Plight of a MIL

satchitananda · Mar 26, 2015

On one hand OP has a problem with a dil who does not know how to behave in a civilized manner. On the other hand, OP also has some notions which are not necessarily in keeping with the times like "being lenient/strict with the dil". Bringing that to her notice (as we do tell so many dils here too, to mend their attitude if it is seen to be lacking) or telling her that it is not acceptable for her to take sides in a marital fight between her son and dil is certainly not "attacking" her.

Laks09 · Mar 26, 2015

@gayathrim123 - From your post it's quite clear that not only your son but your DIL herself was not ready for marriage. People who behave like toddlers shouldn't be getting married.

I do agree that people living in a house should all pitch in to do tasks around the house. Why don't you come up with a list of tasks and clearly indicate what each person should do. If your son wants to pitch in for his wife or if your DIL wants to pitch in for her husband, let them hash it out or hire and pay people to do it. Similarly, you can pick up your spouse's share of the chores.

Your house isn't a hotel. People should inform you their whereabouts. It just isn't safe to not let people at home know where one is and what time to be expected back. What if something were to happen? How will someone know until it's too late?

The thing about asking your son about him weeping etc, that's not right. Their marriage, their business. Even if you feel your DIL is unfair, it's best you keep your opinions to yourself. If that's truly the case, your son isn't foolish. He'll pick that up soon enough and hash it out with his wife. If you step in, they will set their differences aside and make you the common enemy. That's how it's supposed to be too.

Btw, your house, your rules. If you find it difficult when DIL/son are making each other weep, or not, ask them to take it behind closed doors. That way you don't need to know what their private strides are. Let them learn to keep it private. That's something that you can say.

periamma · Mar 26, 2015

Dear Gayathri why do you take so much stress at this age.Your son is to be blamed and not your dil.I think he has passed your comments to the girl before getting married and that has planted a hatred in her heart.That may be the reason to avoid you .You too have a thought that you accepted the marriage magnanimously and so expect your dil to show her gratitude by obeying your words.Another point don't compare yourself with your dil by saying"i am also a working woman and I showed respect to my mil and finished the household work before going to office."Hi buddy younger generation wants to be friendly and they hate if some one commands them.
You enjoy your life with your DH ,go for an outing,have a short trip to near by places and if you can take a long leave have a journey to tourist centres in our country.

You have a cook and maid and why do you expect others help.you finish your work and go to office and be relaxed .why do you share your opinion about your dil with office colleagues or relatives?That's why they trigger you by saying you are lenient and makes confusion in your life.Be happy,smile at your dil when you see her and if your son shouts at you warn him don't repeat this again.

You have written that your dil spat at you and that is to be condemned.oneday she will regret for her actions.

As a mil of two dils I penned here .If I have hurt your feeling bear me

butterflyice · Mar 26, 2015

@Gayathrim123,

Feel very sorry to read about your situation. You are here asking for youngster's point of view. Like you have correctly surmised, many younger people do not like being told indirectly to do something. In fact they do not want to be told at all. Many young people think if they work outside, they do not have to do any housework or think that housework is meant for uneducated or unemployed people. Its sad but that's the state of affairs.

One thing that I dont get is why is your son not doing any chores? As a working woman, have you not involved him in any housework?

Your son and DIL have no respect for you. If I behaved like your son or DIL at my parents' place, they would have asked me to move out!! Please have them set up their own home and you try to find some peace in this old age.

I am copying below the words of a senior, wise poster of our forum @jayasala42. Please read this.

"This world is beautiful. It is ever-changing as it proceeds again and again through the cycle of death and re-birth. It is our oldest, wisest teacher. Humans follow the same pattern, but because we have the reasoning powers gifted by God,we tend to get hooked to something we like. We attempt to make ourselves static to preserve something familiar and keep ourselves in comfortable zone.We seem to raise our voice against Nature-the nature of which is to undergo change.

we must allow ourselves to proceed through the seasons of our own lives without judgment. Every human has moments or months or sometimes, even years of winter, of darkness—but the spring will always come if we allow it.
The winter in our life is also pleasant,

It is natural and beautiful. The warmth of life continues to thrive [COLOR=#009900 !important]beneath[/COLOR] the surface. It can be painful. But that need not make it a negative experience. It gives you hope and confidence of [COLOR=#009900 !important]renewal[/COLOR] with double vigour and sometimes suffering can be the greatest teacher of all.

If winter comes, can spring be far behind."

PS: I do not find anything wrong with OP's use of words lenient or asking her son to not weep when his wife is not weeping. She is translating vernacular words into English which has a different connotation. Even if we were to go by just English, taking a literal verbatim meaning of each and every word posted missing the essence of the post seems a little harsh to me.

Most of the posters are taking her to task for communicating with her DIL through her son while OP has said DIL was the one communicating that way. Her son was the one who sought her intervention after his tiff with his wife and we are finding fault with OP. Are we missing the woods for the trees?

AprilLisa · Mar 26, 2015

peartree said: ↑

And also Gayathri, please get out of the "woe is me" phase... you plight is just fine. It's not like your son and DIL kicked you out of your house or anything like that. You're independent, have a job and a co-operative husband, I am assuming. So really, nothing is wrong with your plight!

