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pls help ...i am not happy

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Ishita1031, Feb 7, 2008.

  1. Ishita1031

    Ishita1031 New IL'ite

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    i am married for almost 2 yrs ... i am 20 yrs and i have a opposite nature husband . we both are from completely different backgrounds . i love modren lifestly and he is completely simple n is not interested in music movies clothes etc etc...and doesnt even know to speak english. i really feel bad abt it. up of all this his family is also too typical and old type. i feel very alone. its like i am in a golden cage. my sil is very dominating. i want to be successful in my life but lack courage and confidence. there is nothing that makes me happy frm inside. my mil is quiet ok but she has got extreme nature. she wants me to clean 10 ppls clothes , vessels n clean whole home. ii cook 10 ppls food everyday n i hate all this stupid work whr u dont get anything out of it. she spoilt my hubbys childhood by ignoring thr education n giving more importance to household work. she has got very old thinking. i feel so bugged up. i swear. i dont feel intrested in anything. plsssssssssssssss help!!!
     
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  2. Meeta

    Meeta Bronze IL'ite

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    Hi Dear,
    Is it a love or an arranged marriage......if its a love one then you are sick that you are complaining now as it is expected that in any love marriage couple knew something abt others.......
    But if it's an arranged one, then even it's too early for you to get married, just 18 years.....so, where was your education that time......why didn't you see these things that time.......ask your parents why did they chose that boy for you......from this, I can say that you are not also from a good background........that's why your parents choose that guy and married you off at the tender age of 18.......
    Dear girl........many people even in USA are unable to speak English......it's not a sin....so, nothing to feel ashamed of......if he is in business, he might not have felt the requirement of talking in English.......so, if you want him to be good in English, ask him to join some English speaking courses.......
    About your MIL asking you to do many things.......if you are tired, ask her to keep a maid or tell her frankly that you are too young to do so many tasks.......if she is really OK, take her into confidence......and tell her abt your desires in your life and try to fulfill them if they are related to education/work anything of that sort.........
    Don't always feel bad abt your hubby........it will detach you from him emotionally and then physically.......talk to him and tell him your fear/shame.........and stop expecting something beyond your reach.......expect something that you can do/change.......OK....Cheer up and act like a lady.........
     
  3. SoaringSpirit

    SoaringSpirit Silver IL'ite

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    Dear Ishita,

    I have been meaning to reply to your post for long. I can understand your unhappiness. You seem panicked right now.

    Firstly, I must admit that I am a little surprised as to how you got married to your husband when there were such apparent differences between the two of you and between your families. Before getting married, did you not have any inkling about at least some of the obvious differences? The reason I ask this is because my suggestion will be influenced by whether you got into this knowingly or if it was a complete surprise for you.

    If you knew some of the disparities between the two of you and your families and you still got into this, then you must have a reason for it. What was the reason (or were the reasons) because of which you agreed to marry this guy in spite of knowing how different you both are from each other? Please revisit those reasons and see if they still hold true. Did you like something in particular about him that made you say yes to this marriage? Or was it the family riches that attracted you? What was it? You will have to re-evaluate if any of those reasons still hold true. If they do hold true then you have to strengthen those reason for which you married him and on the side start improving on the ones that you were not prepared for.

    If you got into this marriage not knowing any of the differences and you feel like you have been cheated (not by them) but generally in life, then you must think if you want to continue with this marriage. I did not see any mention of you and your husband sharing a loving or good relationship. Do you love your husband? Do you feel like there are some good things in him that you really admire? If you have nothing for him - love, respect, care, admiration, none of it; then you are probably not going to be happy with him. So please focus on finding first whether there is anything about him that you really like.

    I am not talking about the in-laws yet. In my opinion, you can work things out with anyone on the in-laws side if your relationship with your husband is good. After all he is the reason that you have in-laws in the first place. If you have no liking for him then there is no question about improving relationship with in-laws. Once you and husband strike a good partnership there are many ways to get to a peaceful equation with the in-laws.

    So why don’t we start here. For 4-5 weeks think only about the things you like in your husband. Observe him very carefully in everything he does and try to look for things that you like about him. It is human nature to quickly see the negative in a person. But to see the good in a person we really have to turn up all our senses to their fullest. Don’t think about the differences between the two of you or the negatives in him for these 4-5 weeks. Write down the things that you like about him. Keep reviewing your list and keep making additions, deletions and modifications to it. Revisit the list at the end of the 4<SUP>th</SUP> or the 5th week. Spend another few days listing down the negatives you see in him. Keep this list of positives and negatives in front of you and think about whether you want to stay in the marriage? Come to a conclusion about whether you want to have him as your life partner or not.

    Don’t think about your parents and sisters while coming to this conclusion. I firmly believe that we all come to this world with our own destiny that is given to us by God. No human being has the power to influence anyone else’s destiny. So don’t worry about how your sisters’ marriage will be impacted if you decided to leave your marriage.

    Once you have made up your mind that you do want to live with your husband then there are quite a few things you can do to slowly change things as per your liking. Of course, everything is not going to change but some of it will, over a period of time.

    But first you need to make this list and decide which way you want to go. Think only about how you feel about him. Your parents, his parents, your sisters, and his sister - all of this is secondary right now. First you need to be sure if he is the guy you want to spend the rest of your life with. So please do this exercise first. And please be extremely honest with yourself in evaluating this.

    We can then think of what can be the further course of action.

    Wish you all the best! Do write back if you have any ideas, queries etc. We are always here to help you.

    SS
     

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