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Plight of a MIL

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by Gayathrim123, Mar 23, 2015.

  1. Laks09

    Laks09 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    @docathome - My DH was brought up the exact same way. Even now, when he is at his place even his coffee cup is picked up and put in the sink. That's the way my FIL is. Even a cup of water, somebody has to give it to him.
    Still DH pulls his socks up and does more than his share at home. Even around his parents he will do diapering/baby sitting/laundry and folding/cooking/floors etc etc. I'm a SAHM and I have a cleaning service but he will still help with dishes or laundry or whatever needs to be done at home. He even manages to watch DS and cook a fabulous lunch while I head out for long runs on weekends, a feat that even I can't manage. I generally cook before my son wakes up. So no, from personal experience it isn't the upbringing. Heck I didn't know to make a cup of tea when I got married. I grew up with two maids in the house. I've never washed a spoon in my life up until my wedding. I've never washed a dress up until then. Never ironed. Never dusted. Never even stepped into the kitchen other then for eating or drinking. I'm sure lots of women are brought up as princesses too but they change once they are married. Once I became a wife, I grew up and did what I had to. Same with DH. Adults cannot blame their upbringing for everything!

    Once you go back to work, hire all the help to keep the house running. Don't become super woman at the cost of your health and wellbeing. Since you are in India, you can get help, use it. It's hard to do everything and still work and be productive there too.
     
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  2. luv

    luv Silver IL'ite

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    Hi Aunty..Just tell your son that is the actual reason for all the problems. He should be the one who has to handle a situation in a non-biased way..He either bursts on wife or mother without thinking of any solution which can bind you and your DIL in a proper relationship. Your Statement of your son is young to handle marriage..is very very true..
     
  3. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    This is exactly the same case with us too. My husband grew up in a family where men were treated as God by their slave women. MIL would do everything around the house, shopping, teaching kids etc..etc... from 4.00 am to 10.00pm, and she was a supper woman.
    FIL doesn't even lift a spoon by himself. My DH grew up watching all this, but after marriage he also watches my relatives, who helps around the house and kids. He chose to be the nice husband, so we share the chores without any issues. So, it is not always the upbringing.


    Dear OP,
    Your son is the culprit in this whole case. First of all, he wasn't matured enough for a marriage, then to balance relationships. He did not listen to his parents about the right time for his marriage. Now he is proving as a selfish to stay with you despite of your instruction to move out.

    Your inability to acknowledge your son as a culprit is the second issue. That will worsen the situation.

    And your DIL is also wronged in so many places.

    Having said that, your son and DIL should understand that they are no longer careless singles, but married couples. They should also know that they are living with someone else at their residence. So, it is important to behave with sense, and basic courtesy.
    If they want lunch or dinner, they better help with the preparation or contribute to the maid/cooks salary on their behalf.
    They also better know that they should inform the main household about their departure and arrival timing, specially their meals requirement. Because they do not stay in a hotel. No one wants to stay awake till mid-night without knowing whether this new couple will come home or not. No one wants to keep meals or then waste them without knowing whether the food will be consumed or not. To such a pathetic living arrangement, I am sure no one wants to pay for help. So, please let your son know that he requires to follow the rules of the house where he is temporarily staying.

    Do not expect your DIL for not doing things as you wish. When your own son can't read your mind, how come his wife would behave otherwise?

    But she is also wrong in some other places. I.e refusing to help at kitchen. Perhaps, she is not ready for cooking or had some other reasons. It needs to be tackled only by your son. If his wife unable to cook, he can at least cut the veggies on behalf of his family.

    But now, the issue comes with you too. What would be your reaction when your DIL is sleeping, but son is assisting with the cooking. Given your details above, I am sure you may have gone mad, used diff body language and all that.

    But, dear Ma'am, only your son can deal with his wife. Not you.

    If their stay is really disturbing, then be polite and ask them to vacate the house. Should they continue to stay, then ask the, to follow certain rules till they vacate.

    Have the communication via your son, and have only expectations from him.. Your DIL will be your DIL and treat her with respect
     
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  4. Jazmine83

    Jazmine83 Gold IL'ite

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    No. I think there seems to be a gender bias.

    My mom said the same thing to me when I cried...when the guy who caused me to cry is happy...why should I cry...

    depends on how one reads it...

    the girl spat on her and threatened with police complaint...ran away to her house without informing them....she seems to be the cause for all their tears...anyway...I think this will be the last MIL post in this forum...

    If I were the MIL...I will kick both of them out..
     
  5. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Jazmine, you have a point that a parent might say the same to a girl.

