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Please suggest me How I should proceed further with my life..

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by silentlotus, Jul 9, 2012.

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Jul 9, 2012 #1
silentlotus Senior IL'ite

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Dear ladies,
kindly suggest me on I should proceed my life..
I'm an optimistic person who believes in God as well as who wishes to put the efforts sincerely.I got married in 2006 at the age of 23. We are childless for now. Initially my husband was not romantic, affectionate or helping towards me but now he is(after understanding me completely). The reason was my inlaws and sil esp. He was educated that way constantly before and after marriage. In 2008, I was targeted as the reason due to my dysmenorrhoea and undergone diagnostic laparoscopy and blood tests. My results were fine and after much persuasion my husband went for SA(Semen Analysis). It revealed low sperm counts and hormone levels. He was much disappointed. But me and my family were very supportive to his feelings. We did not even disclose it to his parents/siblings. At many circumstances with my family/friends surroundings I have always been a puzzle since I had never revealed regarding my treatments or what I was actually feeling. I have also faced the humiliation as a childless indian married woman.So never I poke my nose for congratulating for pregnancy/babyshower/newborn/babies for their first bday since I was considered a bad omen unless I'm invited. But I love children and being with them is always a pleasure for me.
Fine, Along with our doctor we sorted out the reasons and made all necessary life style changes. My husband used to be very adamant and I had fight to make him understand. Now at 2012 he is with normal sperm count but at times if he doesnt follow it becomes abnormal. So far I had undergone 8 cycles of clomid, 2 iui's, 1 ivf and 1 normal pregnancy ended at miscarriage in 6 weeks. Every time I come for vacation to my parents place, i went for these treatments. So accordingly I was on rest. I'm always blamed for not staying at my inlaws house as its in another place. Before 2008 I used to stay there. But they knew that I'm undergoing treatment and are not supportive. Gossiping and backbiting are their interests.Regular idiopathic inlaws! I resigned my job last year to undergo treatment. Even considered adoption which was not accepted by my husband. He is scared of his sibling esp my sil(a leech in the form of elder sister). Atlast we disclosed the truth only this year since my inlaws convictions on me were intolerable. Still we believe this is not known to my sil or bil not sure.My fil, HOD and vice principal in a college and mil a home maker(with all medical problems). Now my father a doctor and mother a home maker.Still My parents though are very loving and supportive to my treatments are not ready to speak behalf of me to my inlaws. Since they wish for the relationship to be smooth. I was with my husband when he was not loving towards me. But now he is very loving but we are frequently apart from each other. People think I'm wantedly away without caring about my husband.But we always call each other or go for video chats. I dont even go for chats/facebook in the fear of meeting the people. Always advices/referring poojas etc etc. I do regularly pray recite mantras but also put efforts based on science. How should I face this here after since my recent iui also ended as a failure. I'm losing my belief on relationships. At times I feel even my husband's love for me is false. Thinking of attempting suicide but at the same time my mind says if I have the guts to die why not try to live. Once If I get any problems due my d&c's or anything goes wrong will my husband be supportive to me / will he abandon me? I dont have the answer. What should I do further. Please help.

Last edited: Jul 9, 2012

silentlotus, Jul 9, 2012

silentlotus, Jul 9, 2012

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Jul 9, 2012 #2

tulipzz Platinum IL'ite

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Hugs...I don't know what to say. My husband too doesn't make mefeel loved. Ive been married for 5 yrs and I am still in doubt if he loves me. I too feel very sad sometimes

tulipzz, Jul 9, 2012

tulipzz, Jul 9, 2012

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Jul 9, 2012 #3

silentlotus Senior IL'ite

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tulipzz said: ↑

Hugs...I don't know what to say. My husband too doesn't make mefeel loved. Ive been married for 5 yrs and I am still in doubt if he loves me. I too feel very sad sometimes
Click to expand...

Me 6 yrs but that doesnt seems to possess any meaning! I dont know whether i shall continue with treatment further or stop and continue to live my life and start searching for job! Have cried enough! Just feeling blank!

silentlotus, Jul 9, 2012

silentlotus, Jul 9, 2012

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Jul 9, 2012 #4

freddycat Platinum IL'ite

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Dear OP,

Since your father is a dr and it is to your advantage. You have good moral support from your parents. Can you imagine, sitting at the dr's office with unknown people for treatment.

It is time, your parents should have a talk with ILs along with your DH's presence. It is no point in taking cover or hiding the truth and unnecessarily accepting the blame on you.

You are from dr's family, I don't have to say much to you....you are very young and DH should know the importance of medical advise, to follow the treatment. In general, stress is a major factor and that could be one of the factors for not responding to the treatments.

Your DH may be having mixed feelings about himself, feeling sad, inferior and even think, he doesn't deserve you. He could show that on you some times as anger, love and even, may feel distant from you. You need each other support/love during the hard times and try to stay to together when you both take treatments.

Think positive and everything will be fine, soon.

