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Plight of a MIL

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by Gayathrim123, Mar 23, 2015.

  1. armummy

    armummy Platinum IL'ite

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    Funny how people here take offence to lenient / strict word from mil and lecture her and at the same time give wide berth to DIL even ignore that she spat on Mil.

    Mil successfully shooed out from the forum .
     
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  2. coolgal123

    coolgal123 Platinum IL'ite

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    Hello op,
    its clear from your post that your son and dil both doesnt respect you at all...
    Mom is here for doing our work...otherwise she has no business in anything....
    Like others said tht your dil is an adult she doesnt need your permission but at the same time coming late and not informing tht they will have their dinner or not is no way of living in a home...home is home and not a hotel where people go and come without informing and order their food as per convenience...

    As son and dil both r adults so they shuld be knowing their responsibilities too...not only their rights as an adult...

    Becoz dil is a grown up woman so she doesnt need her mil to be strict or lenient but at the same time...if she is grown up woman she shuld be knowing herself tht sharing of chores is expected from her...
    there should not be any need of telling this explicitly....she is not a kid tht she is not feeling confident or nervous becoz she is outsider....she has the arrogance of spitting on mil but not the confidence of sharing the housework...

    Regarding spitting and threat of police...if i wuld have been at ur place i will never live with the woman again...
    just let go of ur son...not for ur dil but for ur own sake....for ur self respect sake....they need to learn lot many things which life wuld teach them....
    if you will contoniue doing work for them you will be doing harm to your son too...
     
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  3. devic

    devic Silver IL'ite

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    Dear OP,

    I want to answer you as a DIL.

    We have similar story at home.
    Love marriage, MIL still thinks he was too young to get married etc.

    Your DIL is almost like me, even I never did any cooking when MIL is at home.
    Even I slept late on weekends.

    But I used to make it a point that I stand with her and talk after coming back from work in the kitchen while she cook, but later I stopped. Cant remember why.
    After reading your post I think I should start that again.

    My mother calls me and ask me to do some help for her in the kitchen, clean the house etc. She has that freedom on me, why is MIL not having that?
    Same way if my Mother don't like something I do she will tell me.
    I would really like if my MIL also does the same, instead of going through my DH.

    Its really weird when DH is being the mediator. I have experienced that in my 5 year marriage. So I understand what u feel.

    Have you tried talking directly to DIL? this body language etc don't help.
    You should really talk to your son and DIL.
    If they don't want to listen, its better to let them move out separately.

    From my experience, once we moved out from MILs home[due to distance from work], we started having a better relation ship with IL's and that improved our marriage also a lot.

    Now we are back again with MIL, after the birth of my LO.
    I never get to look in to kitchen or do any house work after work, coz I am busy with LO. But I make sure all food/cleaning related to my LO, I finish myself.
    I have kept maids for cooking and cleaning to help MIL.
    There are times still when MIL will communicate to me through her son, I ignore that, but still feel it could be a lot more better if she could consider me her own too.
     
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  4. sdiva20

    sdiva20 Platinum IL'ite

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    @ coolgal- I agree with you but I hope you think that son too has chores at home like cooking and cleaning etc. Because mostly, only the woman is expected to do such chores (even when working full time) but men have no responsibility before or after marriage except get served by the womenfolk.


    @ armummy- I am not sure how you reached the conclusion that because almost all of us took offence (as any adult should) to the word "strict/ lenient" in the context, that we condone one person spitting or in any way abusing another human being.

    It is abuse to try and control a grown woman who happens to be your DIL but it is just as much abuse to spit someone or treat then with disrespect or take them for granted.

    The story is never about MIL- DIL because we we are not fulfiling one role in our life. We are all not just a DIL or SIL or MIL or mother but many of us are all of these some point or other inour life.

    In other words, I dont recall anyone giving a wide berth to the DIL. I am curious as to how you came to that conclusion.

    Moreover, it is not about parsing OP's words but to give her a perspective different from her own. She will ultimately do what she thinks is best for her life but having a differnt perspective helps an individual introspect about her own words and actions.
    I thought that is why OP was come here to share her story.


     
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  5. Gayathrim123

    Gayathrim123 Senior IL'ite

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    Hi, I wish to clarify that I have a maid and also a cook. I also have mentioned that I too have good job and in no way dependant on my son. The house we stay together also is from my own earnings. My mistake was I never expected that a generation gap would be to such an extent that we can't even expect a common courtesy. And I have never stopped them from moving out. They say they need a few months to move out .until then I keep quiet and wait.
     
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  6. docathome

    docathome Gold IL'ite

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    @sdiva20 what you're saying bout men sharing chores at home is absolutely right. It should be that way in an ideal world but when it comes down to real life, especially in India it all falls onto the women's domain.. More so cos in India, hiring a maid is almost a normal life circumstance.. No one likes doing dishes n mopping up, so the men dump it on the women n the women on the maid who does it cos she is paid..
    Even nice educated men who r kind to their wives hardly help out at home cos they feel their lives are not burdened anyway cos they have help at home.. Outside India, where is no domestic help the same men do help out.. Iv seen it happen among my friends, in India all the burden is on the lady but when the go out the men do do their part..
    Agree with the rest of your post completely..
     
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  7. Gayathrim123

    Gayathrim123 Senior IL'ite

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    I too feel that when u talk about your rights ,then you should be aware of your duties too.
     
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  8. armummy

    armummy Platinum IL'ite

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    It is obsolutely fine to expect family members have minimum courtesy to inform (different from permission ) each other about thier whereabouts and not treat home as hotel . I would say keep your distance and give them deadline to move out if they don't show any signs of taking initiative
     
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  9. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Gayathri, "generation gap" sums it up. Your household seems to be a traditional one where you are working but do all or most of the household work also. Your son seems to not be actively helping in household work before or after his marriage. You thought your DIL will start to help you once the early days of marriage are over. She did not. Your feelings got hurt.

    It is indeed 'generation gap.' Women of current generation are less willing to be solely responsible for household work. If your son was helping in the household work, your DIL would have more reason to also help.

    Title of thread should be "Plight of Mother" not "Plight of MIL."

    True. And, when you talk about your DIL's duties, you should be aware of your son's duties too. If you excuse his behavior as 'too young' or 'immature' then your DIL is probably even younger than him, and moved into an entirely new household.
     
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  10. laksub

    laksub Bronze IL'ite

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    Again they are taking you for granted. Life doesnt go according to their convenience. If it is convenient for them to stay with you for few more months, make it known to them that they need to follow some ground rules.. your DIL and SON should take responsibilities around the house. If your DIL says she can call police, even you are under your rights to call the police to evict them since it is your own house built with your hard earned money. Both your son and dil seem quite immature and probably think life is going to be easy..let them learn the hard way. IF your son doesnt respect you, he doesnt deserve your love or respect. Make it clear
     
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