Please help me to be ready to face this situation....

smile14 · Jul 26, 2012

I would like to share my current situation here and my though process on it.

It is all about my In Laws ans specially my MIL. As a normal MIl she is not a difference. She does not like me, does not like anything which I do, does not consider me deserving enough for his son and what not. The list is long and I know all the ladies here know it and have faced it too.

Let me start from the scratch. The main issue has been started after having my baby. When my baby was born after some days my husband had too go onsite. I am working but at that time I was on maternity leaves. It was decided before my delivery that my MIL will stay with us later on to take care of the baby when I will be joining the office. Even my FIL has decalared as a Supreme court decision our kids will not be taken care of my maid. Your mom will stay here and will take care of the baby. I was even ready to leave job but he told that don't lose money we are there to help you. Any how at the hometown they are alone as my other BIL stay here only. So they also wanted to spend their time now with children.

So finally she started living with us. So after my husband left for onsite, she has made my life hell. All the time that long face and all, she has done all kind of tantrums and all and made me go panic in those times too when after having a c-sec first baby and whose husband was away, I was already going thru a tough time. There had been a series of issue hapening and after a month I have left for my parents place.

Later I came to my In Laws place some days before my husband returned back and then we have come back to our place.

Later when my ML were over she came to stay with us. It was also a roller coster ride and every other day something or other was happening. She was not at all willing to stay with us as the main thing was she dis not want to take a responsibility and get bounded to something. She was making all excuses and what not. Time was passing somehow. Later one day she has made some scene and left our place suddenly saying she will never come back.

I was all in trouble as wht to do, how to manage the job and baby. I have taken WFH for sometime and after sometime luckily found a full time maid. So things get in place after that. I have joined my work back the that girl was staying with us only and I had all support from her for the child as well as for the household.

After sometime she(MIL) has again started coming to our place, having good time and all.

Later we have shifted to our new own home (earlier we were living in a rented small house). Then she started living with us and all the time telling us we will stay here only now with my grand child. We are getting old now and all that emotional things. She has started complaining about the maid and somehow smal small things have started happening and one day my maid has left. Then rather than being an elder person who could have extended her hand to help us in that situation whne I am left with no option and have do some arrangement for my bay to manage the job and baby, she has called her other son, complained a lot about us and just left. At that time I got so furious that I have said a lot to her and told her that If you have any self respect never ever come to my place again.

I was totally fed up woh her tantrums and many little irritatoing and heart pinching whe has been doing always, which I can not mention here.

Now I have put my kid in a day care and somehow managing all thing and really haing a tough time now a days.

Now my husband is really missing his parents. What he things is that his mother has not at all wrong at any point. She wants me to apologize and ask her to come back to us.
In his thinking I am the culprit who did all wrong things to his mother. He has seen everything but can not accept at all that his mother can do any wrong.Even in his eyes if one thing is wrong from my point even that is correct if his mother does it.

Now my point is:

1. I know and accept that this is a life long relationship and I can not expect to break it for always.
2. Todat my husband is not saying anything direct;y to me but one day he can take his deciosn and bring then here and can tell me do what ever you can, my prents will live here and I can not live without them.
3. It could be tomorrow they will come to our place with an excuse that they are missing their garnd child and want to see him / meet him.
4. They are very selfish and money minded and they know my husband is the most earning and capable pone so they cant afford to lose him at any cost.

I want to be prepared for this situation. I want be ready mentally as how to react what do in that case.
Also I know they can make my life hell in all ways so I have to be prepared for it and get ready as how to handle it.

The post is getting too long. I know that a lot of ladies here goes thru some or other way the similar kind situations.

Please give me your advice and suggestions.

ssm014 · Jul 26, 2012

Congrats dear on your baby...is it a boy or a girl

some +ve things in your case:-

You both are earning, have your won house, so no dependendce on ILs (like some of our ILites here)
You have put baby in day care, so she/ he is used to stay with 3rd party. that will aslo make baby learn to manage some things on own
if I were you, be diplomatic, you need not tell her "i am sorry" just say " I reger this happened" or something so that your self respect is also intact

have you spoken to DH abt this.what does he say
if it helps, be discrete/ diplomatic saying "while its nice for MIL to stay here with you guys, managing baby is difficult due to her old age etc..."

i dunno full extent of your situation, but can only ask you to be cool and diplomatics..dont let this affect your peace of mind

shwetanayak8 · Jul 26, 2012

I eread you post and also I went thru the same. the +ve thing is that you have a job and a baby too. first of all make your husband clear of what all happened and tell him all the facts and figures. listen to what he says. if he still feels that his mom has not done anything wrong than you can make him clear that you are his wife and also has some self respect.

