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Please suggest some solution

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by sss, Mar 3, 2008.

  1. sss

    sss New IL'ite

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    I am married for 5 years and had two kids(Girls). Ours is a arranged marriage and we both are from middle class. Right now i am staying at home and looking after my kids.

    Before the marriage itself ..my hus told about his family financial dependence on him. I said its ok at that time. But that is causing the big trouble in my life nowdays.

    Coming to my hus side they are 6 siblings including my hus. He is the only one who stays in abroad. After coming here(US)and before our marriage he built a house for his parnets and deposited some money on sisters name and parents name and bought some fields on FIL'S name.After the marriage
    he sent some money for buying fields,children studies.Everything was fine with me. Even i came from middle class so i know the value of education and nevermind to give money. Recently he sent 11k$ without my notice.That was a big shock to me. I found a bank DD while cleaning the car glove box. I confronted him. he got shock and made up some stories
    spontaneously.

    Coming to my hus nature he is a good guy, very hard working,kind hearted,no bad habits with very high short temper and stubborn.I am the one who has to bare & suffer his temper on daily basis. During our quarrels I told him several times like..its ok for me if you give money to education,Health.etc. But you have to set some limits. He said what is the limit...I don't set any limits ..ALL ARE EQUAL FOR ME...I don't listen to your words.This is the same answer he is giving me everytime.

    He is having very few friends. and whenever i compare with his friends [regarding money]he says don't compare with anybody and i won't listen or follow anybody. I will do whatever i want to do.

    We are planning to go back to India in 3-4 yrs.Whenever i think of my kids future i feel very insecured and helpless and scared.. What I don't understand is his nature of ALL ARE EQUAL FOR ME... Is any one behaving like this.

    Please suggest some solutions to me only beacause he won't listen to anybody. I am open to any suggestion so that they can make my life peacefull and happy.

    Thanks for reading,
    Neeta.
     
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  2. ansh12

    ansh12 Bronze IL'ite

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    HI Neeta

    I don't find anything wrong in shelling out moeny, if he behaves as a responsible husband as well as father. If he is taking care of all your needs, this thing should not bug you.

    But, she shouldn't have hidden the truth from you.

    Please, don't compare yourself with anyone. many times people conceal reality and give a rosy picture of their marital life.

    Only the wearer knows where the shoe pinches.

    Best wishes
    Ansh
     
  3. SoaringSpirit

    SoaringSpirit Silver IL'ite

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    Hi Neeta,

    I can understand your concerns about your finances. One cannot deny the importance of adequate money in our life. So yes, it should be taken care of.

    I agree with Ansh that as long as your husband is shouldering his responsibilities as father and husband well, do not bother yourself much about the other things.

    I think to make yourself comfortable or to make your husband understand, you must do a few things. You have to equip yourself with some real data and information based on which you can assess whether you should worry about your husband’s spending or not.

    First and foremost, define for yourself what it means to “take good care of financial needs”? How much money do you really need for your daily living and for the future? How much do want to save for your kids’ education, how much money for their wedding, your retirement, your future medical needs etc. Get a financial planner who will do this whole exercise for you. Do not venture doing it on your own unless you are certified financial planner yourself. This exercise will give you an incredible amount of clarity about where you stand financially and where you want to be and what it will take to get there. It will also serve as a goal setting exercise for you and your husband to save for your needs appropriately. I cannot stress the importance of this exercise enough.

    Second thing I’d suggest you do is define (again for yourself) what is too much and what is not too much for your husband to spend on his family. Be honest to yourself and put down a reason why an expense is classified as ok or not ok. This will give you clarity on what areas you think need to be worked on by your hubby. Generally telling your husband to not spend more on his side of the family is not going to help you. You have to be specific what you have a problem with. And, you also will have to substantiate your suggestion by showing that the expense he is making has some kind of a side/negative impact on your own finances or may be your family life (because your husband is working harder/longer to make the money thereby sacrificing precious time with family) etc.

    Without data and facts to discuss about, it is difficult to show your husband how exactly the spending is impacting your kids and the family.

    Once you do the first part of taking stock of your present and future finances, I can tell you that a huge part of the battle will already be won. No one likes to see their present and future in jeopardy.

    Good luck.

