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Please help - My brother is gay

Discussion in 'Parents & Siblings' started by needhelp2010, Sep 29, 2010.

  1. rajikaran

    rajikaran Silver IL'ite

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    when i saw riya123s reply i felt strong objection....she is suggesting that the gay brother of needhelp should forget his sexuality and get married to a girl....can we spare a moment here to think about the girls feelings,(i mean the girl whom he might have married had he not known better) what about her hopes, her desires and her chance of having a happy and healthy sexual life?Or being a girl does she have to forsake all that for the sake of a man who is marrying her just to please his parents?marriage should never be an arrangement to please parents or society...it should be involve commitment,understanding and lots of love and a healthy sexual life....
    sexuality is not something which can be changed at will...can a heterosexual person imagine having sex with someone of the same sex?it is unimaginable for us...it is the same with homosexuals also....it is good that needhelps brother understood his sexuality and shared it with his sister who approached the problem with maturity ....i can fully understand his mothers concerns and her heartbreak..it is difficult for that generation to accept homosexuality...but it is a fact of life...and needhelp should get as much help as possible to make her mother understand the situation...may be even professional help could be sought....hats off to her way of approach to the issue...
    a word of advice regarding needhelps brothers partners...he should be very cautious in choosing his partners and if possible he should stick to one lifelong partner who is faithful...this is not only in interest of his emotional wellbeing but also in view of health issues like sexually transmitted diseases...promiscuity is a bane in both homosexual and heterosexual relations.and should be avoided....
    just because a person is gay we shouldnt be hasty in branding them as immoral or something shameful...nobody chooses the way they are..it so happens....it takes a lot of courage on part of a person to accept something like this and we should accept that..
    regards
    raji
     
  2. bachelora

    bachelora New IL'ite

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    Hello Needhelp2010,

    I am a gay man of Indian origin going through same complexity of a loving family as your brother. It would be good to have a friend to share our experiences if you could introduce your brother to me by email. . Do not fear I am discreet and respectful of anyone's identity because the internet can be of bad experiences. Thanks Raj.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 12, 2010
  3. riya123

    riya123 Gold IL'ite

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    Girl, I dont intend to be harsh to you, but then i think i should remind you that you have NOT, i repeat, NOT been vested with the job of judging on my posts. This post was intended to OP and not to you. Just like i respect your opinions, i'd appreciate if you too could leave me alone with my opinion.


    Could you spare a moment to think on how his parents would feel, if they have to see their son living with a male partner. Remember they are traditional people living in a conservative society.


    No, when i wrote that post i was not very sure about OPs brother stance. There have been several cases where homosexuals were a part of a straight marriage and then came out of the marriage and realized that they were better off as gays. It is not a 0 or 1 scenario. The orientation lies along a continuum. In that case, the girl's life wouldn't be as much ruined as you'd want to talk about.


    What are the chances that he would be getting a committed male partner in indian society. It is very remote. Please get out of ideal world and open your eyes to the not so perfect real world.


    I didn't intend to change his sexuality. I wanted him to tread carefully so as to not to put his parents in an embarassing situation.
    I request you not to make sweeping assumptions about my post.

    What amuses me even more is, you expect the society to be tolerant towards gays, but yourself are not tolerant towards a fellow poster's views/opinions. Just like you wanted to get nosy with my opinion, i'm sure many people, in reality, would like to get nosy with OP's parents with whats going on with their son. Then OP's parents might find it really hard to face the society. btw This is not an argument or a debate to be won. These posts are intended to help OP get different perspectives on the issue she is dealing with. I'd appreciate if you could be more tolerant towards fellow ilite's views and opinions. Just like you, i am also entitled to an opinion.
     
    Last edited: Oct 11, 2010
  4. peartree

    peartree Platinum IL'ite

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    Riya

    Atthe risk of being called nosy by you, I will still take the liberty to address the above point you have made! Just as you have dealt with "nosy" posters who have a viewpoint different than yours and are expressing it here, so would the OP's parents have to deal with the nosy people who would dare poke their noses into their sons's sexual life. Agreed, a small step towards being tolerant to fellow IL-ite's opinions that may be different than our own would probably serve as a small step towards bigger things, like being tolerant of people who's abilities, sexual preferences and other preferences are different than our own.
     
