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pls. advise hw to fight back financial dominance by hubby :(

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by magicstick, Jan 29, 2010.

  1. magicstick

    magicstick Junior IL'ite

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    Hello Friends..

    I m a new life at this forum. Hv gone thru couple of posts and hv observed really nice and decent replies. I appreciate your valuable contribution.

    Since this is going to be a good long post, kindly bear...

    Well, my concern is w.r.t my financial freedom with which I m deprived after my marriage.
    Lill’ abt myself – Married for last 4+ yrs, mom of 2 yrs. Baby, working and well earning, educated and self-dependent, living with ILs (who r like any other ILs – too interfering, least understanding and dominating)
    Mine is an arranged marriage that too hurried one wherein I didn’t enjoyed any courtship period. The entire marriage thing happened in span of just one month.
    Before marriage I used to manage and handle my funds my way. My parents never interfered. After 3-4 months of marriage, my hubby started asking me abt giving contri in expenses to which initially I denied but after arguments and fights of 1-2 months, I agreed and surrendered. Pls. note, he is earning double than me… so no financial crunches that ways. Me and him r poles apart in almost everything. I m more of a saving person and he is a spendthrift. He makes mind for anything he likes and simply go for it - despite of the fact that we need it or not, it will fit in our budget or not or will we be over-burdened. Initially things were very different. He hardly discussed anything with me w.r.t. financial matters. It was only me who was always trying to make him understand that we should divide our salaries as per our requirement and should keep a part for saving, expenses and lill bit as our pocket money so that we can plan in a better way for our future and can enjoy our present as well but he never gave an ear to me.
    Current scenario is like irrelevant of me earning well, I hardly left with very little money in hand every month as my pocket money – and that too under tight scrutiny of my hubby as where I m spending it and he keeps on commenting on it that I need not to spend it on x,y z things, its wastage. At times, I feel so irritated and shattered & feels like quitting my job as I see no use of working so hard and getting nothing in return. I cannot fulfill any of my desire. Also he has never gifted me anything on any occasion. The only benefit I m getting out of my job is that I do not have to ask someone for giving me money for my basic needs. Thatz it!! I do not have any right to spend any money from my own hardly earned salary.
    Pls. guide how should I cope with it !!
     
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  2. Swasha

    Swasha Gold IL'ite

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    Hi,

    I can understand your situation. The best advise i can give it to you is...try to convince ur husband to take a property like house or land on ur name or ur kid's as a loan on ur salary...so that for you no need to give away money to ur husband...meanwhile u can spend it for ur own house...

    otherwise try to invest in gold every year by convincing ur husband that the value of gold will never drop.

    Hope these advises may be of any use.

    Swasha
     
  3. magicstick

    magicstick Junior IL'ite

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    thnx for quick reply dear

    I have treid all.
    • We are already paying 2 Home Loans and property is on my hubby's n FIL's name (apart from the home where we are living - its on my MIL's name)
    • we are paying car loan, car is on my name but I have no right to drive it (we hv 2 cars, i drive the old one)
    • i hv tried to invest in gold and last yr i did that but we had a MAJOR fight over it. Finally I gave up. He argumented with me that we have many other good places where we can invest.
    • He stops me if i wanna go for any kind of FDs, gold investments, LIC etc.... he fights giving silly reasons which are beyond my understand :bonk
    Pls suggest
     
  4. magicstick

    magicstick Junior IL'ite

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    some thing more to add

    we hv joint a/c where in i transfer all money after receiving salary. He had not even shared its id n p/w with me. 2 months back i confronted him badly and forced him to share it - which he finally did as i told him clearly that i m not going to transfer any money in joint a/c if he will nt do that.

    still, i donot do any transaction from our joint a/c except transfering money in it for expenses.
     
    Last edited: Jan 29, 2010
  5. Swasha

    Swasha Gold IL'ite

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    Hi,

    From your posts i came to know how much you are suffering. But ..financial freedom is very important for ladies...what if some thing happens in future..touch wood...but that there shud be some property on ur name. some how force him to change one of the house on ur name...i think in first step you should stop transfering money to the joint account...but we need to find reasons how to stop transfering.

    I am house wife... initially my DH was not concerned in sharing his salary and financial details...but after one year of my marriage...i fought with him for not sharing...i said it is minimum responsibility of a man to share with his wife...after that he has given me all powers..right now we both discuss in dealing the financial things in my house. most of the time i take care of all transactions.

    i will suggest u if something strikes my mind.
     
  6. Swasha

    Swasha Gold IL'ite

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    If ur husband really trusts u...he shud transfer one house on ur name...no point in paying loan for the house which is on ur FIL's name...ur husband,FIL and MIL have taken care of security by having houses on their name...u r the one left with out anything apart from ur son...fight to change the house on ur name.
     
  7. Drpreethis

    Drpreethis Gold IL'ite

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    First things first, DONT QUIT FROM YOUR JOB. Never.

    Instead learn to say NO when you HAVE to.

