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please save my marriage. Need help. urgent!

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by moumee, Nov 22, 2013.

  1. moumee

    moumee New IL'ite

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    Hi KP55,
    No i dont like being abused.. who does?? i thought maybe, just maybe if given some time things could change. Everything said and done i love that man.. he is my husband because i love him and not the other way round.. i am a fairly attractive woman, but perhaps you are right my husband does not find me attractive any more. But shuld i really try to be 'sexy' around him?If i focus more on him when he is all but ignoring me, will i not be indirectly sending him a message that i want to be treated badly? will i not be giving him an idea that 'give me less and i'll offer you more of my time, energy and love'?

    Dear sweetypi,
    i never thought about divorce on grounds of desertion. Well the way he has become now, anything is possible with him. Its impossible to believe that i'm banished from his memory to nothingness so easily..i know i have to be strong but detaching from the pain is the last thing on my mind right now, as i am still trying to appendage the haemorrhaging gash in the pit of my stomach, the sinking feeling..
     
  2. Viswamitra

    Viswamitra IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear Moumee,

    You are in my thoughts and prayers. Let the gentle Lord bless you in life whatever you wish in your marriage. But last time when he asked for divorce, he came back to apologize. He would probably do so again but you have to develop conversation with him to understand him better. He might be regretting his decision to marry you much against the wishes of his parents for some strange reason and it is no fault of yours.

    He may require psychological evaluation but it is difficult to suggest that to him especially when you are in a new country. It is very painful to see you suffering at 1 a.m. in the morning not knowing when he would return home. He is not even talking to you. Why don't you tell him that you would like to leave back as you are emotionally affected by his behavior? I don't buy this argument that one is emotional and other is practical. Was he expecting his wife to be whatever he wished? He is not living up to your expectations but still you are seeking to make this marriage work.

    Probably your staying away from him for a while will make him come to his senses. But when he comes back with apologies, don't just forgive him without probing more into it and understand his problems. Unless you understand his problems, it is difficult to resolve them. Whether it is a simple or complex problem, still it needs to be addressed.

    You are clearly not at fault and there are arguments in every family. Be brave and do whatever you are comfortable doing but don't suffer silently, the mistake many women do.

    Viswa
     
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  3. moumee

    moumee New IL'ite

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    Dear Viswa,
    Thank you so much for the encouraging words. it means a lot!!
    My husband wants me to go back as soon as possible and is making my everyday life miserable here. The child in me, the scared, hurt, abused child in me wants to go back immediately. But the woman ( atleast the strong woman that i want myself to be) doesn't want to run. i kept aside my promotion, career for this trip. i planned for an exam here in December and i should give up all that simply because my husband suddenly wants to get rid of me? i'm in two minds and the pain is excruciating. you know Viswa, probably it will sound very stupid and childish but for very many years i wanted to spend one Christmas/New Year in a Western country. i had only seen them in movies, wanted to experience it myself. And all my dreams big or small i had shared with my husband.. He knew i had made plans for us for Christmas. i dont want to deprive myself of the experience and at the same time living here in this hell is extremely painful.. probably i'm ranting and not even making sense anymore..
     
  4. Keet

    Keet Silver IL'ite

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    Did he come back yet? when you guys had issue the last time, how long was it? did he disappear the whole day and late night like this (other than the one week). Was the intensity of fight was like this? Compared to the previous issues do you think this too is silly issues will get solved soon. Do you see any threat to your life?

    Is it possible you get ready and voluntarily go with him in the morning when he leaves saying you are getting bored at home, you will also come with him. Or ask him to take to a mall in the pretext of buying you something and roam there for few hours. If you are not home when he comes back in the night will he get scared and search for you? Is there any McDonald's 24X7 near by you can spend some time (Sorry I don't know how safe is Mexico)?

    Stay strong. If you are feeling down write here.
     
  5. RadiantFlower

    RadiantFlower Platinum IL'ite

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    Perhaps you overdid it.

    No good deed goes unpunished, or so they say.
     
  6. ChandrikaV

    ChandrikaV IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear Moumee,

    I can think of a few scenarios.

    1. He has some terminal illness, (really sorry op). He does not want you to love him still. It will be easy for you to accept whatever happens him if you are not in love with him. That can explain the sudden excessive drinking habit.