I feel your whole reaction to this is stemming from some deep resentment you harbor towards this marriage itself. Subconsciously, you probably haven't still accepted the fact that you son chose to get married young, and to a girl completely of his choice. You're in denial of those feelings and it is manifesting through your behavior towards your DIL, because in your mind, she is the reason for the happy little nest you had created with your son.... the nest where he was free to live the way he wanted. I might be way off, but I strongly feel this is the case, especially from these points -

* Feeling bad about your son crying while DIL was not
* Stating that your son abused you, but you specifically asked him no to do it in front of his wife
* Communicating through him to DIL instead of just directly talking to her

I think you need to first wholeheartedly accept that the fact that your son is an adult, married to an adult and it is time you let him fly out to make his own nest. Your dignity and any chances of a good future relationship with your son rests on this, IMO. Good luck!
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very true.....

On top of all these you have help, maid and cook, so your DIL thinks you really do not need her help. And i really don't think you need her help either. Just that, now she is here, so you want her to be there around you. you are what you are at your home after 20 or 25 years of experience as a DIL, you can't expect the same amount of dedication and responsibility from her, just after her marriage.

This will not help the relationship grow, but if you keep at it, it will spoil your son and DIL relationship as well. in the end no one will be happy.

coolgal123 · Mar 26, 2015

I believe tht men shuld also take responsibilty of household chores specially when their wife is working....
but even if husband is not doing anything tht doesnt mean tht wife is also entitled to do nothing...
2 wrongs doesnt make a right...we can not proving ourself right by proving others wrong....
even if op son is wrong tht doesnt give the license to dil to do anything...becoz my husband is doing so so can i.....specially when she is a grown up woman....she shuld have a mind of her own and shuld not blindly follow her husband....my husband is not doing anything so i also dont do....
i dont find anything wrong with the statement tht why r u weeping while ur wife is not....i took it as....when ur wife is not affected so much why r u getting affected...u also take it lightly....

On this thing spitting happens and threat of police....clearly her dil is of abusive nature....
Op is the mother of her son....she cant be a mother to her dil....being a good mil doesnt mean being mother to dil...
we always accept that in lawd cant be parents....then why people here expecting tht she wuld give exact leniency to her dil which she is giving to her son...
with dil she will expect an responsible adult behaviour while with son she can ignore few thingd out of love...

yellowmango · Mar 26, 2015

with dil she will expect an responsible adult behaviour while with son she can ignore few thingd out of love...
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Is that right?
The same logic can be used to say....If the son of a mother who loves him doesn't care to help...why should the dil who is neither her child not loved as much by her,care to help?

Like you wrote....Two wrongs don't make a right.

coolgal123 · Mar 26, 2015

yellowmango said: ↑

Is that right?
The same logic can be used to say....If the son of a mother who loves him doesn't care to help...why should the dil who is neither her child not loved as much by her,care to help?

Like you wrote....Two wrongs don't make a right.
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Ideally it is not right....but idealism cant be expected in every small thing....mostly mothers are bound to be lenient with their kid....
it wud have been wrong if dil taking help frm husband and mil doesnt want it to happen....

Dil needs to do her share of work... it is not help to mil...for ex ....
if i share cooking work it is not help to anybody as i also eat .

If a mother wants to take load of sons work let her do it..its her wish...

I

AprilLisa · Mar 26, 2015

coolgal123 said: ↑

mostly mothers are bound to be lenient with their kid....
it wud have been wrong if dil taking help from husband and mil doesn't want it to happen...
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Right!! Mothers are mostly more lenient with their kids(like ignoring their faults and mistakes)... so ideally they should also be expecting more from their own kids(like helping them out with household work, taking care of their needs and respect), rather than from someone else's kids. Not right to expect things from someone to whom you can not give your motherly love, isn't it?

But here the situation is like she is more lenient with her child, but expects more from DIL, also directs anger meant for her son towards her DIL. I am not advocating her DIL's behavior either, she had been wrong(but she is not here for advices either so can't do much about her behavior).

Generally MILs are more lenient with their son, ignores their bad behavior towards them and others, don't expect them to do the household chores as that is not a man's job, but never tells sons to do the so called man's job either. But all the criticism and expectation is there in perfect places for the DIL.

yellowmango · Mar 26, 2015

coolgal123 said: ↑

Ideally it is not right....but idealism cant be expected in every small thing....mostly mothers are bound to be lenient with their kid....
it wud have been wrong if dil taking help frm husband and mil doesnt want it to happen....

Dil needs to do her share of work... it is not help to mil...for ex ....
if i share cooking work it is not help to anybody as i also eat .

If a mother wants to take load of sons work let her do it..its her wish...

I
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Then she should also be allowed to take her mother's help.But that can't happen because she is expected to enter the unfair home .

The reaction would not have been the same if the OP had written.."The Plight of a mother" .......The Son has been a brat for ever but that is ok....because he has his team with him.

I agree with posters who are calling dil unfair along with the son...but your argument that the son gets to get away with no work and abusing mother because he is the son and she loves him. This is the kind of argument that makes dils want to not live in joint families. It is sad that even women do not support fairness in Indian marriages.

The same mils expect their sons to be treated as Gods in dil's parents home....where is the fairness in all this.