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Discussion in 'Married Life' started by ProudIndian, Sep 5, 2018.

  1. shravs3

    shravs3 IL Hall of Fame

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    Sending gifts as per traditions to your SIL is her parent's headache. I may be sounding rude but Why should you or your DH waste your hard earned money for her family! Will they come and help you guys when you are in need??
    Unless we are very firm and strict about our salary DH won't listen.
    I think as per suggestions given above its high time you need to get control over your salary and save for the future!
     
  2. dhivyacc

    dhivyacc Silver IL'ite

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    Following ... for inputs
     
  3. pinky2cute

    pinky2cute Platinum IL'ite

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    Married over 20yrs is a long time to know about your dh and inlaws behaviour.

    Shortest advice- open new ac and do nit share details with anyone. Save your salary.
    Contribute a part for house expenses if needed else let dh tkcr of all that and help his family with his salary after 1st fulfilling your household n kids responsibilities.

    P.S. married over 20yrs and contemplating divorce just over this issue is not good.
    Handle your finances than thinking about divorce.
     
    Last edited: Sep 6, 2018
    ProudIndian, shravs3 and dhivyacc like this.
  4. pinky2cute

    pinky2cute Platinum IL'ite

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    Hi,
    Since you already took a good step of separating you account,
    Now leave the past.themoney gone is gone. You cant cant fight lose your peace over the money that you eill never see again.

    Just stop feeding the parasites from your money. Let dh take hold of all the household responsibilities and then give left over to his family.

    You save it for emergency funds, kids future and invest in some policies and tell him u hvno money to gv.
     
  5. chocolate

    chocolate Platinum IL'ite

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    Op, Story of life of NRI or sons who earn well or have wife who earns well. Parents find a way to milk sons of money and gifts. Daughters getting lion's share is age old norm in Indian Households.You need to take harsh decision.

    Separate your accounts and stop paying any bills. Tell your husband you are worried about your own kids and your future. If he can bear foolish expenses of sister and ILs , he can bear your genuine expenses. Be prepared for showdowns, outbursts and point blank I cant afford. Turn deaf to everything. Dont budge and hubby will feel the crunch. You shud have done this a long time ago.

    My MIL too will bend over backwards to fill SIL's pockets. When MIL passed my SIL walked away with all my IL's gold, silver( silver we got in our wedding too) and bank deposits. But we are the bad people becoz we didn't do enough for SIL. We were ourselves struggling here and cudnt afford to fill bottomless pit called SIL.I got an inkling how evil IL's and SIL can be when SIL got me a lousy saree in engagement and walked out with a designer saree in our reception. All paid my husband. But came up with story that we dont celebrate engagement as a big issue.My MIL time and again reminded to buy for SIL anytime.

    Unless we do something the madness called filling IL's pockets or SIL will go on forever. Ultimately we become bitter and resentful. But we also can do something by attempting.Think about all this . Otherwise you will end up workig till you are 70-75.Good Luck.
     
    ProudIndian and Urmila like this.
  6. ProudIndian

    ProudIndian Gold IL'ite

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    Thank you Chocolate and all. You are right. Whenever I try to stop giving dowry, extravaganza gifts to his sister every now and then there is so much drama, silent treatments, anger bursts. It spoils home environment and affects kids. When I tell my kids that I want to separate from their dad they cry and hate me. I keep thinking about past events and feel so agitated. If God exist then why these things are happening to innocent people. Sister in law is extremely greedy and think we have so much money. She never worked but feel I must work because in America people get easy money. They all feel people living abroad have very easy luxurious life and money grows on trees. I am now thinking to tell all his relatives about this and see what happens. Why should only I suffer quietly
     
    Last edited: Sep 12, 2018
  7. Viswamitra

    Viswamitra IL Hall of Fame

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    @ProudIndian,

    What you need to do is to do a budget for the following:

    1 - Children's education
    2 - Children's marriage fund
    3 - Life Insurance for both of you
    4 - Retirement Fund
    5 - Plan for paying back house and car loans
    6 - Emergency fund, in case if any of you get sick or loose job

    Demand a meeting with your husband to discuss the future plan. Never talk about his family, SIL, etc. Ask him to come up with a solution to save $X total for all the items above and show how you arrived at those numbers.

    If he throws up his hand, tell him, he needs to become responsible towards his children and your post retirement future. Tell him anything he spends on travel to India, spending for the family, etc. should be from discretionary fund set up separately after allocating funds for all 6 above. You need to educate your children about these thoughts that you are doing it in their best interest. After all that, if you husband doesn't change, you may have to make a decision as to which direction you like to go.

    God bless you, your husband and children for a better life together.

    Viswa
     
    ProudIndian and poovai like this.
  8. ProudIndian

    ProudIndian Gold IL'ite

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    Thank you For your reply. I tried doing this and he keep avoiding any counselling. He shows there is no problem, everything is great, I habe harmonies issues so I think negative etc etc.

    My husband regularly send money for fil expenses apart from sil marriage, bil business setup, buying furniture for in laws house, sil regular gifts, luxury vacations. Recently when his father was diagnosed with cancer he had to borrow money from relatives and my husband settled that loan. My mil and sil always shout on me how much fil has worked hard to give education to my husband.
     
  9. Sunshine04

    Sunshine04 Platinum IL'ite

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    Isnt giving education a duty of parents. Hasn't the son repaid it back many times more.
    Didn't he give education to the daughter as well??
     
    ProudIndian and nakshatra1 like this.
  10. poovai

    poovai Platinum IL'ite

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    Been there and it is beyond explainable. These are one of a kind humans... get the best from the us but, their loyalty is some where else as if born to serve them. Trying to prove something to their side of family..... in my case, DH 'married me against his family' and may be, he was trying to prove it to them, he didn't change after marriage?

    The best I can describe my DH's behavior, as if the squirrel running away with nuts. Statistically 80% of the time, it will not find it again? Why, it continued to do
    rest of its life?

    [​IMG]
     
    Last edited: Sep 13, 2018
    ProudIndian and nakshatra1 like this.

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