    The difference would be whether they are living in same house. A married person's parent might very well tell the child 'why are you suffering, when your spouse is cool about it.' But if told in person, and when all are living in the same house - it is unfair to the child's spouse who is not a blood-relation.
     
  6. Gayathrim123

    Gayathrim123 Senior IL'ite

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  7. Gayathrim123

    Gayathrim123 Senior IL'ite

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  8. drdiva

    drdiva Silver IL'ite

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    Hello mam..
    Sad to hear that you are having so many problems and your husband is no more..I would suggest that you maintain your relationship sith your son and fully ignore ur DIL till the time she realizes and comes back to you. Even if she doesntcome back just put her on ignore mode to maintain your self respect and peace of mind.
    And you have a daughter too..maintain your relationship with her ..at least you have two kids if one is not that affectionate you can go to the other one.These days most people have one kid..so they wont have that luxury .So cheer up.
    After listening to your side of the story..it seems your DIL has a lot of attitude..but maybe she developed this as a result of certain unresolved issues b/w you and her.
     
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  9. PurpleRoses

    PurpleRoses Gold IL'ite

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    I just went through your old posts and this new update.
    Feel sorry for the loss of your husband at this stage. I can only imagine your plight of feeling lonely.
    Being alone by choice and feeling lonely are two totally different emotions.

    About your DIL-SON-Your issues, there's not a single person or situation to blame. I feel all 3 of you were/are equally responsible for the messed up inter personal relationships.

    We cannot say who's at fault...but 9years of damage cannot be repaired when there is no affection. It seems even your son is not close to you not just post marriage but from before.
    Dil-mil frictions in early marriage days are common but it depends on how both put effort to maintain or sustain that relationship and draw its boundaries to keep it healthy. Which is a major miss in your case.

    Coming to your current state of mind, please forget about your DIL for your own sanity.
    Things have gone way worser that it can never be cordial between you both. If she doesn't want your well wishes on her pregnancy or your help or advices, so be it. Do not communicate with her at all.
    Maintain distance from your son too. Just message once in a while in whatsapp or call once a month n later reduce that too. Sometimes, when you distance yourself from people or situations that hurt your soul, you begin to heal from inside. Also, this may give them chance to miss you and worry for you and try to contact you by themselves or atleast by your son which can slowly reduce the emotional distance in your mother-son relationship.

    As for your daughter - if you are in good terms with her, continue your contact with her as you do and also use your free time to catch up with your old friends sailing in similar boat or pursue your hobbies or even can cook and offer catering services to neighbors or office people to utilise your retirement time and also earn small but good money. It also would keep your mind off the negativity of your son-DIL.

    You can also try to open a youtube channel if you're good cook or have good experience with tips on kitchen maintenance, gardening or say interior decoration or poojas.
    Many people nowadays earn through YT channels.

    Till you are physically capable of taking care of your own chores and health, I suggest you to enjoy your new second round of single phase do everything that you couldn't do in your younger days. Go for vacations alone or join ladies group travels, meet new people and make new friends.

    My advice : Be kind, but not a fool. Do not insult others, but take no insult from anyone either!
    Dont expect anything from your son or DIL. Just believe they dont exist for sometime and live your life as you want to. One day, the sense of realisation will definitely arrive. I don't mean about your DIL but your son. He will one day realise the value of mother.
    Till then, safeguard your soul n heart.

    As much as I being a DIL have faced worst monstrous MIL who has not just put her nose but whole of herself inbetween me and my DH causing worstest fights.... I still would say as DIL that a son should be mature enough to know how to set boundaries after marriage between his wife n mother as well as how as a son he should do his duties along with his husband n fathey duties towards his now main family.
    This is lacking in your son so DIL is nowhere connected to the scenarios.
    Its upto the son to realise he is abusing his own mother n its in his hands to respect both his wife n mother in their own respective places.
    I've seen women who never did any household chores in life n even post marriage have their husbands do everything including cooking or have many maids to do everything which the husband pays for.
    So it's not uncommon for your DiL to not want to do household chores but to disrespect you and insult you is not justifiable at any level.
     
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  10. joylokhi

    joylokhi Platinum IL'ite

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    @Gayathrim123 , the above two replies to your current situation has all the good advise that you would require. Yes, if not DIL, your son is more at fault in not realising his mother's worth! Be it so, for your own sanity, it is best for you to just keep away from your sons family in mind and body upto the time they themselves reach out to you. It is defnitely sad, but do not have any expectations from them. Any grandparent will naturally want to bond with their grandkids, and denying you this is the height of inconsideration on anyones part. However, please maintain a positive attitude and try to occupy your time looking after yourself both physically and mentally. Hopefully time solve the issues.
     

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