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Discussion in 'Parents & Siblings' started by WMOOK, Apr 12, 2012.

  1. WMOOK

    WMOOK New IL'ite

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    I just found out that my dad has been diagnosed with cancer.I'm an only child living in another part of the world.Do you think I should go to India now to be with my mother?Please help me make a decision.My husband does not have a good relationship with them..in fact he hates them.So I am not going to get any help from him at all.
    The pros of the situation:
    1.the doctor says he needs to undergo radiation for one month and that it's 100 percent curable.
    2. My dad is otherwise healthy and young(only 64)
    3.Lot's of support from family and friends.
    The cons for me:
    1. I will have to probably leave my job as I will not get leave for a month,and you know how the job situation is nowadays especially for a 40 year old.
    2. My son is preparing for his GCSE this year and he needs my help.
    3.No help and support from my husband at all...in fact he said they were lying to
    make me go to India.

    Please help me ..I am torn between my duties as a child and as a mother and wife.I do not know what I should do..give up job and family here to be with my parents at this time if their need..or wait and see if situations become better.
     
    Last edited: Apr 13, 2012
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  2. sanvi5

    sanvi5 Silver IL'ite

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    Sorry to hear about your dad and pray to god for speedy recovery. I think if its family emergency you should get leave and usually your manager wont say no.It will be much peace of mind if you can go to see your parents atleast for 3 or 4 weeks. Very nice to hear that you have lots of support from family and friends so when you go to India you can arrange someone to take care of their needs that way you will be more comfortable.
    By not going to India you will always be thinking of your parents and it will be hard for you to concentrate on other things. If your son is a older kid like more than 10 yrs i think it wont be any problem managing for minimum of 3 weeks.Explain to your husband and tell him to think being in your situation and convince him to take care of your son in your absence or if any of your friends can offer help for your son in studies that would be great too or atleast arrange some tution for his studies.These are my thoughts.Hope your dad recovers soon.
     
  3. sowmya.swami

    sowmya.swami Junior IL'ite

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    i will go to be with my parents in this situation. i think ur manager at work will definitely understd ur need if u explain him. if u had to extend ur stay or boss dont agree, ask them if you can work remotely. if ur kind of work can be done from remote with little interaction with team then you can ask for that, arrange for a offic laptop and use it from there. one of my friend was in the same situation as urs. he explained to his boss and worked remotely. regarding ur son's exams, i am sure ull have close friends over so many years of staying here..see if they can help him for few hours and then ur husband can help too. if he already has study friends tht cud help under the supervision of ur husband. if hez in a understandable age i am sure hez goin to get the fire to achieve success in these hard times.
     
  4. freddycat

    freddycat Platinum IL'ite

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    Sorry to hear about your dad. I think, you should visit your dad at least for 2-weeks by making arrangement at work. There is always work & family commitment, by missing a chance to visit your dad now, you don't want to regret later for rest of your life.
     
  5. WMOOK

    WMOOK New IL'ite

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    Thanks a lot for your prompt responses. I just chatted with my boss who thinks taking a break will not be a problem.But the real problem is my husband.He is a doctor and he thinks I should not go to India now.We had already plans on going to India in mid July.He thinks my parents can cope with the procedures alone(my family and friends are there of course).He says there is nothing I could do to help other than accompany my dad everyday to and from the hospital.It is only after he completes the radiation therapy we would know how better he is and if he needs help. Only then should I make plans of going to India.He stresses my son's exam is more important at this stage and that I need to stay here for him.
    I am going absolutely crazy...my mother wants me to go to India now and my husband is giving me reason after reason for my not going immediately ..but to wait and see how things go.
    What am I going to do....
     
  6. blessed

    blessed Platinum IL'ite

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    Since it is not an emergency I think u can go according to your husbands plan.. he himself being a doctor he can understand the situation more than any body else. Even if you go now to be with your parents I am sure you cannot give in 100% support to your parents as you would be thinking of your son and his exams and if something adversely happen;s then your husband will blame you..

