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Plight of a MIL

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by Gayathrim123, Mar 23, 2015.

  1. hellosister

    hellosister Silver IL'ite

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    i feel that your situation has come to a level that it is not good for you to stay with your daughter in law and son together anymore....... initially it was your son who abused and tried to prove that he is superior now your daughter in law threatened about calling police just to scare you and prove that if you show resistance the consequences would be dangerous...... in both the scenario both are trying to stop you from resisting and taking all the wrong ways ........ i think now if you stay together you will have hell lot more things to see......already this seems extreme but it will go further unless you come down to what they want....... so in angle better for you to separate them not near your house but far from you separating means not from house alone separating from these problems...... if they stay near you same things would follow and no end to it....... i strongly feel after a threat from police you have to be really careful .......
    it is neither dil/mil who are control freak or inhuman..... it is a person who does these things in the clothing of mil/dil....... there is no straight rule that mil is bad or dil...... it is how one human treats other human be it husband/wife,brother/sister,mil/dil or any relation.......
    i know i am young to comment but i strongly feel it is just two people one is good person and other is bad and the bad one don't have any regards to any relationship and we can not label it down to any one form of relation, its is just that one bad human.....
     
  2. satchitananda

    satchitananda IL Hall of Fame

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    OP, the best option would be to let them move out to an establishment of their own. Let them lead their lives the way they want to. They might make mistakes, but they will learn. It is time for them as married adults to learn to fend for themselves in all ways - not just earning money. Unless you let go, they are not going to learn to be responsible.

    They have a right to lead their lives, fumble along and learn their lessons. You have a right to lead your life the way you want to, without the disturbance of youngsters coming in late, going out at odd hours, sleeping in till late etc. Give each other that space. Let them sort out their own fights. Don't step in to support your son. Remember she has left her home and parents and does not have anyone to support her if the two of you pitch in against her. Don't give advice unless specifically asked for it. Then just tell them what you think and leave the decision to them.

    This would be the only way you can think of developing a healthy relationship with them, and who knows, in time they might come closer to you emotionally and all the scars may heal.
     
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  3. kitty89

    kitty89 Silver IL'ite

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    I am not a big fan of an MIL who says that she is being lenient/strict. Do mothers say the same about their daughter that her daughter wakes up late and all that? Rules and equations change when it is DIL.

    Maa, your son is a jerk. Please understand and accept this fact. You should not have agreed to the marriage without knowing the girl. I know many mothers who ask their son to bring the girl home so as to develop a rapport and make her comfortable. You should have atleast tried to ask your son about her habits and other things.

    Anyways now since he's married. Keep them separate. Families keep Son n DIL in first floor while they are staying in the ground floor(cooking and other things being separate) just to teach them responsibility.

    She spitting on you is never acceptable and you should have given her and your son a strict warning about such behavior. What is the role of your husband in these situations? Is he mum?

    Please understand that she's left her family to be with yours. How much agony your silent treatment would have caused her? Difference of opinions are common in any family. But to stop talking is not fair. Both of you should sit and talk and possibly go shopping for an entire day to make up for all that has happened.

    Just one person cannot be blamed in this situation. All four of you are at fault.
     
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  4. Rise

    Rise Platinum IL'ite

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    only solution for peace in family --- Adults get a new place to stay. i am sure Dil will be over excited to have a place of her own,and you too can find peace of mind at your own home.
    No suggestions/interference in hus- wife relation. Anything you need to convey convey to both.
     
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  5. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    peartree, very good post with some hard-hitting questions. Wanted to quote all of it as each part has valid questions and food for thought. Hopefully, it will inspire OP to introspect.
     
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  6. laksub

    laksub Bronze IL'ite

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    I too agree with those that have told you to keep them in a separate establishment so that they learn to take responsibility. If there was noone to cook, your DIL would have to wake up early and do on her own.., and thus she will learn to take her responsibilities and maybe respect you and value you.

