Plight of a MIL

Title cant be plight of mother because again OP has problem with her DIL behav. not with her son...her son is not spitting and calling police....and again being a mother if she is taking bul**** from her son tht doesnt mean tht she has to take bull**** from all the world...
I am not advocating son's behaviour .....but I am against using son's behaviour as a justification of DIL's behaviour....every adult is responisble for their own behaviour...
I dont want to favour son but I want to give favour to the mother who is little biased towards her son ...i agree it is wrong but making this factor responsible for DIL's behaviour and painting her as a victim is not needed...
I am arguing for this particular poster only not in general...where MIL have unreasonable expectations...

I completely agree tht couple should form a separate family ....neither gal nor boy should belong to their parental family after marriage....this is the root cause of all the unfairness with female....this is the main reason people prefer boy ....
but here DIL is not demanding separate home which MIL is not letting her to do....she is comfortable living in joint arrangement untill unless she has to take the responsibilty...

let me ask you one question...
if same couple is living in separate arrangement and now husband is not working at all...what would be the suggestion???
1. to get a mil to do the work as she was doing it before marriage also
2. wife should also stop working and let the house be mess and order food from outside daily.
3. wife shuld make the husband work along with her.

I found 3rd most resonable....why DIL is not doing the same in joint arrangement or asking for separate home and again doing the same??

 

when you dont like someone whatever they do seem to be a mistake. MIL to DIL to MIL to son to mom to whoever

 

@Rise... 2 words: I Agree.

 

@coolgal123- I absolutely agree with everything you said here. Husband and wife should complement each other and I don't think absolute equality is needed between husband and wife.


But with PIL's I would expect them to treat me with the same respect that my husband gets from mine. Personally I don't think as a woman I have to be subservient to anyone in any way. I will give utmost respect to anyone older or younger as long as they reciprocate that. But I don't believe that only women are responsible to take care of home or have greater responsibility to please IL's. That is just my personal belief by which I live my life.

Having said all that, I do believe that this OP is wronged by her DIL and son because I feel they are taking advantage of her. You are right that it is harder for older people to accept change but no matter how hard it is, every one has to accept change in order to move with times. So much friction in a family happens when many independent adult live together with each one having a different life style/ beliefs. Moreover, some women are just not into home making. They choose to dedicate themselves to their career or whatever else. If someone does not like to do chores around home and want to have hired help, why should anyone else blame them? Just because someone is a woman does not mean she has to do house work. The society does not have such expectations from men so why from women?


The point is, it is unnatural to be an adult and live with other adults who are not spouse and that applies to adult children or daughter/ son in laws. In India many women are continued to push into that scenario without choice ( in the name of culture) and that is the reason why so many MIL-DIL fights. If a son-in-law lives with his wife's parents, the similar misunderstandings will happen. In most scenarios, it is not natural.

I personally did not look at OP's problems as a MIL problem. If my mother asked me, I would have said the same that let the happy couple figure out themselves you stay out. I would also advice not to let them walk all over her in her own house. I hope OP has someone in her corner to fight for her from her entitled, immature and abusive DIL and son.

 

@sdiva20 very nice to know that you are able to have a equal arrangement reg household chores with your hubby..im jealous :hide:..But I think it is not a common situation. Lot depends on how the hubby was brought up. Its really difficult to change a mindset when it is acceptable and lauded esp by his mom and family..

For the most part my husband is a very nice guy, but when it comes to household work he just thinks I'm responsible.. If I ask him to do something, he'll do it but he doesn't feel responsible for the house.. I'm not a great fan of cleaning, sweeping, mopping either! So I have a maid but the responsibilty is still mine.. I used to get bugged initially, but as time passed I realised someone has to take responsibility, esp after the kids.. He was brought up seeing him mom falling apart doing everything n his dad sitting around so he feels its alright n of course convenient for him! Beside his mom n relatives, when they want to say something reg the house, will ask for me n give me their advice cos they obviously feel I'm in charge of the house which reinforces his belief.. Irritating but this the reality often... Iv almost given up trying to change this..

I'm not talking bout laziness or nethin.. Cos he is surely overworked usually n comes home dead tired.. But when I was working and coming home dead tired on days I still had to handle this responsibility.. I finally quit working n am able to manage better now.. Though I'm planning on rejoining, I'm dreading the balancing act.. Nobody bats an eyelid when women try being superwoman, its expected!! Cos you chose to work.. But for men either their family will weep cos their son is being overworked and harassed by wife or ppl will tell him he is such a great person to 'help out' after his normal work!! But if a woman is not working its the other way, ppl want to know 'why you're not doing nethin useful. Of course you can handle both home n work cos you're capable..'!! Nobody expects the same from men though..

Sorry for the digression.. Couldn't help it.
Maybe I should start a new thread...

 

Who is condoning the dil's action?
Most people are only objecting to Op complaining about dil and not about the son.

 

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Rihana...

No one can set guidelines on when to weep.

A mother has every right to tell her son/daugther not to cry. No mom can handle it when their kids are crying.What is your problem here?

So you telling me if you will get offended when your mom is saying the same thing to you?

 

I don't think anyone would have objected to the OP asking her son to not cry. People only had an issue with her adding when DIL is not crying. It sounds very bad...