Please help me not to explode - need your prayers, harassing BIL

Dear Confused woman,

First of all, let me tip my hat off for you for courageously open on this subject recognizing the complexity involved with your inlaw's family. Clearly, your inlaws family is living in denial of your BIL's verbal abuse and making you believe it is all your imagination. They may even convince themselves that you are paranoid because you are afraid of same situation happening to you just like your DH's first marriage and therefore trying to seclude BIL out of the equation to make your marriage work.

Both you and your husband has equal responsibility to protect and defend an innocent child from any verbal abuse whether it happens in front of him or otherwise. Your BIL is a retarded human being to repeatedly abuse your family consisting of you, DH and son. If your husband is accepting the truth and telling you to accommodate as his brother is mentally sick, all your actions are correct.

But when your husband joins his family in denying such verbal abuses as your own stretch of imagination, you have a problem in your marriage. You both need to meet a psychologist immediately and discuss this openly in his/her presence. If a husband does not feel the need to accept the truth to his wife, I doubt whether his parental instinct would automatically kick in by your repeated discussions with him. He might be a great husband to you but he is definitely not a good father to your son for denying the verbal abuse of his own brother.

I am sorry if this message of mine is a disappointment to you but it is better to call a spade a spade. Your husband is wired by his parents to accept such verbal abuses from your BIL and for him to overcome that and defend his own son, he needs psychological help. Unless he overcomes his complying attitude to the unwritten family code of his, this problem would never get resolved. I would strongly suggest that you work with your husband and a psychologist to resolve this issue.

Once your husband is normal, BIL issue will disappear without a trace. My best wishes to you.

Viswa

 

Well said, Viswa sir!

OP, even if he does disintegrate where is the guarantee things will magically improve immediately. For eg., you could be blamed for causing it, some other accusations, you will still remain the villain who came in between. Forget about him for now, you need to take care of your h imo.

 

Great suggestion Viswamitra. Please see if you can get your husband to see Psychologist.

OP, focus on your son and keep him away from the BIL. Don't entertain BIL ever. Maybe celebrate birthday privately with his school friends. Your BIL issue is a life long problem and your husband will always be taking care of him. But he is not helping him either with respect to learn what is appropriate to say and what is not. Hopefully, the Psychologist can help in that area.

Take care of your finances and make sure that the education fund, house etc is covered and has your name as well.

Don't bring up BIL issue with your husband or fight over it. Only you will end up being upset and depressed.

 

Shock your husband by calling 911 or the media now. Tell them that your autistic son is being verbally abused by husband's family and watch your husband magically grow a spine and instantly distance himself from his brother. Destroy the enemy rather than playing games with him.

 

confusedwoman,

Many above have given you wonderful suggestions.

I have no extra words to make your situation better - I have been through a much much lesser similar incident and that stayed in my mind for almost an year !!!


So I just wanted to send you lots and lots of strength and hugs
HR

 

your husband's family has already lost women because of this nasty piece of .... you should tell him this time he has more to loose. he will loose his wife and son if he does not man up, and all four can live in the bubble and keep taking c*AP.

 

OP:
I don't understand why you are sticking in this marriage. You have been so desperate you have twice started divorce, you have a messed up husband and hellish inlaws.....for what are you staying? So you are a good girl who doesn't get a divorce? Or a stubborn woman who won't let the BIL win? Sadly, I think he is going to win. Why don't you cut your losses now instead of in ten years and get a better life?