GL

freddycat, Jul 9, 2012

freddycat, Jul 9, 2012

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Jul 9, 2012 #5

introspection Silver IL'ite

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Hi there, I'm not qualified to make a judgement, but have to say one thing, do not think about killing yourself or thinking along those lines, just because of being childless ... in today's stress related life couples willingly or not willingly do not have kids..... and we have all seen the number increasing.

Yeah you do feel bad ... but this is not the be all and end all of life .... having kids ! .... think logically .... not cynically ....probably we all think emotionally at some point ... which makes us think of killing ourselves ....

Give all your efforts 100%, medically and non medically .... and leave the rest to God .... if you worry about what other will say ... and what stories they cook about you, since you are childless ... then probably ..... I guess 30% of us, should have killed ourselves because of gossip mongers ! ..... nobody can put food on your table or help you at times when in need ....even if they want to ...

In today's world its all ..... I ... ME ... MYSELF .....btw .... please ignore your SIL .... you dont know ... maybe she is jealous of you .... dont worry ... there is something called karma ..... it will come back to her .... if she torments you too much !!!

Do keep track of all your and your husbands medical reports .... you never know when you might need them to shut your MIL's mouth .... and dont age yourself thinking your hub is going to leave you .... may I wonder what grounds .... it will come back to bite him in the backside !!

Keep the faith .... pray harder .... and ..hope for the best .....be optimistic !!!!!!
and .... thank God for such wonderful & supportive parents .............:thumbsup

introspection, Jul 9, 2012

introspection, Jul 9, 2012

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Jul 9, 2012 #6

HasiniS Gold IL'ite

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Dear silentlotus

You are just enough stressed and also depressed because of all that you had gone through in your life.
But first my hugs to you for facing all such bad things in life and still being strong. Though you have vented out your pressure here I can sense how strong you have been all through your repeated failures. So dont ever think about quiting your life. Life is uncertain, life is short, next moment is a question... God has his plans when to take us back from this body... Dear let him do his job ... if we interfere it would just be a mess. I have lost my mom to her suicide attempt. She suffered for 11 months after that attempt. We were seeing her suffer all those 11 months. slowly loosing her sense and then leave us for ever. It pains... It really pains for her loved ones... You have such true loving parents and husband... You just dont have a kid. But that doesnt mean that all your loved ones dont deserve you. They would suffer... So please stop even thinking of this and just stay positive.

I have seen people conceiving after 12 years of marriage. Its kind of miracle ... Also there are some who dont get to experience that in life. But see there are people who are born blind, who cant walk and some even loose their ability after years of good health. Some people all of a sudden get life threatening disease like cancer etc... If they all think of quiting their life then world will be a mess. You are so blessed to have your parents and husband. If your parents dont want to talk on your behalf to your in-laws well and good. You take the charge. Call your parents, in-laws and husband and you feel free to talk to them whats going on. Before talking you take and paper and write what you want to discuss. what the problem is and what plan of action you have to sort them and finally what would be your alternate solutions if your plan doesnt works. Life is short so make it sweet. Its not that only if you bear a baby for 9 months and deliver it you can experience motherhood. The feeling of motherhood is spontaneous. You just get that when you feel a baby is yours. So if nothing works...and if the problem is with sperm morphology and count... convince your husband for donor sperm. again if that too doesnt works then tell him you both will go for adoption. There are countless babies who needs parents love. There are many options dear ... all you need is to sit and think. First relax only then you can think of a solution.

Also dont worry about society... You are like salt to them .. and they enjoy adding your sufferings to their drama ... Just ignore them ... they are not in anyways responsible for your life... Its your life and you LIVE it !!!

HasiniS, Jul 9, 2012

HasiniS, Jul 9, 2012

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Jul 9, 2012 #7

parvathi1980 Platinum IL'ite

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Please do not be stressed or depressed...people will always be mean and they will find some reason to target you. Not Having a child is not such a big deal...there are couples who choose not to have kids these days. I know in our society there is tremendous pressure but don't give up. Please disclose your husband's condition to his parents. You should not suffer like this. Be happy and that will help in conceiving as well.

parvathi1980, Jul 9, 2012

parvathi1980, Jul 9, 2012

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Jul 9, 2012 #8

omnam Platinum IL'ite

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Dear SilentLotus,

Seems u r stressed out with all the medications and pains of those treatements. Please give this baby making plan some rest and work on your relationship with DH. Talk to your DH about what and how you feel about the situation with your ILs and him. Tell him that you need his support, care and love and only after that there is point in making kid.

omnam, Jul 9, 2012

omnam, Jul 9, 2012

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Jul 9, 2012 #9

Chandrika82 Silver IL'ite

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Silentlotus, on a different note - i notice that you are in singapore. From which doctor are you taking fertility treatment? I can suggest my doctor, with whom i was successful after 3 years of TTC.

Chandrika82, Jul 9, 2012

Chandrika82, Jul 9, 2012

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Jul 9, 2012 #10

satchitananda IL Hall of Fame

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Hi SilentLotus,

Sorry to hear of all the problems you are going through. I have some basic suggestions to make. I can understand how pained you must be feeling since you love children, but do not have your own so far. God willing, sooner than later you will have your own kids and all this will be a thing of the past.