    2. May be he is not 100 petcent clear of his sexual preference , once again I am sorry to be blunt.

    3. In general Bengalis are well educated and highly intellectual. He is not happy with your success in your profession.

    you mentioned that his boss came home....did he talk about your husband? What does he think of your DH?

    Mexico has lots of drug. Do you think he is caught with some drug gang? He is really worried about your safety and hence wants you to leave immefiately. Since his mood towards you changes suddenly when you both were out, did he run across someone he is scared of? Why dont you suggest that both of you can return back to India.

    I am really worried for both of you as there is no clear explanation for his behavior.
     
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  7. KP55

    KP55 Gold IL'ite

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    Are you kidding me? lol... Sorry to be "blunt", but I laughed out loud at every point you made. Especially the last one about him being in a drug gang and him actually trying to save her from harm. And also point #2, that he might be gay. lol.
    ------

    Back to moumee,

    You do sound like an educated woman with a level head on her shoulders. I think you see things from all angles. What I would suggest is that you don't let him control your decisions in life anymore. You said you put aside your promotion just to be with him in Mexico. And now you have signed up for a course and now he suddenly wants you to leave? He clearly has no regard for your life and your well being. A man would not break-up this way. He should at least give you the decency to finish whatever you have to do and/or help you find alternate arrangements. This is not like a brutal bad breakup, you are being very amicable in this situation, he should respect that. Many women would make this guy's life miserable and he wouldn't be able to do anything, especially being on foreign land.

    You can create a deal with him, let him live his own life but tell him until you get on your feet with your career, that he put up with you until you move out. I'm pretty sure you can find a small apartment in Mexico yourself. If you are in a safe part of town, which I'm sure you are you can manage this, being an educated woman that you are.

    But don't let him dictate the terms of your relationships and decide when you should go back. He is still trying to control you in a sadistic way. Deep down inside he likes the fact that you are willing to put aside all your dreams and aspirations just for him. You did it once, don't do it again. I would suggest that you stand up for yourself and become detached from him emotionally, slowly but surely. You can't keep living a rollercoaster like this.

    Its not like you guys are living in the same city. You sacrificed your career to be with him and crossed 7 seas to be with him. Does he not see your unconditional love? Many men would die to have a woman like you beside them. But guys like him will sing that Joni Mitchel song after its all said and done.. "You don't know what you got till its gone".
     
    Last edited: Nov 29, 2013
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  8. sokanasanah

    sokanasanah IL Hall of Fame

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    I have not read every post here, so I am sorry if I am repeating what may have already been said. Tumors (brain, endocrine) can cause sudden inexplicable behavioral changes. Bipolar disorder is another possibility. However, in these cases your husband would not be able to segregate his behavior toward you from his behavior at work. His friends and coworkers would notice some changes too. You may want to ponder this.

    If you are able to focus and take your exam successfully in spite of all that is going on, then you have reserves of strength far greater I. You certainly do not need advice from the likes of me. You seem determined to stay and follow a predetermined course of action. I hope you will take care to remain safe. Keep this in mind: it is possible to love someone even if they don't love you back. However, without commitment from both partners, a marriage cannot survive.

    Good Luck!
     
  9. misspink14

    misspink14 Bronze IL'ite

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    I am sorry that you are going thru this. I think that you need to sit down and think to yourself if this is even worth the try. 2nd Ask him point blank, what did you do and tell him that you feel that he was not honest with you while you were back home. 3rd, trial separation is not always a bad thing, it is just harder to reconnet. Explore where you are and ask him when he is free to come with you as a "date" or friend and try that before you go back into being "soulmates".

    I hope this helps.
     
  10. Mommie007

    Mommie007 Silver IL'ite

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    When he is loitering around in the streets (or god knows where) at 2 a.m, just book your tickets and leave. You have tried enough and u don't deserve this. go back home and ignore him and stop thinking about him.He will come back if he is yours, if he doesn't he never was yours! Even if he comes back think a million times, jot down how you want him to be and make him agree and tell him u r giving him a last chance. If he doesn't come back, then good riddance, ditch his sorry ass, and move on with your life. There is someone better waiting for you.
     
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