    SS
     
  4. Ishita1031

    Ishita1031 New IL'ite

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    dear frend wat u can do is u can go for a job whr in u can earn quiet sm amount of money n tht money can b saved for ur chlidren s future. in tht way ur hubby also wont mind n also let him manages the way he wants to manage. one or d other day he wil understand. always hav sm backup. jus tel him briefly abt ur income n dont giv all d details to him.
     
  5. rosenav

    rosenav Silver IL'ite

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    Hey i cant agree less with your situation...... the best thing you could do is, when you are in good mood try to talk to your husband abt investing on your little girls like fixed depositing and these days you get these polices to invest on kid education and marriage.. you could talk or email to leading banks in <?xml:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:eek:ffice:smarttags" /><st1:country-region><st1:place>India</st1:place></st1:country-region> and there financial consultants will get in touch with you and do all the paper work as well.

    I suggest the same to my husband, now he has more investments in your future and a lump some of his salaries goes out for this.. so I’m sure now he is not spending unnecessarily...

    You got to be diplomatic and get you work done.. Sounds dumb, but you have to foot down sometimes... at lease by this you would secure the future of your kids.

    Rose

     
  6. roopadadia

    roopadadia Silver IL'ite

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    Hi Neeta,

    I can very well understand your concern. As SS has mentioned...do a financial analysis and gather data before plunging into anything.

    Fighting never takes anyone anywhere...but rather leave a bad taste. So instead of fighting pen down your feelings in a diary ...don't write anything bad or negative about your husband...appreciate what all he does and then ink your concerns as well. Keep writing in such a way...that you are being secretive...this will lead your husband to take it and read what ever you are writing. This works well when you are unable to reason out with your husband verbally...this will set his mind ticking. Even while penning your concerns write more about your kids future and medical emergencies and if you are aware of any unrealised dreams of your husband...then mention that too.

    See if this helps.

    Warm regards
    Roopa.
     
  7. sonu1973

    sonu1973 New IL'ite

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    Hi

    I dont agree with ur husband sending so much money back home....he has 2 girls to think about first....i dont understand this mentality at all that a son has to go to a foreign country and support about 20 people back home....are they not old enough to support themseleves?
    It out of order that ur husband is hiding from u how much he has sent...does he put aside any money for ur daughters? it is expensive these days to support children and a home life too...i think u need to sit down and talk to him and tell him that he cant keep on sending lots of money like this..
    Are any of his siblings married?
    He is diong so much for them but trust me in the long run he will get a slap in the face as people are selfish and as long as ur husband is sending money for them ur husband will be nice for them but the day he stops he will be the worst person on this world....
    Tell me has ur husband bought his daughters in the world so that when they are older they will have to support u and ur husband...
    I think maybe u should get a job if u can and put aside money for urself and ur daughters because when u are in bad times no one will help u trust me even though ur husband is helping his family so much they will not help him when he is stuck...its a selfish world out there and u have to look out for urself....

    take care good luckMy 2cents
     
  8. jasminerule

    jasminerule Junior IL'ite

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    wow, Let me just start off by saying that you are not the only one with this problem. The most important thing for Indian in India is to show off their wealth at their children's expense. My in-laws also doing exactly the same thing. They want to buy 150 sqf 30 years old house for 70K, can you believe it? They keep bugging my husband days and nights and my mother-in law will tell my husband that he's incapable, he should have been a street sweeper not an engineer when he said no to buying that house. He has sent so much money home from his sisters marriage to more than 10K to fix the house yet they are not satisfied. Even with that my mother-in-law will continuously telling him that they never depend on him????? what is that????:coffee

    This is the same problem with everybody overboard and I am so sick and tired of it. Fortunately, my husband is very sensible guy, he loves his family but does not give in to ridiculous demand.

    I hope you feel better because we all facing the same thing.
     
  9. roopadadia

    roopadadia Silver IL'ite

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    Yes jasmine...if husbands are sensible the the battle is half won. But you find very few in this species.

    So the best thing to do is, on accasions try to buy / invest for long term...i.e on b'days, anniversary, diwali etc.

    This is also one way of securing the future.
     
  10. sss

    sss New IL'ite

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    Thanks for all your suggestions.

    I'll follow each one LETS SEE HOW IT WORKS.

    Neeta
     

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