    You can explain your mother about your sons exam and your job and can tell her that you can spend time with them peacefully if you come in July.. sure she will understand as she is lucky because they have caring family and friends for support.
     
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  7. aaral

    aaral Silver IL'ite

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    Now is the time your parents need you. At times like this having their daughter by their side will give them immense moral support. I agree your son's education is important too. But it is only for few weeks. I hope and pray for your fathers' health. All the best.
     
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  8. RamyaSridhar1978

    RamyaSridhar1978 Gold IL'ite

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    Hi
    It's very unfortunate to know about your dads health but be strong .. As the doc says things will get better. I suggest you wait till your son finishes his exams ( which may be max to max 1-2 weeks and then leave immediately after the same. I don't know how old is your son but during exams it's better for a parent to be there and provide moral support to their child. ...
    Meanwhile you do have friends and relatives to take care of your dad but here your son will be alone. I am sure your mom will understand how imp education / exams are.
     
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  9. WMOOK

    WMOOK New IL'ite

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    Thank you very much for your kind responses .
    I had a huge fight with my husband regarding my visit to my father. My mother has taken my dad to Mumbai yesterday to Tata medical centre.My cousin brother has accompanied them,but he could only take leave for seven days .At present they are in my uncles house and my aunt is in ICU following a cardiac arrest a month ago.So it is difficult for my parents to stay there long term.They are looking for a place to stay and when they get it they will move. My mother is diabetic and a heart patient and after the radiation starts it will be difficult for her to look after my dad properly.I only wanted to go to India for the last two weeks when my parents would need the most support.But my husband is not allowing me to.All the credit cards are in his name and he said thet they are maxed out as he had already bought the tickets to India for July.
    I cannot even have access to my own money against his wishes as my paycheck goes directly to his bank.I also cannot drive.So it is difficult for me to buy the tickets without his help.
    I have been an obedient wife of fifteen years totally dependent on him and it comes as a shock to me that my husband can be so insensitive. I understand that there were fights between him and my parents and both parties were not civil with each other,but that does not mean that he will try to take revenge against them in such a mean manner.
    It has been an eye opening experience for me and I have to now try to me more independendent with my finances
    and learn driving .
    His arguments are:
    1.My parents behaved badly so he is least concerned
    2.He does not want to deal with extra expenses only for two or three weeks as we are going in July
    3.My parents are show offs ,they could have stayed in their hometown as there is a branch of Tata memorial centre there.Instead they had to fly to Mumbai ,rent an apartment and stay there. They are rich so they can send me a ticket to visit them.
    4.i want to go to show my dad how much I love him so that he does not disinherit me from his property...so I want to go because I am greedy
    5. My parents are past and my husband and my son are my present and future so I cannot inconvenience them for the sake of my parents.
    6.He is downplaying my fathers illness. He says it is first stage and he will only take radiation.As a doctor he has seen patients coming alone to take radiation and then going to work. So my parents will have no problem being alone there.

    I don't know what to do. I can go to a travel agent or ask somebody in my workplace to get the tickets for me and I can pay the money with this months salary ,but this means I will have to bad mouth my husband in public which I do not want to do.
    Also continuous fighting and saying mean things to each other is disturbing my son who is studying for his exams.
    Sorry for the long post but please help me make up my mind . Am I being unreasonable and selfish by asking to go for two weeks as I want to come back before my sons exams start?
    Do you think what my husband is saying is rational?How am I going to explain this to my mom and dad?
     
  10. flowerlady

    flowerlady IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear OP,
    Are your parents asking you to come down to help them? If they wish to stay in Mumbai for the treatment in a rented flat then they may need to hire a nurse to look after both of them.
    Your DH is being irrational and making you pay for the problems between him and his in-laws. Like many educated earning ladies you have made the mistake of merging your salary with his. Hope its a joint account then you can withdraw some money.
    Maybe your H feels that you will end up spending more time with them and miss your son's exams.
    Let your parents send your ticket if they can , you can repay them later.Or take a loan for the ticket.
    Separate your salary account pronto.
     
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