    I will take my own case as an example..when I was newly married, 20 years ago, my MIL would do all the cooking early in the morning by 5.30 as my FIL would leave for work by 5.45. She would make the lunch box for me as well. I would wake up at 6, and since all the kitchen work would be complete, I would just dress up and pick up my lunch and go to work. So it turned that she was the one cooking because I would be back home at 8pm by which time she would have already prepared the dinner. During weekends, if i offered to cook, she would say sweetly that I just had one day of rest, so I should just rest and relax. So me and my dh would go out most of the weekends. I didnt know that she expected me to wake up at 4 and do the cooking, because 1. She always said my FIL would not eat anything else except food cooked by her own hands, 2. She never told me that she expected me by her side early in the morning. This went on for some time, until I heard gossip in the family that my MIL had been saying to everyone that I was doing nothing at home and I was lucky that I had such a lenient MIL. I had the assorted aunts-in-law, sils etc advising me and apparently I was the hot topic of conversation everytime they all met. This riled me no end. I confronted her and asked her if she expected me to do things why didnt she tell me so. I am not a mind reader. This confrontation happened in front of my husband, who was upset with me and told me off for fighting with his mom., and i shouted at him back saying that it was all his mothers fault. It became very bad. My mil didnt speak to me for many months after this confrontation. Everything was conveyed through my husband and I was like a persona-non grata in my own home. This silent treatment became extremely stressful for me because my dh would travel out on business often and I would have to live with them without anyone talking to me and I needed medical intervention after which my husband realised that I needed to stay away from the toxic environment and took me away to live away from inlaws. We started visiting them during weekends, and slowly things started improving. Now after 20 years, my MIL is more closer to me than her own son.

    So, let them go. Both of you will be at peace.
     
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  7. peartree

    peartree Platinum IL'ite

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    Thanks, Rihana!
     
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  8. sdiva20

    sdiva20 Platinum IL'ite

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    @ peartree- totally agree with everything you said especially the part about if the son was helping in the kitchen.

    OP- I feel for you because you obviously are not happy with the situation you are in. Don't think many are saying what they are because they are all DIL's here. Please remember while reading our replies that we are daughters too. I will tell you what I would have told my mother if she happened to be in such situation:

    1. Your son is an adult and married. He is not just your boy but another woman's husband.

    2. You DIL is not required to take permission and neither are you entitled to be strict or lenient. You are talking about a grown woman here and you cannot boss her around. At her age, even her own mother should not be trying to be strict/ lenient with her so don't you think as a MIL, it is very presumptuous for you to think that way?

    In your situation, all are at fault. You seen to think you are entitled to something from your DIL which is not right. Your DIL and son(from your accounts) is treating the home as if they are kids with no responsibility towards it. They really don't need to take your permission but informing you if they are late is just common decency.

    The biggest blame is on your son. He seems irresponsible, disrespectful and entitled.

    If you hope to someday have any semblance of normal relationship, you need to suggest that they move out. As @Rihana already suggested, when they have their own place, they will understand what it takes to run a home. Right now, mummy is doing everything.

    Gayathri- If my mother said statements like "if she not crying for you why are you?" I frankly will be very disappointed. Do you realize how petty that makes you sound? You are the mother here and telling that to your son is just wrong. Every husband and wife fight and they make up. That is normal in every single marriage.

    The crux of the whole situation is about control. You will forget and forgive you son no matter what he does but the DIL is always the enemy. If you look at your DIL as an adult woman over whom you have no control and if you both understand that there is no need to interfere in each other personal space life will be much simple.

    I believe a woman has the same rights as a man in a home so if you son is not taught to do his share of chores at home, you really cannot expect your DIL to do that.
     
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  9. JanSri

    JanSri Silver IL'ite

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    Dear Gayathri Aunty,
    Like many of the other FBs have said, letting them go is the best option for your situation. The toxicity and negativity in a family environment are spirals that only take you in one direction - down. And its like the saying goes,
    'If you love something, let it go,
    if it comes back, its yours,
    if it doesnt, it never was.'

    But having said that, some of the other posters have taken exception at the usage of the words 'lenient' and 'permission'.
    Now, 'lenient' is a very relative term. You can understand the angst and the anguish in the OPs post and the extent to which the situation at her home has deteriorated that she has written what she has, and in public domain. Not everyone can hold their peace at all moments in our lives (God knows I dont and sometimes I say things I regret later). And if we did we all would be saints. And coming from a family of 3 daughters (all of whom are married) and I can see our respective MILs and see the various degrees of 'give' each of them have. I personally feel that doing a thread-bare analysis of each and every word used in the post is unwarranted. She is suffering and hence has asked for opinion, which is a permission given by her, which should not be abused.

