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Please help - My brother is gay

Discussion in 'Parents & Siblings' started by needhelp2010, Sep 29, 2010.

  1. needhelp2010

    needhelp2010 New IL'ite

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    I'm a regular in this forum but had to create a new ID to share this problem. I'm sure you would understand why after reading my problem.

    I have only one younger brother and he told me 4 yrs back that he's gay. I told my mom about 2 years back. Our father does not know about this, he will die if he will know. He loves my brother too much.

    I'm finding it very hard to handle my mother, when I got up in the morning today she was crying since 5am and had high BP. She said why this problem has come on our family, where did we fall short in our upbringing. Is there anyway we can fix him? I told my mother if someone is born dark can you fix him or her. This is the same way. I try to support my brother by asking him about his boyfriends and telling him he's normal. He is however depressed because he's not able to find a loyal long term partner.

    My parents are very middle class and worked very hard to educate us and bring us up and this is like a blow on their old age. My mom says if the doc would have told us when he was born then we would have had another child. Now we have no option.

    I don't know what to do friends, I feel very helpless seeing my mother. Have any of you seen something similar or experienced. Please share your thoughts.
     
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  2. asuitablegirl

    asuitablegirl Gold IL'ite

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    I'm so glad you are standing by your brother. It shows how much you love him.

    About your mom, it is hard for that generation to accept homosexuality. Try to get her to stop dwelling on 'what if'.... no more 'where did we go wrongs' no more 'if we had known we would have had another child'. Get her to see that her son is what he is and there's nothing that can be done about it and that it would be better for everyone if the past, his upbringing, and all that drama stopped being mentioned.

    Let her know that love means accepting a person 'as is'. And that had he covered up the truth, he would have ruined some innocent girl's life by getting married to her. Isn't your brother's happiness more important than carrying on a sham of a marriage? Yeah! Not to mention, he has no right to carry on a relationship with a woman, when he will not really love her!

    Try to get her to see that he is still the same guy he has always been. In fact he has been courageous coming forward with the truth, and is very noble for sparing an innocent girl's life, even though it would have made his life easier to get married the traditional way.

    I have had many gay friends, but no Indian gay friends. My gay friends had no problem getting acceptance from their parents, but then again, they came from pretty liberal families.

    Explain that she can love him without loving his sexuality. She doesn't have to like that part of him, but it will be sad if she withdraws herself from him completely, because HE IS STILL HER SON!

    Hope this helps. Take care. Good luck to you and your bro.
     
  3. needhelp2010

    needhelp2010 New IL'ite

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    Thanks, ASG. I really love my brother. In fact, what I like is that he has told me and mom clearly that he will never marry. He told mom that I cannot destroy some innocent person's life.

    He said many of his friends do that but he will not, he's willing to wait all his life for a loyal life partner but will not marry.

    And yes its very hard to explain to mom, very hard.
     
  4. needhelp2010

    needhelp2010 New IL'ite

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    52 views but only 1 response. Friends, what are your thoughts?
     
  5. bebe

    bebe Bronze IL'ite

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    Dear Needhelp,

    for me there is hardly anything to add to what ASG said. Hats off to you girl for standing by your brother. Speak as often as you can to your mother and make her understand thats its a play of nature. Wish you strength, dear.
     
  6. Spiderman1

    Spiderman1 Gold IL'ite

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    You are already correct about the above.

    Continue to tell your Mom that she did not do anything wrong. Neither is your brother doing anything wrong.

    Also the doctor will not be able to tell this when he was born. So, tell her that her son is still a good person, and if she starts accepting him, he would also feel more secure.
     
  7. needhelp2010

    needhelp2010 New IL'ite

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    Thanks, bebe and Spiderman. Its really hard sometimes. Today my mom got very upset at me and she said all the problems are because of me. Its because of me that dad used to get angry (as used to come back late from college) and that's why brother got scared and he became like this. She also said that she and my brother used to discuss how all the problems in my family were because of me. As soon as I was born my mom and dad seperated for a year so maybe I'm really unfortunate.

    But, I told her that I was a kid I didn't know what I was doing for college fun would have so much impact. And I got very upset, started crying and went out for a drive. At first, I thought I never want to talk to my mom again but then I thought no she does love me from inside she's talking like this cos she's upset and she doesn't have anyone to blame and get mad at. So, she's taking it out at me. I hate to see my mom so sad so its okay even if she takes it out on me, I just hope she feels better. If I also dnt be with her who will support her.
     
  8. asuitablegirl

    asuitablegirl Gold IL'ite

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    Tell her it's nobodys fault... not yours, not hers, not your dad's, not your bro's. It is just a fact of life. It would be like saying it is somebody's fault for a child being born short, or tall, or fair, or dark. It is just part of WHO he is. It can't be changed by anyone, and isn't anyone's fault.

    It is so sad that your mom would try to assign blame like this. And it definitely isn't your fault. So sorry it all got pushed onto you. :hide:
     
  9. Coffeelover

    Coffeelover Platinum IL'ite

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    It must be hard for any parents to hear about your kid's sexual orientation. Even people American people find it difficult to believe it when it comes to their kids. Please treat your brother well. Nothing is wrong with him. Your mom will acknowledge it soon or later. I know couple of married guys told their spouse about their feelings after coupe of kids. It is hard to see the women. Men moved out and these girls are stuck. In Our society, we don't have any support group.

    You brother will be ok. Don't worry about your parents. Does your brother live in US or India? Everything takes time. You are wonderful sister who supports him. Does you husband know?

    Things will be better.
     
  10. needhelp2010

    needhelp2010 New IL'ite

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    Thanks, ASG ans Coffelover. My brother is in India. I'm going to show some gay movies to my mom. I don't know how to remove this bitterness from her.

    Please keep me n my family in your prayers! Thanks.
     

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