MaritalBliss · Jul 26, 2012

Tell yr husband u can't live with his parents long term as it causes too many problems and misunderstandings. Distance will at least keep the reln cordial. Whatever happened, it was rude to forbid her from coming to yr place. Do apologise for that..but be firm that u can't stay with them.

apaasn · Jul 26, 2012

Dear OP,

So sorry and sad to hear your problems,poor you managing so many things.
I understand you are very stressed with the job,baby,household work and to top it all your mil making things bad.
I agree with maritalbliss you just tell your husband that you cannot stay with her.
Now you need to talk with your husband in a way he will agree to you,just say you will apologise to his mother,allow her in the house,if she wants to take care of the baby let her do it while you are working,tell your husband all these things you dont mind,BUT permanently staying and making you lose maid and increasing workload for you,you cannot tolerate that.Make him understand this point and always talk politely but firmly to your husband.
Now as far as your mil is concerned just tell her I am sorry this happened between us,I am managing work,baby,I cannot handle it without maid,so I am very stressed.Leave it at that.If she accepts and understands you,good otherwise no need to get tensed dear,tell your husband you apologised to mil,ask him what more you can do?
He will support you.Dont worry as your baby grows up,you will manage everything better and adjust.Forget and ignore your mil.Think of ladies who are housewives with no job managing baby and in laws 24/7.Concentrate on your work,be happy and make peace with your in laws (no need to fall on their feet) Life with husband will get better too with time.
Take care and good luck!

Rihana · Jul 27, 2012

Smile14,

The one thing that struck me on reading your post was that you seem to have managed the child, job and house by yourself. Instead of "we", you have said "I" about all the managing of child - WFH, find the reliable maid, put child in daycare etc. Ideally, how a couple manages child, jobs, house should be a joint effort.

coming to the actual situation, do not apologize just to make peace. If you do so, it will set a bad precedent for the future - if your in-laws do come to live with you, anytime MIL is pissed off, you will be expected to "apologize" just to appease her. Like another member suggested, you can try to diplomatically suggest that having them live with you guys won't be a good idea. But, going by your description, looks like your husband can just bring them over without your approval. In that case, you can only detach yourself from the situation and the things leading up to it. You focus on your job, your child and yourself, let husband manage his mother. Do not go out of your way to make their stay comfortable, and do not be overly dependent on MIL for any child or home related work.

You can casually tell husband how the maid left due to MIL, and how the current peace needs to be maintained if/when they come to live.

That being said, some or all of the points you have listed in 1-4, is needless worrying about things before they happen. How about following: "Never trouble trouble till trouble troubles you"?

-Rihana

kma · Jul 27, 2012

Looks like she is my MIL's twin! Your MIL is basically a self centred lady whose life mostly revolves around her comforts. As long as she is comfortable, she will stay with you. As soon as she sees some inconvenience to her, she will fight and leave.

Initially it was your FIL who showed interest in coming and looking after the baby. I wonder whether he really understood his wife's aspirations at this point. He promised on her behalf and I think she must have been really angry. She showed it on you. Coming to the present, right now you baby is going to day care and I believe she has to cook for her younger son. So maybe she wants to come again. From my personal experience, these type of mentalities will never change, they will always look for their comfort only.

Inspite of many irritations with my MIL, there is no way me or cosis can cut off with her because that affects her sons. So we both somehow put up with her, laugh off her absurdities and learnt to ignore her idiosyncracies for most of the time, my cosis more than me , since my mil used to stay with her. My husband also supports me a lot, but can change sides in the blink of an eye when my MIL puts a lost, innocent, bewildered face. Then all her drama becomes just an old person's senility, her wild talk becomes a personality who is too innocent to know how to talk etc etc. For whatever she does, her children can always find some excuse.

I also support others when they say not to aplogize to her. You can tell your husband it is his wish if he wants to invite them, but do not take responsibility of their well being by inviting them yourself. Because if later some problem crops up, all the fingers will point towards you saying youwere the one who invited them. But somehow I think parents should be able to come to their children if they want to and we should not stop them. But remaining cool when they are so selfish is a different matter and it takes some time to let them stop affecting us.Anyway wish that your BIL gets married soon so they will have an alternate home then or may be they will start to appreciate you more then!

smile14 · Jul 27, 2012

Thanks a lot everybody to give me your inputs. Am really feeling better and very clear about the situation now.

