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Discussion in 'Married Life' started by ProudIndian, Sep 5, 2018.

  1. ProudIndian

    ProudIndian Gold IL'ite

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    Yes exactly my point. But these people have self made these rules that they have to keep giving dowry to daughters whole life. That's why girl infanticide is highest in their area. My sil proudly told me she checked baby's gender during second pregnancy. If it was girl they had to abort baby. I was so shocked to hear that.
     
  2. ProudIndian

    ProudIndian Gold IL'ite

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    My husband keep defending himself as older son it's his duty to fulfill his parents wishes. I don't mind supporting old parents regular expenses (they both were less than 50 when we got married). We have been supporting them. But why extravaganza gifts, luxury vacations for sil and her extended big joint family when we struggle to pay our basic necessities?
     
  3. poovai

    poovai Platinum IL'ite

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    PI,

    Don't spoil your health by worrying about the future.

    I put the blame on my fate and moved on. Since there are 3-siblings after me, there was never even a thought of separation. There could 100 other reasons in life that could go wrong, it is the least of the problem.
     
    ProudIndian, nakshatra1 and Laks09 like this.
  4. Rakhii

    Rakhii Moderator IL Hall of Fame

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    because your husband has a complex. He thinks that if he doesnt provide them luxuries, they will not reciprocate his love (he is most probably correct). So, he buys their affection.

    He just needs to decide how much he is willing to spend to buy their affection.
     
  5. nakshatra1

    nakshatra1 Platinum IL'ite

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    I can understand how much it hurts when u feel ur in-laws don't love ur husband the way they love their daughters.
    It is easy to divorce, but if u really love ur DH then stay and fight don't leave him.. already his family is exploitative , if u will also leave him then that is wrong . He is ur life partner of so many years nd father of your kids.
    The alternative easier option is to separate ur bank account and take ur salary expenses into ur own hands . As others suggested , do the 6 funds thing and ask him to contribute and be very adamant about it. If u can hire a financial adviser to speak to ur DH that would be great .

    I will never advice u to leave job . If u leave job, tomorrow u will have nothing. If u have health issues then hire help at home and ask ur DH to share the costs and also.ask.him.to help u equally with all chores .
    The key is to manage ur own salary and make sure none of ur money is spent on others luxuries . Pay ur share for daily expenses , rest you save for kids education , your retirement etc

    If u really believe in ur heart that he doesn't care about u or his kids and will gladly exploit u all for sister's luxuries then go ahead and divorce . But that should be last resort .
     
    Last edited: Sep 13, 2018
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  6. ProudIndian

    ProudIndian Gold IL'ite

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    If I divorce he will remarry. I don't want to remarry. So it's better I live separate when kids r little older. He is begging for long time not to divorce, I should understand him etc etc. But now there is no love respect left. We both have emotional, physical needs. But I want him to suffer rest of life. Whenever I wanted anything he tortured me so be it. I stopped doing many things which I was doing to make him happy like entertaining his friends, family, relatives, going out with him etc. I feel bad about it but no choice now.
     
    Last edited: Sep 13, 2018
  7. ProudIndian

    ProudIndian Gold IL'ite

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    Thank you all for your time and suggestions
     
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  8. nakshatra1

    nakshatra1 Platinum IL'ite

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    I am shocked by your reply. I can only sense your deepest feelings of exploitation , regrets and helplessness. I will pray that you get peace in life and your problems get solved.
     
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  9. Gallant

    Gallant Silver IL'ite

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    OP:

