Please tell me how do I stop my in-laws from ruining my peace.

babyvalue · Jan 11, 2010

Hi all

I am writing all this with great hope that some wise people around here will give me some help...

To start with mine was a love marriage ... married for 6 years now.. Immediately after I finished my Engg got married.. It was a intercaste marriage.. although both of us are brahmins but they belong to Rajasthan & me from another state.
My parents got me well educated, & had spared enough for my decent marriage. My in laws did not ask for dowry ( which as per them is given without asking in Rajasthani marriages). My parents did their best fullfilling all their rituals & customs.. We even went to their city with all my relatives for the marriage... How difficult it is to do that only a girls side can understand.. My in-laws had made the arrangements & my father paid for all. They invited more than 1000 people as baratis...

My husband's aunt ( Mother's sister) behaved very badly with my mother.. SHe made my parents pay very high amounts for all rituals which could have been done with a penny to complete the custom.. All these goes to the MIL ..
After my marriage I had to stay alone with my in-laws for 1 month & my husband had to join back to work.. SInce I had left my previous job I was yet to find a new job.. My life was hell during this 1 month... I had to get up early 5 or 6 in the morning & work late night .. doing all house tasks , cooking, washing dishes,etc.
My in laws are very wealthy family... they earn in lacks still have a very narrow heart... They are always trying to manipulate & snatch money from us & give it to their daughter.
My SIL also had a love marriage but same caste.. They gave all in dowry form car to needle.. & I had to pay hard for things..

Always my MIL & SIL indirectly will taunt me... MIL is so possive about her son that she cannot peacefully tolerate him with me... She wants me to stay with her & do all household tasks like a maid & her son will earn & send money which she will enjoy...

My MIL mother is a regular visitor there.. They will seat & chat for hours starting complaints with my MIL's bhabis & ending on me...
My SIL although married stays 11 months with her son & husband in our house..

We are trying for a baby since last 2 years but it has not yet happened... Went for check up's all are perfetcly normal with both of us.... I went to my inlaws place & stayed for 1 month to get all check ups done.. My MIL treated me very very bad .. To give them respect insteda of going to my parents house i went to them... When i am there I could'nt sleep at night fearing if I get up late MIL will create scene.. whole day I had to slog so hard... she never bothered to ask me for food also.. DOctor did a laproscopic test to check if everything was ok.. so I had 2 stitches in my stomach & was advised bed rest for a week ... when we went to see the doctor i had so many question regarding my reports just eager to know what is the problem my MIL had only 1 question .."When can she start working" .. ANything that happens my in-laws will find some strign to attach it to me & blame me for it,,,
Since last 2 months I am noticing very abnormal things. My husband who is a ver good person by heart & loves & respects both set of parents very much is suffering from strange anxiety & depression attacks... He says he always gets his sister & mother in his mind... He does not have peace in mind.... he is spending sleepless night..vI got all check up done for him his BP is slightly high otherwise ECG & other reports are normal..
My husband says the moment he feels like coming close to me or at night he feels like having sex with me he gets a strange feeling & gets his sister in mind and prefers to stay away from me... DO i believe that they have done some jadu tona on him to create distance inbetween us.. Last 2 months for all nonsense reasons we are fighting... there is no peace between us.. life seems so hell....

Now all the way from a differnt country my husband is flying to meet his parents to satisfy them that he is fine.... They are very superstious & arrial type of people they only want their ego to win...

Please suggest friend how do I manage the situation.. things are killing me... I love my husband very much & we have all that we need to leave a happy life only proplem is uneccesary interference from my in-laws.. whenever they call or my husband talks to them we always have sever fights & they talk 2 or 3 times a week for min 40 min each time..

Eagerly waiting for your response

kma · Jan 11, 2010

Regarding check ups- why did you go to your MIL's place to get the check up? You can do it as well where you are. In Singapore, plenty of good doctors. Why create so much tension for yourself? Even if your husband insists, convince him that you would feel more comfortable in your own place. Be a good DIL but dont go overboard in trying to please them. Pregnancy and delivery are times when you have look at what is good for you and your baby. Nobody will give you medals later for your sacrifices.

If your husband treats you well here and your problems arise only when you go there, the best thing is not to discuss the phone calls too much if they are not involving you directly. Ignore their existence. Please move on from the old issues which happened during your wedding. They will spoil your mental peace only. Divert your mind to more pleasant things. I wish and pray that your husband will soon get rid of his tensions. The time when are TTC is already stressful and you people should ensure that you do not add up any more to that. Take nice vacations.

This is JMO. You will get very good suggestions from more experienced ILites.

Best of luck for your TTC.

ShilpaMa · Jan 11, 2010

baby... it seemed as if I was reliving my maariage & pre baby days from what all u narrated here... I guess rajasthan/ haryaana culture never dies even if ppl live in metros for decades. It just intesifies cos they cant decide what to do.. to behave cultured like ppl in metro or to fulfill their requirements which they saw from birth.

However they still ensure to make my life hell & ruin my peace.. even after babies... mine had already decided to get rid of me (becos of no baby till yr 3 & endless marraige gift issues) & hence they've just made up their mind against me.. whatever I do. Both of us actually never realised that she can go so wild when we were thinking that we still have loads of time to reproduce & invest our current days into sight seeing and holidaying... before being burdened with babies & baby sitting.

How I got over with it.. thankfully delivered babies.. how n when u get babies is also a matter of time... since our relationship condition was so severely hit that we'd decided to adopt one if nothing worked out in next few mnths from the time my MIL threatened me for divorce on this ground.
Secondly.. leave the DH with enuff space.. anything u feel is instigating you to argue with him.. just get out of his sight.. remaining quiet & calm will only help you
If u start thinking in lines of jadoo tona.. u urself will loose ur sanity... might as well conentrate on astrological remedies... birth stones.. specific homas (if u believe in that), Times music sacred chants.. whichever brings peace to you. Its not entirely possible to get over with ILs wicked comments but bringing peace to your own mind will give peace to ur DH.. who's constantly being fuelled...
Such ILs keep fuelling their sons for constant fights in matrimonial home to again use this reason as ground for divorce. My MIL does this to date & tells my DH that this can be used as a valid reason.

rosegirl · Jan 12, 2010

Why are you putting up with this crap. Join your husband and do all the checkups there peacfully or go to your parents place and do it. If your dh is as loving and sweet as you say, I dont think he will stop you.

You inlaws are not going to change. Thats for sure. You need to develop some courage and stop your interaction with them.

goodluck