    Your hubby is wrong.. when he himself spends crazily and doesnt ask for opinions from you, he shouldnt be imposing the cut-spending rule on you !
    That is not fair. So, you simply turn tables now.

    Tell him, you dont buy - I dont buy. Period.

    Do not have joint account. If you must, do not transfer the entire amount to that account. Have the salary account that is in your name and leave the amount there. He can have access to it, when you are around. This much transparency is all that is deserved.

    You sit and work out how much your utilities go up to. What you need to pay towards it and what he does with his salary. YOU NEED TO KNOW. If he isnt willing to say, maybe you will stop becoming transparent too. He can decide.

    If he acts funny, maybe you would too so that he understands the pinch. Marriage is not just about the Husband OR Wife.. It is about Husband AND Wife. So, if he respects your presence, then he gets a respect too.

    You need to be a lot bold here to simply say, Sorry, this is all you can expect out of me, because of your bad behaviour ! It a'int difficult. It just needs courage and understanding that " No matter who respects you / your decisions in life, YOU DO ! "

    If you feel investing in Gold is a good one for now.. Go ahead. Dont listen to his tantrums and opinions. Because, any sane person around, would say, Gold investment is the safest for now. Just tell him firmly, Relax, I KNOW ! Dont all the time, talk to prove me wrong. Leave it to me to decide.

    If you arent going to do what feels right for you, then, no one can help you.
    You arent being any secretive about anything. But, if he is going to throw tantrums for every penny you spend, then you need to make him understand that " You have brains too " ! Hope you understand what I mean here.
     
  8. vimala1957

    vimala1957 Bronze IL'ite

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    I totally agree with Preeti's views. You must never leave your job and learn to say no to things which you feel you must not do.

    You have to stand up for yourself. Be bold and confident as you are not doing anything wrong or harming anyone.

    If you allow anyone to use you and your earnings, there will be no end to it.
     
    Last edited: Jan 29, 2010
  9. Nandshyam

    Nandshyam IL Hall of Fame

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    MagicStick,

    From your post, this is my opinion.

    I don't see any understanding in this relationship, which is the underlying problem that needs to be solved. All these financial matters will get resolved on it's own if you work on your personal issues first.

    Have you thought about why you need to fight terribly to get things done? Instead of fighting have you thought about having a mature adult conversation to figure out where the bottleneck is?

    You getting married in a jiffy and you both spent 4 years with 2 years baby and still u feel you are both poles apart is your problem I would say. If you knew that our marriage is going to happen in jet pace, you should have then taken your time and gotten to know who this person is before making major decisions, yeah? After 4 years, I don't feel right to point your partner's shortcomings, when you could have both come to a balance of how you can life a live adjusting,compromising with it. So don't chew about the past, whatever happened is happened. You never know what your future is going to be as well. So just think about the present moment and work on how you can make the best of it.

    Whether you both earn the same or not, should not be an issue here. Then it's not marriage, but it becomes a business deal, in my opinion. Also see the positive in your husband - He has good investments - couple of houses, cars and is taking care of the family and then in-between wants to enjoy his life. He is not an irresponsible guy, just that he is NOT like you.

    I agree that there should be transparency in financial matters which you say he did not do. Instead of having a huge fight about it, ask him why he feels insecure to share it with you. When you both are happy, why is that he feels the need to hold something back. Tell him, let's have transparency on both our finances. I know you have total independency in your way of handling finance, so would your husband. But when you start a committed life, you should come to some UNDERSTANDING, which you missed earlier I feel. Fighting or bickering about it will not help, may be it will take you past the current problem, but its not a permanent solution.

    Look into your life and see what you can do.. Financial worries is secondary.
     
    orion80 likes this.
  10. Tridev

    Tridev Silver IL'ite

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    Magicstick, no matter what, I personally salute women like you, the reason , is not that you suffer, but you do every thing to keep the family going and not just wait for a moment where one is ready to walk out , every now and then, yes there are women like that , who are ready to walk out for smallest reason....who pick fights, are ready to fight any time...

    There are two kind of women at least and may be more too, one who wants everything, irrespective how much they give in the marriage, they act selfish, jealous for their husbands proximity to his family, who will not be happy even if given expensive gifts, they will still have some or other complain

    The other type is you, who despite having all the right to spend your money is giving in for the sake of family, no you are not timid, no you are not weak , your are strong, a strong person is one who can sacrifice and not fight for small things, one who will wait to fight on proper time and valid reason.

    if you are living in joint family and the DH is not understanding and supportive, life is very tough, there is no way for you to put your point across, also if the DH is not good in communicating and is not open to such discussions then its worst . even if you raise the topic, it will result in argument and fight..if you leave ur job , the basic needs you are meeting too will be gone and humiliation will be next...

    you can try putting your points through in a educated way, but I know one thing, if the spouse is bent upon to not understand the point, then no matter what one will never understand.. There you need to decide what to do if this continues, whether you can take it or not , how will you react if time comes, your DH wont change the way you want him to....its not possible
     
    Last edited: Jan 31, 2010

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