    My situation is somewhat similar to you, but from your husband's side...
    I'm married for 13 years and have a 11 year old girl.
    I came to this country on work permit. I brought my wife here after marriage...got her -right from DL to SSN, work permit based on my immigration dependent status and after several years she completed her masters, got a good job and became financially independent.
    I always send money to my family in India - my parents, my sisters, and sometimes to my cousin brother and friends...all on need basis only, mostly for medical expenses like surgeries, education purposes for their kids, etc, not for spending lavishly. Sometimes I send some gifts also like mobile phones, etc., We had lot of arguments, fights etc...not only on these issues but other issues too, mostly the problem originate from my MIL. From my side, I also did so many mistakes. We even went for counselling several times and based on the counsellor's advice, I changed myself and followed his instructions.
    When my wife was not started earning, we had a joint bank account...all my cc, transactions are fully transparent. My wife had access to my email accounts also...once she got a job, she had a separate bank account, all her transactions, cc statements, emails and everything was private...right from the beginning.
    My MIL is a home-wrecker and my wife is a puppet to her, she blindly listens to her mother. All my wife's salary is being handled by my MIL and I don't even know what is happening.
    I know that my wife started doing all these things because she felt (and my MIL), I would take her money and send it to my parents and sisters. My wife several times quarelled with my mother that the property I own in India would not come to her. I asked my wife why she was not content with the money she is earning? I told her to take care of her parents and I would take care of my parents. Also I told her, not to let her mother to poke nose in each and every matter. My mil wants to control me just like she is controlling her henpecked-husband. My wife never spends a single penny for me and expects to take the family expenses all by myself so that I can't send money to my parents, sisters, friends, etc.
    Because of these kind of problems, she got separated from me 4 years back...and now after getting gc thru me, recently she applied for divorce in India. I don't even know why she applied in India.
    I tried my best to explain everything to her myself, thru my friends and relatives...but my wife is not at all listening to anyone, so adamant...I even apologized...to come and live together just for the sake of our kid...nothing working out...she blocked my phone and not even allowing to talk to my daughter. My daughter is so attached to me.
    There is a limit to selfishness and greediness at the cost of breaking a family, for money...if not I support my family in India, who will support? Now my question is (for my wife too), do you really live in peace?
     
    Last edited: Sep 18, 2018
  10. nakshatra1

    nakshatra1 Platinum IL'ite

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    Firstly, I sympathise with you especially ur daughter. But just one thing I wanted to say, please don't think I'm biased because I would give same advice to all irrespective of gender.

    No good wife will say no to husband sending money for his parents for medical expenses . If she did she is absolutely wrong.

    But sending money to sisters? cousin brothers? friends?
    As a married man don't u think it's ur duty to discuss together with wife before sending money to others' families? Why were u sending mobile phones and other expensive gifts? Is that really justified if ur spouse has issues with that? And why u are paying for their kids' education? Are they not capable for paying for their kids' education? You sisters and their husband should be responsible for their own kids' education.If you have those kind of responsibilities u get married only to someone who will agree to all this before marriage .

    What's the use of so-called access when u anyway did whatever u wanted without her concurrence?


    If u have bought property in India, it should automatically come to u right? Why ur wife felt insecure?? Maybe u gave some indication that it could be spent on your sisters instead or go to someone else? U should have simply assured her that ur property will be urs only instead of asking her to be contented with her salary!!definitely fishy .......

    Still I agree she did absolutely wrong to deprive her own family and send her entire salary to her parents. No loving spouse would ever do that.That's very strange and highly selfish and weird. The only explanation it seems she was already planning divorce that's why she sent all her money to her parents for safe-keep as an escape fund. I despise people who keep escape fund like that- an absolute breach of trust . .Maybe she was already fed up with your irresponsible spending and decided to quit long back.But being so sneaky is absolutely wrong and immoral . It is really despicable what she did .Now only option is to go for a clean divorce and make sure ur daughter does not suffer in the process.



    P.S There is nothing wrong in doing charity or helping others. It's good to pay for others' kids' education if they are poor. It is very admirable. But are ur sister/cousins/ friends really poor people? Mobile phones etc is not charity.
    If u are so good at heart and u can give to sister without expecting back, then u should have extended same generosity to wife and provided for her and her (ur) kid without expecting her salary. Then I would have admired u as a really generous large hearted person. Ur wife would also not have fought with u as she would be free to save for ur retirement and kid and emergency. Having double standard for sister and wife is not correct.
    Charity must be done to the poor, not to sister; else it is called as patriarchal system bro(and his wife) giving dowry to married sister.Your wife left because she did not want to be part of an exploitative system.



     
    Last edited: Sep 18, 2018
    Deborah, ProudIndian and yellowmango like this.

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