Actually I have apologized to my IL many times earlier too even when I was not totally guilt and she has always kept doing the same kind of things. The main thing with her is she wants everything to be done as per her way. She wants to be praised day and night for each and everything she does. I am finally very much pissed off by her ways. There have been instances whne I calmly sat and discussed the things with her, I have even discussed our pass issues and told her my points as what I felt bad and why. I told her that you are my MIL and we have to share this relationship for whole life now and we both have to coordinate with each other but try to understand that I am also part of this family and all other things. I did this with a respected tone calm mind and to make sure that we both overcome the past and maintain a healthy relationship.

But obviously she can not change at all. She does what she wants and finally when I have realized that she just come to our house and enjoy the facility of a maid and no responsibility. Also tries to get money and other things from us and on top of everything creates troubles between me and my husband and also break the peace and harmony of my house, I literally lost control and told her not to come here again.

But I also know it is not practical. So now I have made my mind for few things:
1. If my husband will want to meet them and reconcile. I will let him do and will not say anything as after all they are his parents and he has love and responsibilities towards them too.
2. f they will come to our place I WILL NOT APOLOGIZE. I can say that I thing whatever has happened was not correct and that situations and circumstances were like that and made me to do whatever I did. After all I am also burdened with my things.
3. If they stay at our place I will keep a formal relationship and formal conversation. Will not at all be over friendly.
4. Will stick to my own routine and way to do things. Will not go out of the way to make them happy. She has 3 sons to pamper her and to do all for her to make her happy.
I have my own baby to pamper.
4. I will keep my relationship strong and lovable with my husband as he is the biggest support for me and biggest strength in this situations. If my relationship with him get spoiled I will be left alone to face everything and it will be her win. If my relation with her is good then only he will try to understand my side.

I would like to put here that he is really understanding and supportive and do support me. But yes after an extent when it is his mother who is crying and all and showing her pains the son will surely feel to calm her and make her happy. This is practical.

MaritalBliss · Jul 27, 2012

Dear OP,

Glad to know that u have thought things thru. Just to add one more point that yr mil is done taking care of her kids, do not expect her to take care of yours. Nowadays grandparents do not want to be burdened with the responsibility of grand kids as they wanna enjoy their golden years. From yr post, it looks like yr fil forced yr mil to care for yr child, hence her unhappiness. U just manage the kid yourself, either with maid or day care. I'm staying home to care for my kids after many misunderstandings with mil and maid problems. Take care.

smile14 · Aug 23, 2012

Re: Please help me to be ready to face this situation....LATEST UPDATE

Hi All,

I would like to put here as how I have finally resolve this whole thing and how I have sorted it out.

First of all I would like to mention here that what I believe is the relationship with In Laws is a life long relation and if that gets strained it does affect the relation with husband too.

What my thought was because of whatever happened even my husband is not meeting them and it is not correct. Why should I take this blame that he is not able to meet his parents just because of me. Right and wrong comes at the next place when it is matter of parents and specially Husband's parents. So i have decided to take a mature step.

I have asked my husband that lets go and meet his parents. I feel whatever has happened was not right and I should not have spoken to her like this. I also told him that whatever I have said was never my intention and just because of the stress I was facing at that time and in anger it came out of my mouth. But I never want that they do not come to our house and do not meet us. I told him that they are your parents and I do respect them but I also never wants anybody to interfere and disturb the harmony of my house and my life.

He accepted everything and understood. And then we went to meet them. I have not at all said SORRY but I said that I felt bad for whatever happened and it was all just because of the tension and stress. I asked her to please forget everything as a bad accident. here I must appreciate her that as per my expectation she has not made any drama or said anything. She just cried and left all. And then we all had a normal chit chat. We spent the whole day with them. Had good time. I went for grocery shopping with my MIL. So overall I have finally managed to sort the things and maintain peace.

Here I have got a plus point in my husband's eye that I do take the first step and resolve things and I do care for his feeling towards his family.

Though I have made promise to myself that going forward I will keep myself in limits with In Laws and will maintain a formal relationship. Neither will I interfere in there nor will let them do so.

Thank you all for giving me your inputs and your inputs only made me think that it was rude to ask them not to come here. And also it was your words that I do not need to apologize rather just need to mention that I regret for what has happened and it should be like that. Also I do not have any expectation from them as to take care of my kid or anything like that. We have our own life and lets take care of that.