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Plight of a MIL

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by Gayathrim123, Mar 23, 2015.

  1. DDream

    DDream Platinum IL'ite

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    I dont have much experience to advice you. Looks like so much happened in the past and every one has their own version. But, I feel its better not to force anything. You son said very clearly that he dont want you to interfere in their family. Sad to hear that. But, Why you disrespect you again by going after them. May be its time to practice 'smart contact'. We cant force anyone to love or respect us. But we can definitly set the boundary.

    Stop contacting your DiL. You can limit your interaction with your children to once in two weeks or once in a month. Call them and talk, also to your grand kids. Even if you have good relationship with daughter, do the same. If they care they will call you frequently. If not, accept it. Also , dont go there if they dont invite you.

    Now you are single and healthy. Enjoy this new phase. Find hobbies that you enjoy. Takecare of your health. Do excercise. Travel. If you have money you can visit even foreign countries. Why to save money now for your kids, only for you. Keep you busy as lazy mind keep going back to past.

    Another important point is keep all your family issues with you. Dont share or blame your DIL or son to others because it will reach them. Its your kids duty to take care of you, DIL or SonIL has only supporting roles. Talk positively and only good things about them evennif you have urge to do so as its natural to vent due to the hurt feelings. Maintaining a distance and giving much space may help bring them back to you. Let them wonder whats going on. When they approach be vigilent but talk in a nicer sweet way. You cant control others thoughts or feelings but you can definitly control your response and plan your life ahead.

    Life is too short. Fill your life with people you are comfortable with, not someone who dont need you. Build your friends circle. As you are mature enough, forgive them and you, accept the past with a pinch of salt, lower expectations and enjoy rest of your life to the fullest. Reinvent yourself.
     
    Last edited: Nov 27, 2022
  2. 1Sandhya

    1Sandhya Platinum IL'ite

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    @Gayathrim123
    Gayathri Ma’am
    I feel for your plight. Your son is so busy immersed in being husband and father he has forgotten what it is like to be a son. So be it. You cannot force it. He has to realize your importance himself. I would not reach out again. Looks like if there is a major news like second pregnancy he will tell himself. Leave it. If he comes back a few months later to ask you to come and help, I would advise you to set some preconditions. I know love can be blind especially our love towards our adult children but what he said - clearly told you you can communicate only with him and cut off your access to your grandchildren is plain spite (on the part of the person who made that condition). His using bad words etc for you on the spur of the moment etc… in my opinion it seems like his wife is twisting your actions and using you as a pawn against him in their mutual fights to extract this and that concessions. He appears to have lost that battle and conceded.
    Please do not engage further with them for the sake of your own mental health. This in my opinion is the only way you can help your son and his marriage.
    If he calls you again tell him you love him very much but will wait for him to take the initiative instead of reaching out. Tell him whenever he wants to reach out to you your doors are open but… stop initiating calls, texts, video calls etc
     
    Last edited: Nov 28, 2022
  3. RiaME

    RiaME Senior IL'ite

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    Maam,

    Why are you expecting your daughter in law to do things in your home? Your expectations should be from your children.
    It's your home and your son's. So it's you who has to be doing the chores and your son.

    Probably your DIL would be very willing to take the responsibility of household chores if it were her house. Probably she might not want to do things according to others rules.

    It's better that they live separately from you but very near to your place, so that they have the privacy and independence they need and also be there for you when you need them ( specially your Son).

    You can ask your son to hire a cook and maid for your house to help you run the house.

    Why have unrealistic expectations from Dils and Sils, remember have expectations from your children and you can convey it to them too.
     
  4. Viswamitra

    Viswamitra Finest Post Winner

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    @gayathri123,

    You have tried everything possible to improve your relationship with both your son and daughter-in-law. You lost your husband two years ago and probably that makes you feel the need to connect with your children more. I am glad you have good communication with your daughters. I realize you don't want any of your adult children to feel neglected by the family. Your son is communicating different ways that your daughter-in-law is the one who is a stunning block for his improved relationship with you and his sisters.

    In my view, it is best to leave them alone for a while and make him come back when he needs you. Send him a gentle message that you are always there for him and his family. If I were you, I wouldn't take the step of establishing relationship only with the son as it would be viewed by DIL as spliting the family. From that perspective, your action to reach out to your DIL also when you heard the news that they are having their second baby is right. In all your endeavors, always consider your son's family as one unit and that approach will always be the best. If it eventually pays back, good for everyone. If it doesn't, at least you always treated them as one unit from your side and they can't accuse you of spliting the family. Tell your son always that you are only praying for his family's well-being always and his family's happiness is #1 priority for you more than your own requirements.
     
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