But in the meanwhile:

But me and my family were very supportive to his feelings. We did not even disclose it to his parents/siblings.

Excellent, hopefully he will now have realized the difference in the way your family behaved with him and the way his behaved with you when they suspected you of being the reason. He should also realize how much you are taking from them just to protect him.

At many circumstances with my family/friends surroundings I have always been a puzzle since I had never revealed regarding my treatments or what I was actually feeling.

Also wonderful. No one needs to know. It is seriously none of anyone's business.

I have also faced the humiliation as a childless indian married woman.So never I poke my nose for congratulating for pregnancy/babyshower/newborn/babies for their first bday since I was considered a bad omen unless I'm invited. But I love children and being with them is always a pleasure for me.

This is one point I wanted to ask about. Has anyone really said this or is it just your fears and perceptions? If no one has said anything directly, just don't let others make an issue of this in future either. If it is only your ILs, just ignore. Keep away from them as much as possible.

So far I had undergone 8 cycles of clomid, 2 iui's, 1 ivf and 1 normal pregnancy ended at miscarriage in 6 weeks. Every time I come for vacation to my parents place, i went for these treatments. So accordingly I was on rest. I'm always blamed for not staying at my inlaws house as its in another place.

Again, who is blaming you? Your ILs? Don't even consider them a part of this deal. Unless they can be good to you in your difficult times and support you emotionally, they are best considered to be non-existent.

Even considered adoption which was not accepted by my husband. He is scared of his sibling esp my sil(a leech in the form of elder sister).

Sad, but you cannot force him. It would not be fair on the child. Any child (adopted or biological) is fully entitled to the love and care of both parents.

Atlast we disclosed the truth only this year since my inlaws convictions on me were intolerable. Still we believe this is not known to my sil or bil not sure.My fil, HOD and vice principal in a college and mil a home maker(with all medical problems).

This is a personal problem between you and your husband. There is no need for sil to poke her nose in this matter in any case. At some time one has to learn to draw the line between including one's family in one's life and allowing them to interfere constantly. I am sure they would not know - why would your PIL inform anyone about a problem with their son? If the problem was with you, they would have been the first ones to shout it out from the rooftops with a loud speaker to boot. Anyway, ignore that. No need to consider all these non-issues now. You already have plenty to deal with.

Now my father a doctor and mother a home maker.Still My parents though are very loving and supportive to my treatments are not ready to speak behalf of me to my inlaws. Since they wish for the relationship to be smooth.

Well, it is best they don't talk to your ILs. Why make them face any unnecessary unpleasantness or humiliations at their hands? Best not to give the ILs any importance at this time.

I was with my husband when he was not loving towards me. But now he is very loving but we are frequently apart from each other. People think I'm wantedly away without caring about my husband.But we always call each other or go for video chats.

Who are these "people"? ILs? Again I repeat the same mantra at the risk of sounding like a scratched CD. Ignore. Anyone else? None of their business. Your personal relationship with your husband is a matter between you two and only the two of you. No one else has any right to say anything in between. So either ignore, or tell them outright to keep out of such things. And if they are not saying it directly to you, then don't even bother.

I dont even go for chats/facebook in the fear of meeting the people. Always advices/referring poojas etc etc. I do regularly pray recite mantras but also put efforts based on science. How should I face this here after since my recent iui also ended as a failure.

You don't have to stop chatting with friends. Just chat with them about general things, be cheerful and don't talk about this subject at all. If they ask, just say things will happen when they are meant to and end that matter there. Don't give them a chance to start advices on poojas etc. Just say you are happy enough doing whatever you have to do, you don't believe in poojas etc. for every single thing and that you are anyway praying to God sincerely and whatever he decides for you will be for the best. SilentLotus, you will have to talk with conviction. For that you will have to be convinced of all this yourself, otherwise it will just sound hollow.

I'm losing my belief on relationships. At times I feel even my husband's love for me is false.

Now why do you feel like that?

Thinking of attempting suicide but at the same time my mind says if I have the guts to die why not try to live.

See, you have the courage and are logical too. I really like your spirit.

Once If I get any problems due my d&c's or anything goes wrong will my husband be supportive to me / will he abandon me? I dont have the answer. What should I do further. Please help.

Nobody would have an answer to the question SL. What will be will be. Cross the bridge when you come to it. Don't ruin your present trying to imagine what might be or might not be in the future.

As for what to do, you are doing pretty much everything you can to achieve your goal. If possible ask your husband to accompany you for counselling. Do you have any friends or acquaintances who have adopted kids? If so, may be it would be a good idea to talk to them. When your husband sees how happy they are, maybe he will slowly change his mind about this.
Click to expand...

And remember, having a kid or not is entirely a matter between you and your husband. DO NOT allow anyone else to meddle in between, unless they want to offer emotional support or help you out in a practical manner.

satchitananda, Jul 9, 2012

satchitananda, Jul 9, 2012

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