Plight of a MIL

Your son and Dil are brats .

stop doing things for them . Ask them to get a separate accommodation. If you are unable to do it then stop being maid .Let them cook their food and clean their portion of house .have a discussion with all both of them and let them know the new arrangement. Stop pampering your son too . He got a wife who will pamper him .your son is the culprit here .

 

Dear Ma'am,

From your post I garnered that your son and DIL are slightly immature and irresponsible. But now that they are married, they are a family unit and should be making their own decisions. They are old enough to decide whe n to go out or come andl don't need to be taking permission or informing you.what you had said is from your perspective, but your DIL's reaction is an indicator that there is a lot more resentment beneath the surface, possibly due to the advise or other issues.

You may feel you are lenient but I hope you realise she does not need to tolerate any strictness or leniency from you. I probably feel strongly from a DIL POV cos I am one so i won't say anymore..

I feel it would be best for all of you'll to allow your son and his wife to live separately so that they can learn their lessons in life, develop their own equations and grow closer without making the home a battlefield.. In due course, in sure she would also be able to respect you better if she does not feel intimidated by you..
I'm sorry if I said anything to offend you but I feel daily battling with your DIL is a no win situation.. You may win the battle but lose the person .

 

It s all about who is the leader of the pack. So long whole house was handled by MIl or Mother but now having another young girl at home(DIL) that too an outsider. For DIL she had been brought up in a different scenario where she would have done whatever her mom and dad would have told her to do. After marriage she thinks now she is independent she can do what she thinks is right. And she has her husband to support her(that to if its love marriage then he is the best man for her).
But then she sees Oh man now I have MIL to teach her how to live. Back to square 1. :bang She is still not got that freedom. This is the reason for that MIL Dil fight MO!

 

I think it is nice that you and husband did not object, but did you at least make him understand what marriage is and all the responsibilities that come with it? Also, you say you have tried to be a good MIL, now what in your mind constitutes a good MIL?

Now, you have all these expectations from your DIL... but did you train your son to help around the house? Did you son, before he got married help with chores, like getting up early, help in the kitchen before getting dressed to leave for office. You must have been a working woman then too, right? And what about your body language with your son.... did you act like that with him too?

Gayathri, I understand you are frustrated, but I think the majority of the blame here lies with your son. I doubt that this is even an issue belonging here in the in-laws forum. This needs to be in the parents forum. I think the major cause of the issue is your son, he seems to lack basic respect for you. You said you stopped talking to your DIL, did you stop talking to your son? When he abused you in front of her, did you firm up and ask him to stop doing that? Whether in front of his wife or not, he has no business abusing you. And you should have been clear about that. And what is this nonsense about asking your son not to weep when the DIL is not weeping? Would it have been fine with you if she was crying and your son was not? This is really not the characteristics of a good MIL! I would have been pissed off too, if my MIL had somehow expected me to cry just because her son is crying for some reason. I probably wouldn't have resorted to spitting or flinging myself on MIL, but would have wanted to do something like that in my mind at least.

I think the fault also partly lies on you. When they started coming late and not informing you, why did you not speak up there and then... to just tell them to let them know that their sudden change of plans is causing inconvenience? How would they know it was causing problems if you weren't speaking up? Or did you think that they would somehow get the message from your passive-aggressive behavior?!

And the friends who are saying you are a lenient MIL, I think it is time to cut off those friends from your circle! What do they mean my a lenient MIL? Are the expecting that you chase around your DIL with a ruler and ask her to obey you? Don't discuss your issues with those "friends". They do not seem to be well-meaning!

Remember that nothing much has changed for you or your son... except that you have an extra family member living with you. But a lot has changed for your DIL in leaving her parents and coming to stay with you.

All of you need to grow up. Most of all, you need to grow up... not into an MIL, but just a dignified older person who needs to let the son go and make a life for himself. First of all, call for a family meeting of your son and DIL and tell them that this kind of atmosphere in your home is despicable. Second, have them move out and make a place of their own. That will teach them responsibility.

I have been married for almost 9 yrs now, and do not live with in-laws. But when I visit them in India, I usually don't get up to help MIL in the kitchen or anything, unless she specifically asks me to do something. In the beginning, my husband would very smartly try to pass me these messages using his eyes to help his mom, and I used to just ask him to get up and do it himself, if seeing his mom working was bothering him so much! That wasn't because I did not want to help or anything, but seeing the men just sitting around dong nothing in their own house and my MIL being ok with it, I just did not think that my MIL required any help.

 

Ma'am ,others have given you a good solution for the problem.
These two need to learn to live separately ...making their own rules. Apart from that....once your dil has threatened with 'police'....it is better and safer that you maintain a distance.

I don't see this as just a mil dil problem....it is also a problem between a mother and son. Dil alone cannot be blamed.Your son married young against your wishes,chose a girl of his choice...I doubt he has been the obedient sweet son before marriage.

 

Loved your post @peartree

 

So well written.. This is exactly what i was thinking too.

@Gayathrim123 a lot of adjustments has to happen when a new member joins the family. It should not be just the Dil or the MIL who has to adjust, everyone should.

What she did after the fight was wrong but what you said was also not right.

And i don't understand what you meant by "being lenient". She is not a school going kid for you to be lenient or strict. She is an adult and has her right to make decisions.

 

Your son and DIL should move out. Just have them visit or go over on weekends. Living together is clearly not working out well, so why force it?

 

Thank you