    Coming to the matter of 'permission', did we not, as daughters, let our parents know if we were going to be coming late, back from work/outing/anything else that might keep us out late. If I was late home without informing (I dont remember more than 1 or 2 instances) I have had a telling off (still in my memory after all these years) from my parents. And this was before marriage. Post-marriage, I lived away in a different country for many years. And after returning to India, we lived in a joint family, as we were so excited to be back with family for a few months. During that time, whenever we went out for dinner or somewhere, even before my husband, I would let my MIL know, as I know she is the worrying kind (calls me to find out if her son reached home safely after work, if its raining heavily - we are living separately now, for whatever reason). It is courtesy that comes out of living as a group as against nuclear.

    I know the posts have been respectful towards the OP, but personally feel the threadbare analysis given the context is slightly unwarranted.

    Just my two pence worth.

    BW,
    J
     
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  10. nb25

    nb25 Gold IL'ite

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    OP,

    You have already got good advice from other ladies here. I am adding my POV to that.

    It is not right to expect you to do all the work in the house, when your son and DIL are also staying with you. However, your DIL is new person (relatively speaking) in the household, and may not have the confidence to do things as well as you do. She may feel that she would be criticized if any thing goes wrong? Give her the freedom to treat it as her own home. Don't try to control every thing as per your requirement. I think when she feels it is her home, she will take the responsibility to run it too.

    Right now, probably she is feeling like an outsider in your home, and not willing to take responsibility? I am just guessing here, as to what could have happened. I may be completely wrong.

    I am not trying to justify her behavior either. She should have taken some initiative to form a better understanding with you, and help you with the chores. Three years is enough time for that. But since you have posted here, I am trying to give suggestions to you, from a DIL's perspective.

    Not every one has the same work load at office. It depends on field, position and hierarchy and company. What is your DIL's schedule like? Maybe she has a very tight schedule at office, and is genuinely not able to help out? Can you not get a maid to do the household chores, since all of you are working?

    Also, ask her directly to help with some chores. Ask your son too. It is not fair that you do every thing at home. Using body language to convey displeasure may not go down well with them. They may not even realize you are angry. Let them know what you think. Don't allow them to take you for granted. If there is no change in the situation, then stop doing any thing for them. Let them handle their tasks. Also, ask them to give you a heads - up if they will be late, say after your dinnertime, so you don't have to wait for them.

    Do you know for sure that your DIL is communicating her preferences through your son? It could be your son himself, who is telling you about the chores. When he tells you about these chores, then assign some to him as well. Make him help you. Don't overwork yourself.

    If you are sure that your DIL is using your son to communicate with you, then try establishing a direct line of communication with her. Tell her - Son asked me to make this dish for dinner today, would you like it too, or should I make another one for you as well? It won't be much work for you, as you have a cook, but the gesture will count with DIL. Try to get her comfortable with communicating her opinion to you directly, on other matters as well.

    I really don't want to sound judgmental here, sorry OP, but I think your son is more independent than you give him credit for. He married the person he wanted, when he wanted, even though he knew you were not fully convinced. Don't give him advice, unless he asks for it. He may not like his mom advising him in front of his wife.

    OP, your DIL does not have to inform you that she is going to visit her parents. Don't think too much about it. Your son is informing you, isn't he? Let it go.

    Don't stop talking to her totally. Maintain at least a minimum talking relationship with her, just for the sake of your son, if that is possible. Her reaction was extreme, but I don't think you should interfere in their fights. If there are differences between you and your son, she will come to know about it, as she is part of the family. So, try to resolve any issues, with as little arguments, as possible. Do not accept any bad behavior from son or DIL. Let them know what behaviours are unacceptable.

    Given the current situation, take some time to cool down. When you and she can approach the issue calmly, take all the above steps to make your relationship with her better. At the same time, let them know you will not bend over backwards, or tolerate any rudeness. If there is no change still, then the only solution would be for them to move out.

    I don't know if the police remark was some thing she said in anger at the moment, or a serious threat, but if you have the smallest doubt that it was serious, have them move out of your home, as soon as possible.

    Hope it does not get to that point, and you are all able to resolve your differences.

    I realize I sound too preachy after writing all this, OP. Sorry if it offends you. I am saying the same things I would say to my mom, in a similar situation. Please don't take it otherwise.
     
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