mom runs to it and rocks it cuddles it etc. Now the baby is a couple of years old, and she is soooooo bad and misbehaved, they can't even take her out to a restaurant without her causing mayhem. Something to think about.

    Also, doctor's often advise new parents to let the baby cry... because sometimes a baby's constant crying can push a person over the edge and make them snap enough to shake the baby... which can be deadly. No baby ever died from crying... yet many have died when parents became overly reactive and could not step back for even a moment.

    If the baby is sleeping, how would it know whether you are there in the same room or not? And if it cries when you wake up and you go to their crib... how does the baby know whether you have come to the crib from your bedroom or whether you were already in the room to begin with?


    Bottom line is, this weird baby-in-the-room phenomenon is placing a strain on your marriage, HD! Like I always tell other ladies who are living in different places from their husband... A COUPLE NEEDS TO LIVE TOGETHER. And in your case I will add.... A COUPLE NEEDS TO SLEEP TOGETHER, IN THE SAME ROOM, UNINTERUPTED!
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 10, 2010
  9. sridivya

    sridivya New IL'ite

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    I am SORRY but the doctor's theory proved WRONG.....in our case atleast.
    Because my dd turned out as a toddler who could get along with her peers very well and I don't remember any temper tantrums that really made us sit and worry to the extent you say here. She had a happy toddler hood and now at 10 she is very friendly with peers and helpful to her parents. In fact coincidentally I can tell you what happened couple of days back, Saturday my friend commented on how my dd's matured way of dealing with my friend's own dd's attitude surprised her.



    I remember having said .....dh and I did not have the heart to put an infant all by herself in another room?? Did I say the baby will know or not know or whatever you say here???

    Let me tell one thing here.....this is pure generalization and don't think it serves the OP's purpose anyways.


    I think that comment on western upbringing by malavika for whatever reason only confuses others and quite irrelevant here.......JMO...:)
     
    Last edited: Mar 9, 2010
  10. asuitablegirl

    asuitablegirl Gold IL'ite

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    Ok, well I'm glad for you then! But for many parents who are overly coddling of their kids, it turns into a mess. As you may or may not know, I don't have kids yet, so I'm really not the authority on kids or baby care. I was just passing along the observations of my mom and my own experiences with a couple of young kids we know, as well as some tv episodes of 'super nanny'. :)

    No, it just seems there's been several topics in this forum where the issue seemed to start when the baby slept in the same room as the parents. If the OP's marriage is going down hill because they no longer have their privacy or quiet time together... what is wrong in suggesting that the baby sleep in a different room? I really don't get why this is such an issue! A year from now the baby won't even remember where it slept, but small damages to a marriage can have effects way into the future.

    Because I think a lot of time in the 'west', the individual is put before the 'couple', and so when both parties want different things, they might be too stubborn to compromise, or too hell bent on pursuing their own paths. Basically, I've seen a lot of western couples meet as individuals, get married... but stay individuals. Also, I think people in the west (myself included :)) are used to instant gratification... expecting good things to come quick, and problems to be solved quicker. Many people in the west also have cushy upbringings, cushy jobs, so when they experience some uncushy marital problems, it sometimes sends them for a loop. There also seems to be a somewhat popular ideology in the west that personal 'differences' in a couple are bad... like lot of couples think 'I like sushi, poodles, and horror movies... my spouse must like that stuff too!' and then when normal differences arise, they feel like they are not compatible, whereas they really are, they just need to have some understanding and appreciate the differences. And of course there's the usual... got married too early and grew into different people, abuse, cheating, etc.

    By and large, Indian woman are good at compromising, and Indian men seem willing to stick to the marriage because that's what a marriage is about. But even though the marriages are lasting, MANY don't seem very happy. And from what I've noticed, parental interference and the too early birth of a child (before a couple gets to know each other) are two of the MAJOR issues in Indian marriages. So if Indians could minimize these issues... they could be like, the world's super couples. JMO! :)
     

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