  5. riya123

    riya123 Gold IL'ite

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    Yeah, but i didn't like the snide comments passed on my posts. It did hurt and for sometime i kept myself away from reading this thread. People did try to tell me to get myself educated, and if i'd be a bride for him . All this, when my post was in no way intended for them. Why do they even have to bother to pick out and quote my posts and then write a snide commentary on it. More over those are the people who are expecting conservative people to become tolerant overnight towards gays and lesbians, while they themselves are not tolerant towards another person's opinion - an opinion which is merely different than theirs .
    Neither is it going to be easy for OPs parents to deal with nosy people. It is not correct on her brother's part to put them in such a situation at this old age. He should not go open about his sexuality as long as he is living with them.



    Oh. don't bother, the people who haven't been tolerant towards my post have written loads of ideal views.
    If you are thinking that i am intolerant towards gays, then let me correct you. I have not imposed a corporal punishment on him for being gay. I have only told that he should make decisions by keeping his family in his mind first and if required, also to sacrifice a bit to protect his family name.
     
    Last edited: Oct 11, 2010
  6. SR09

    SR09 Bronze IL'ite

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    Riya123,
    I have said this before in this thread now I am saying again, you are doing a great job, yes its your opinion. And I see various comments on imagining yourself a lesbian, getting educated more in this issue etc etc . JUST DONT BOTHER. As your intention was to share your opinion to Needhelp only and NOT to anyone else. That is the main reason also I stayed away from commenting more on this thread after I shared my opinion with Needhelp as that was only my primary reason for positng my opinion here.
    Dont be hurt with others remarks. Just be yourself .:thumbsup.
    PEOPLE CHANGE- change is the only constant thing.
     
  7. peartree

    peartree Platinum IL'ite

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    Riya

    I don't know if I will get pounced upon for saying this, but this is a forum where one person poses a query and others discuss the query in the hopes of providing the OP with a suitable solution. It is not a one-one conversation happening! You being a member here for as long as I know would know this better.

    And no, you don't have to personally impose a corporal punishment to make clear your dislike for a certain group. Just making statements of disapproval of their nature is sufficient. It is like justifying that I personally do not stop the so called "harijans" from coming into the temple, but I will keep making statements to that effect and that doesn't mean that I am a casteist bigot.

    P.S. With the entire group being polarized on two opinions, I wonder if it is time the moderators intervened!
     
  8. Spiderman1

    Spiderman1 Gold IL'ite

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    Again the bigoted views are shocking to say the least. Anyway, hope NH got the advice she needed.
     
  9. riya123

    riya123 Gold IL'ite

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    Thanks for your understanding

    It is clearly written on the forum etiquette section to not to make adverse references on other members. If there are two different opinions, let it be. There is a difference between healthy discussion and writing snide personal comments. I only wanted to post my opinion to OP and did not want to be a part of any discussion here.

    Really, there is no one-on-one discussion. Please go back and read on all the cross comments on my post.

    If saying that his parents and family needn't suffer because of him, means that i hate gay community. I rest my case. I dont think speaking any further would help. btw, i hope you notice that the so called tolerant people have written so many hate posts to a fellow member. I can only applaud on their tolerance..
     
    Last edited: Oct 11, 2010
  10. canreachus

    canreachus Senior IL'ite

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    i really could not understand why people were commenting harsh on riya's post, just like other she also has and gave her opinion, if you are not agree with it just explain it in a good way instead of making harsh comments, some of you were saying to close the thread...why....becasue her opinion or her (or some others) didn't satisfy you...it was not according to your way of thinking...if you are really open minded, receptive then atleast respect to her opinion, she also a part of the society

    it is strange or difficult for me to understand that you are being intolerent towards opinion of one poster instead of that you are giving the lectures of tolerence, broad mindedness / education etc to others......there were more comments on riya's post rather than suggesions to the op.

    now one more will come to educate me, but i am also conservative or uneducated that way...i just accept it as it is as i know that i can not change it!!
     

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