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Discussion in 'Married Life' started by ProudIndian, Sep 5, 2018.

  1. ProudIndian

    ProudIndian Gold IL'ite

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    I m working mom, married for more than 20 years living abroad. My husband and in laws are so crazy after my sil, keep giving dowry every month. She is married for 18 years. My husband send all our hard earned saving for her marriage. She had very grand wedding. After wedding also my in laws give her gold coin, luxury vacations and many expensive gifts for which my husband pays bill from my saving. In laws give gold coins on sil birthday, anniversary, her husband's and kids birthday, every festival like Diwali, rakhi, holi, navratri etc. They were living in one small room whole life and had no money for their mefical treatment. When I argue show my frustration they say it's tradition. Whatever they have earned its for their daughter blah blah. We are just their atm machine. Me and my husband had so many fights over this. We are close to 50 but still have whole house loan, car loan. If I divorce my kids will get affected. I m working with so many health problems and feel anxious about our future. What should I do?
     
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  2. ProudIndian

    ProudIndian Gold IL'ite

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    My in laws never gave singal penny to me or my kids. They don't love my husband the way they love their daughter. When I took break from job when our first kid was born mil was shouting on us from where money for sil s gifts, vacations will come. My husband gets very stressed when I talk about leaving job for kids or my health issues. I am thinking divorce for long time. But me and kids will be affected and in laws will continue same thing. Why should only we suffer because of their crimes? I feel very depressed, frustrated because of all this. I curse then every second.
     
  3. DDream

    DDream Finest Post Winner

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    Its a tough situation. What you can do is, open a new bank account only for you and transfer the salary every month to this account. Dont share this account details or password with him. At least you will have control over your money and you can save it. Actions speaks volumes that talk. Be firm on it and be strong . Face it with courage. It is better to try it than thinking about divorce over this issue.

    But you have also have to contribute to family expenses as it will be difficult to manage everything by him. You can transfer money to join account for monthly expenses or joint savings or expenses. Rest you can save in your own account. [ If you earn 40% of the total income, contribute 40% only to total expense- an ideal situation, but you can decide what works for you]

    Then tell your husband that he can help his parents or sister,you dont have any issue with that. But you are worried about future and kids. What if we loose job or sick? Who is going to pay for kids education. who is going to support you. In that case you dont want to depend on others. Thats the reason why you are saving your hard earned money.

    Tell him that before helping he has to first take care of your family first, then he can do whatever he wants to help his family with rest of the money. He has to contribute to monthly expenses and savings. But, if he runs out of money don't ask you for it. Tell him if he do this way, you will also give it your side. In that case don't fight with you. If he takes care of these then dont worry much, as its his responsibility too to take care his parents or do whatever for his family.

    If PILs are not giving anything to you or kids, how can we force them. If you feel like giving anything, you give, If not, thats also fine. Let dh deal with their side. In this case you know them, so dont expect anything or worry thinking over it. Use your money to buy whatever you want. you have to save for yourself too as we dont know what is in store for us in future. Save very well to your retirement funds also by increasing the percentage contribution. Please dont think about giving up your job. Job is your life saver.

    If he dont listen to you, what else you can do. Just fight and loose your peace of mind? You cannot control others, but you can control you, and your actions. So be smart, save your money, take control of your finances, focus on you and kids.
     
    Last edited: Sep 6, 2018
    Mehana, nakshatra1, Agathinai and 3 others like this.
  4. poovai

    poovai Platinum IL'ite

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    PI,

    Your marriage life is very similar to many NRIs. I used to depend on my DH when it comes to fiance / paying bills. But, when it started impacting our son's future /education, I took it very seriously.

    I kept my salary in separate account and made it very clear, it is off-limit. If needed, I lend money to DH and take it back into my account. Told my DH, 'Do the best you can to feed and shelter us' and didn't give any part of my income. Invested in local bank to protect the capital, eventually DH understood my point. Of course, it didn't happen over night or without arguments but, I didn't listen any part of his 'stories'.

    It's up to you to take a stand for yourself. Here, we cannot depend on our kids after retirement, it is not like in India. A decent medical plan after retirement will cost 1.5 to 2K, monthly. Even now, it is not too late , you have another 15+ years to save money / invest wisely.

    Folks in India, including my mom has double standard when it comes to money. Their view is, 'free money' to spend for their luxury life. They don't understand the work load, stress, managing kid(s) 24x7, watching over saving pennies before buying from local groceries.
     
    Last edited: Sep 6, 2018
    Agathinai, Laks09 and BeingSoulful like this.
  5. MalStrom

    MalStrom IL Hall of Fame

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    This will likely cause unpleasantness with your husband and in-laws but the first step is to separate your bank account. Then start locking up your money into plans like 401k, IRA, Roth etc. Once you put money into these plans you cannot withdraw it without penalty till almost age 60. Also make sure you keep a liquid emergency savings account. Have you established college savings plans for your children?
    Once all this is done tell your husband to manage giving to his family with what is left. Ask him whether his sister plans to pay for your kids college or your retirement.
     
  6. Rakhii

    Rakhii Moderator IL Hall of Fame

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    OP, let me tell you this, the going rate in a assisted living senior home is $7,500 upwards a MONTH in Canada. I just did a research for a family friends mom.
    say you live past 75, do you have money? where will you go??

    TODAY itself, separate the bank accounts.
     
    SinghManisha likes this.
  7. ProudIndian

    ProudIndian Gold IL'ite

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    Thank you all for replies. After so many fights, stress I separated my account. But had to pay for all vacations, house downpayment, kids college account etc. Not able to save much. Every time we go India my husband take expensive gifts for his sister and her extended joint family. My in laws and husband treat them like gods and keep buttering praising them all the time. I try to save money everywhere and work hard but no appreciation. I don't want anything from pil, just want my saving back
     
    nakshatra1 and pinky2cute like this.
  8. Rakhii

    Rakhii Moderator IL Hall of Fame

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    kiss your already spent money goodbye OP. That is not coming back.
    what does he do with his money? For the longest time, mine didnt realise that I am spending equal amount of money on various household expenses. Can you meet a financial adviser along with him and discuss your retirement plans? That maybe an eye opener to him.
     
    SinghManisha, pinky2cute and shravs3 like this.
  9. ProudIndian

    ProudIndian Gold IL'ite

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    I keep getting all past memories and give me so much stress. My husband says he loves me and kids and I m breaking our loving family by bringing this unpleasant topic. I don't have problem with him supporting his old parents. My problem is spending on sil and her extended big joint family. They all are aware about out fights. In laws keep saying in their community daughter should get everything from parents house whole life that annoys me so much
     
  10. MalStrom

    MalStrom IL Hall of Fame

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    Tell your husband that all your salary will go to savings from now on and he can manage the household expenses out of his income, including gifts. Ageism is very real in America. If one of you loses a job then it is harder to find a comparable well-paying job as you get older. Will these people come to help you then? Seeing a financial advisor might open his eyes.
     

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