Please tell me if iam wrong here

amicabledeepu · Feb 7, 2013

Hi,

Today me and dh had this argument. Please suggest me if I am wrong here.
It all started off like this:

Me: i saw something about laser treatment for eyes today, if i get a job i will go for that treatment.
He:I will not allow you to waste money, anyways you have to give the salary to me once you get a job
Me: I will give you 50% and keep the remaining for my expenses.
He: No give it all to me and i will give you some pocket money.
Me: When will i be able to understand money management then.Anyways why to discuss now only, i have just started applying for jobs i dont even know if i will get a job or not,cut the argument.
He:You have to give all the money to me. Wife should be under husbands control.
Me: Please dont say that i think we both are equal and when you say those things like control and all my blood boils.
He: why will you have to feel like that, You are till now dependant on me and when you start working then also it shoud not change and you should be under my control , I am head of the family and you should straight away agree to give me all salary no point of discussion at all.
i kept quiet,i didnt want to argue i said ok do whatever you want to do,stop arguing you are behaving like a taliban.
he started off saying your attitude is bad, your behaviour is bad and all..
you dont trust me at all, In India also you never used to give me your atm card (Its not true he was the one who changed my password too to an easy one as i was always forgetting the password but i never used to update him whenever i used any money which he expected to give a detail data,it was the money from my previous job and some money he used to give for monthly expenses).

For this i said, When did i not show you my Atm and where did trust thing come up, for that matter ,you are the one who doesnt show me your credit card details ,you dont even let me have a glance.if i sit beside you when you are making a payment you go and sit in a different chair so that i dont see it(true).
He: true,because you argue like this and talk like this i too dont want to show you .
Me:no matter whatever i do you dont trust me ,you only trust your mum and
sis and iam never part of family.
He: You have to gain the trust.
( i expected that he would say why dont i trust you,i do but he chose to push the blame on me i felt really bad).

Please spare with the long post and tell if I am wrong somewhere like he says that its all my fault. We are not talking since evening. I was trying to avoid the argument,but he was dragging it saying all sort of silly things that i had to reply. In between, he said a lot of silly things but i cut it short.He is a loving guy but his ego issues and control-freak mentality drives me crazy.

Anitap · Feb 7, 2013

With a husband like this, you definitely need a job. Focus on that and ignore this for now.

Can make him "pay" later

rose8282 · Feb 7, 2013

Very sorry that your husband has this attitude. He is wrong. You are an integral part of his life..how can he think you are depending on him? If so, why is getting cooking, washed clothes and a clean home at no cost? He has to pay for those services then.I dont want to aggravate your situation at home since you are already not on talking terms. But if you agree to what he says, he will treat you in that manner always. What is the point in working if you still depend on him? Personally I dont mind giving the money to hubby and he gives me pocket money...but then he should not question me if I need money for something. Im not saying he give me as much as I want...then it all boils down to planning the finances together so you know how much to spend for necessities and how much you can keep for other stuff.
You need to plan with him. Havent we taken those promises during our wedding...if he doesnt remember, remind him again.

“Dharmecha Arthecha Kamecha Naathicharami“

The Hindu marriage vow stating “I promise to stand by you as a righteous partner during times of uncertainities, overcoming all desires of riches and needs. From this moment on I promise to embrace and cherish everything life has to offer with you.”

luckyladi · Feb 7, 2013

Concentrate on your interviews...later your problem will automatically solved

luckyladi · Feb 7, 2013

Nothing is wrong of yours.... Don't feel bad...everything will be alright...good luck...

Endlesshope · Feb 7, 2013

I am sorry you married a jerk like this I hope you get a really good job pretty soon.

Sometimes I wonder how do such guys get married, do they pretend to be all goody goody initially and turn into monsters once married :bonk

steve · Feb 7, 2013

He is a clown. Ignore it for now. You will cross that bridge when you get there. It's a moot issue now to fight over.

flowerlady · Feb 7, 2013

Dear OP,
Don't give him your full salary or insist on a joint account, common passwords , salary account details.
If your are good enough to stand on your own feet then you are intelligent enough to handle money.
But you can plan for your laser treatment by saving a reasonable amount each month once you start earning.

Most DH consider laser as beauty treatment and a waste of money by DW , but admire well groomed women!

Nagmaa · Feb 7, 2013

I know how bad you might have felt dear. Concentrate on getting a job first. Most of the Indian husbands are hypocrites.

anjananathan · Feb 7, 2013

u are not at all wrong..i feel like giving tight slap when men say i am head.. Nonsense.. Does he control you only on money issues or is there anything else.. u need to sit and talk with him..

u concentrate on ur job and be independent..

to make u laugh or feel light ( read in IL jokes thread)

Husband : i am head of the family
Wife : I am the neck. I will turn the head as per my wish