Please help- sleepless nights and stressful life

redlotus1234 · Dec 27, 2015

Dear ILS,
I am married for 6 years. Ours is arranged marriage. We both were working in the same country in different cities before marriage. We met each other only once before marriage. During that time DH had said that he is very much interested in Spiritual related stuff. He explained that the Spirituality, what he said was something different than I think. He goes a Guru Ashram that makes him happy and gave me some books to read. Though I was not that interested, thought to learn new stuff, read that book. After our engagement, he use to talk only about his guru and spiritual related things. He also said that he want to visit his Guru immediately after marriage. I was very much tensed about my Future but I was helpless.
As, we have planned got married in India. After our marriage we went to Ashram and got deeksha. DH explained me that when someone get deeksha, need to follow Brahmacharyam for 21 days. I was not sure about this person, I said OK lets follow. Then we came back to our working cities and met during weekends. After 5 months, we developed secured feeling. We have decided for Intimacy one fine day. Then I came to know that he has low sex drive. He can't hold even a sec. I thought everything will be all right. I didn't want to hurt neither my parents nor DH. Kept Silent. Second time when we had, he asked is it sufficient for next three years?... I was shocked. Does he know the meaning of what he is saying?
We both got shifted to the same city where I lived and he worked from home. He use to work till 1 to 2'o clock night...sleep till 11'o clock in the morning. I should leave for work at 7'0 clock in the Morning. So I use to sleep early. I always asked him to sleep with me. He always responded he will come after 10 min.. But that 10mins never ends. During first year, whenever I initiated IC, he use to answer that don’t want to waste semen need to practice yogic technic etc etc. One should have IC only for making kids. Then only we get divine child Blah blah blah. It has become a big stress for me. Why should he got married, when he is interested in Spirituality?
After two years, My sister got married in India, my sister got pregnant. So everyone in our family started to ask me for a baby. At last, I started insisting him for a child. Then he started saying that he need to do spiritual practice sent me some document regarding this. He said he will do only once in a month for that I was suggested to use ovlution kit.
Second month I got pregnant. My FIL visited us for my deliviery for three months. When FIL left to India, My husband slept in different Bed room and I slept with my baby. When I asked, baby is waking middle in the night. So, he don't want to get disturbed. Though, I had C-section, I use to hold my baby in hand and cook, he always sit in front of computer. Monday to Friday he use to go for Job. Saturday he watches some Movies and Sunday he wants to take rest. If he don't try to understand, why should I take initiative. Then I stopped talking to him. Finally I have decided to leave him for few months, so that he could understand.
we three of us visted India and I stayed there for another two more months. When I came back, he said that he missed me a lot..... But the same thing continues....
Second year, My kid was often sick. So no physical relationship. If all the situation is ok, he says he is sick or no mood. If at all IC happens, he says that I feel sick because of IC etc... This is how 6 years passed. I expect at least once in 6months. Is there anything wrong in it? If I initiate, he shouts that IC is the only thing in your life? The feeling should come from heart, he don’t have mood etc….
When I feel like sleeping beside him, I shouldn’t touch, as he don't want to get disturbed…. Is this the way married people live?
Whenever I talk to him it ends only in argument. Though we live in a same house, I maintain a relationship like good friends. I don't have hope neither he will change his character nor he develops feeling for me.
At last, I left with sleepless nights and stressful life that's all...
Dear ILs, Hope you ladies understand my problem and provide me some idea to sort out this issue. What should I do? Does anyone facing this kind of problem?

Hopefully · Dec 27, 2015

I have same type of husband.I cannot understand such a person's attitide and how insensitive these guys can be.such beings will never change...They are doing the right thing according to them.
We have to change our self for our peace.

catwalk · Dec 27, 2015

Spirituality ( any religion) has nothing do with such irresponsible behavior. In my opinion, he finds it as a reason to hide his physical and mental problems. In india, even great scholars and guru's lead successful married life. Unlike the semitic religions, Hindu mythology doesn't consider any activity in man women relationship as Taboo. There are no sins. Everything is accepted and everything is practiced. Real spirituality is above all these things. So it is not fair to to mix our great culture into all these trivial matters.

If he knew about it before marriage, he shouldn't have get married. Or he should have discussed with you about it before marriage.

Your may consult a clinical psychologist and try to resolve this issue. Certain things are embedded in his basic character and there may be limit for a science to find solution to it. Its a kind of escapism.

You should have thought about it before having a baby. You had enough time and enough experience to make a decision. In my opinion, now it is too late to consider a separation and another life.

May God Bless you,

Jas8085 · Dec 27, 2015

Who said in what holy book that physical relationship is a sin?

It is a widely stated, practiced fact in Hinduism that physical intimacy between a man and a woman is prrfectly normal and NOT a sin as long as they are wife and husband.

Sexual interest in women OTHER THAN dharma patni is a sin.

Have a proper conversation with ur husbans and get him to see a doctor for his issues. Tell him he is committing a sin by marrying a woman and starving her like this.

chocolate · Dec 27, 2015

Op, Your husband is hiding his flaws behind the reason of spirituality. Almost anything mentioned is bull**** in name of having a good child. Mental and physical proximity is a base for any marriage.You cant touch your husband becoz he will get disturbed is utter nonsense.

I think you need to involve elders and disclose everything . I think you are better off ending the marriage then being with such insensitive person. He doesn't care for anything nor feels responsible for you and your baby. What is the point of this marriage? Where you are sailing all by yourself. Not worth it.Good Luck.

aamrapali · Dec 27, 2015

Some people are not interested in physical intimacy and have extremely low levels of libido. However, physical intimacy is a given when you get married, unless both partners have previously talked about and come to a mutual agreement for a platonic relationship. Both for men and women, it is part of a marriage and a responsibility one must fulfill. If the other person is suffering from disinterest or libido, then the spouse should help them feel romantic and desirable and help them enjoy a normal and healthy physical relationship. Since he is not responding to your help, better to consult a physician or a psychiatrist/psychologist/counselor. Maybe he will understand and listen a third person's expert opinion.

vidhyabaskar · Dec 31, 2015

He can be a gay having no genuine interest in you. Spirituality may just be an excuse !

redlotus1234 · Jan 1, 2016

Thanks for your reply. We had the same argument many times. Now, I asked him for third party psychological counselling. I don't know, whether he accepts... just gave him sometime...
I still love him a lot. I never wanted to get separate from him. I wanted him to understand my affection.

redlotus1234 · Jan 1, 2016

Dear chocolate,
Thanks for your reply.. i asked him for psychological counselling and waiting for his reply... if this step doesn't work, need to discuss with MIL..

redlotus1234 · Jan 1, 2016

Dear vidya,
I knew about him and also his friends... He does everything for us... Apart from this matter, he takes care of everything. If i ask anything, he buys it very next day. I know that he cares not only me but also my family. He helped my parents during hard situations. In our family, everyone says we are the best pair. So i have 100% confidence ☺