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Discussion in 'Intimacy' started by cheenu123, Mar 10, 2015.

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  1. Mar 10, 2015 #1
    cheenu123

    cheenu123 Gold IL'ite

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    Having consummated our marriage (after almost 1.5 years with great difficulty), today we have come back to square one. Last night I had a major tiff with my DH. I said why don't you shut the common door between our bedroom and your mother's room at night when you know we have had fight over this issue several times in the past. He said it dint just cross his mind. This was enough to blow me. I said that means you never really think seriously about having sex if shutting the common door doesn't figure in your mind. I said that I need sex and I feel very deprived of it. I asked him when was the last time we had sex to which he asked when was the last time you initiated? I was dumbfounded by his question because in the past, I have been to multiple gynecs and counselors just to sort this problem. I have been on pills, gels, lubricants then how on earth a lack of initiative is displayed from my end. My DH very conveniently said that it is not solely his responsibility to initiate sex. I am extremely frustrated with this man. He is attributing his total lack of interest to my not taking the initiative? When shamefully I have told him umpteen times that I need this thing badly.
    I am at loggerheads and have absolutely no idea how to sort this thing.
     
    cheenu123, Mar 10, 2015
    cheenu123, Mar 10, 2015
    #1
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  2. Mar 10, 2015 #2
    SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    You don't have to feel shame about talking or initiating sex as it is your marital right with your spouse.

    If the door is not locked, take the initiative to lock it instead of expecting him to lock or give an explanation as to why it is not locked.

    Such silly fights may turn off both of you, as sex is not just physical act, but the mind too enjoys it.

    Applying lubricants, visiting Gynec are not considered initiatives in the bed. Do something about foreplay and stuff. Initiate it openly if that matters to turn him on.

    Every man is unique, understand your H and act accordingly.

    Do not fight, do not show your frustration, but stay calm, happy, sexy and start the act as you wish. If he still finds reasons to cover his fault (if any), then proper medical intervention (either counselling or therapy) is important)
     
    SGBV, Mar 10, 2015
    SGBV, Mar 10, 2015
    #2
    adititwix, dimple7, GomathiNandha and 8 others like this.
  3. Mar 10, 2015 #3
    yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    Ask him how he wants you to initiate sex.Ask him what he likes...tell him what you want him to do to initiate.

    Shut the common room even if there is no chance of intimacy.A couple needs personal space even when sleeping.Having a mother in the next room is definitely a mood killer.

    Op...you know your husband has low libido.....you are the one who will have to work harder to get what you want.There is no other choice......you can't keep fighting with him over this for life. JUst take on the role of the initiator....if he wont.

    Slowly you will get the couples code for intimacy without havng to do it. See what makes him willing.Could be a particular nightie,perfume ,lighting ,music....erotic scenes.Also check for things that put him off mood.

    e.g...in our case...

    nightie(not the kind in that nightie thread:shock:) and perfume...definitely on
    nighties ...very likely.
    Pyjamas...not likely.
    Grey pyjamas.....headache ..stay off
     
    yellowmango, Mar 10, 2015
    yellowmango, Mar 10, 2015
    #3
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  4. Mar 10, 2015 #4
    SudhaMakesh

    SudhaMakesh Silver IL'ite

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    hi

    I am really sorry for your situation. How can you even let him consider the option of keeping the door open from the first day?

    You should remember that the atmosphere should be suitable enough for a man or woman to get in to the mood... May be that is also a reason for your difficulty in having sex. For women it is mostly the mental preparation than the physical .

    R u sure he have no difficulty in having sex.. may be that is a reason he is not interested...i don't know why like women men never accept their lack of interest or difficulty..

    Fighting about it never works... .. engage in regular talks.. slowly start talking about intimate stuff... if you cross the point where you can talk about it freely half the problem will be solved.. keep yourself attractive... not for his sake...it will give you a great confidence about yourself...

    why can't you close the common door... why you expect him to do... there is nothing wrong in it... even if your mother in law notices and not happy about it... let her deal with it... .don't give up your basic needs... hope everything works out well....
     
    SudhaMakesh, Mar 10, 2015
    SudhaMakesh, Mar 10, 2015
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  5. Mar 11, 2015 #5
    RedRuby

    RedRuby Platinum IL'ite

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    Got to go shopping tomorrow... wanted new nightwear and know now what i want :queen but what´s that nightie thread? :cool:


    Dear OP,

    I agree with above posters, dont give him a chance to slip out. So keep the door closed. Initiate yourself. If you both need a moment to get into mood or he needs a bit more subtle hints you can watch romantic movie and have a glass of wine or you wear some nice nighty and ask him to massage your back as it hurts or offer him a back massage... just to get closer without speaking it out as its a tensed topic in your case. As there is already preassure on both of you dont increase pressure if it doesnt happen the first lets say 2 times.. but if he then finds excuses try to softly ask him again why it is so. Watch wether he likes physical closeness in general, like hugging, kissing, cuddling and massages... if yes do this more often from there you go on. If no - there is a deeper problem.

    Edit: I just realised I should get rid of those kiddo comic figure turtle pyjamas.......
     
    RedRuby, Mar 11, 2015
    RedRuby, Mar 11, 2015
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  6. Mar 11, 2015 #6
    cheenu123

    cheenu123 Gold IL'ite

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    Dear Friends,

    Thanks for being so considerate.
    Dear @Yellowmango
    This is something I love about you. You make a serious problem look so solvable and where you talk about the nightie stuff, I actually smiled.

    Redruby
    That is the thing. He goes overboard in hugging kissing holding hands otherwise but when it comes to real intimacy, there is nothing.
    I have had multiple marital & inlaws issue but still, when I look at a broader picture, my DH is still very nice. He is very reasonable and highly accommodating when it comes to all other matters. Besides, I too have multiple flaws and he is putting up with me and rarely complains. I don't want to lose him because of this intimacy issue. But at the same time, I believe that intimacy will only help us in strengthening our bond.
     
    cheenu123, Mar 11, 2015
    cheenu123, Mar 11, 2015
    #6
    4 people like this.
  7. Mar 11, 2015 #7
    VanithaSudhir

    VanithaSudhir Platinum IL'ite

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    laugh1smiley
     
    VanithaSudhir, Mar 11, 2015
    VanithaSudhir, Mar 11, 2015
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  8. Mar 12, 2015 #8
    drnamshara

    drnamshara Gold IL'ite

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    Ohhhhh YM i am breathless!!!!!!! I cant stop laughing :biglaugh:biglaugh
    .... Never laughed this much in the recent past....
    I cant stop picturising..... My cheeks are hurting....I have tears in my eyes:rotfl
    And I just finished a bout of coughssss
    OMGoddddddddddddddd laugh1smiley
     
    drnamshara, Mar 12, 2015
    drnamshara, Mar 12, 2015
    #8
    3 people like this.
  9. Mar 14, 2015 #9
    yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    Those nighties won't get you any...gigglingsmiley

    @RedRuby http://www.indusladies.com/forums/general-discussions/267208-nightie-in-public.html
     
    yellowmango, Mar 14, 2015
    yellowmango, Mar 14, 2015
    #9
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  10. Mar 15, 2015 #10
    Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Common door between our bedroom and other's room must be the most effective birth control known to mankind.
     
    Rihana, Mar 15, 2015
    Rihana, Mar 15, 2015
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    11 people like this.
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