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Please Help Me...my Patience Has Crossed Its Limits

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by fourthaugust, Feb 17, 2017.

  1. fourthaugust

    fourthaugust Gold IL'ite

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    Hello ladies
    Will give you a basic idea. Hubby is the only child. I have never been in a very good terms with in laws. For some reason they always tried to find fault with me and kept complaining to my parents(for e.g. why is she not preparing for bank exams ). Had fights with hubby because of them initially. Then had a miscarriage , was all alone as hubby was abroad. They did not bother to come . My parents had to come and on the top of it blamed me for the miscarriage.
    I got pregnant after a year , had severe morning sickness, was abroad, even then my mom in law had the guts to call me and abuse me for the morning sickness(yes, you heard it right). Came to India for delivery, they refused to get my delivery done, my parents took care of delivery. After delivery in just one month they asked me to come because they wanted to throw a huge party. I had to go there and took further abuses.
    Thing were never very normal as they have always been insecured and targeted me for no reason. Last year they fought with me over petty issues, I was reluctant to take abuse this time,
    so they accused me and told my hubby how bad wife I am as I bad mouth him in public(???) and a bad mother and a bad DIL and overall a bad person.
    And it did not end here. They went public and bad mouthed me everywhere. I did not care. Anyway got pregnant and again had to face horrible morning sickness. I needed help . So I called mom in law first(otherwise had to face another drama) she refused to come. My mom had to come for delivery. My mother left once my baby turned 2 months
    Also during both the pregnancies they never bothered to call me even once nor after the operation. Now my baby is 4 months old and they are planning to come next month. My anger has no limit and I am going to explode with anger and hatred towards them.
    Please ladies help me out. Suggest me how to keep my cool. Please tell me what do I do??
     
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  2. wish4miracle

    wish4miracle Silver IL'ite

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    hi fourthaugust,

    you are talking about PILs not your parents.
    Universal rule (as most of them think) of being PIL is to find a super perfect dil, 12 handed to manage 12 things at a time, good looking model despite their normal looking family, earning dil to support dh and dil expenses so that dh's salary can be used for their own, to produce grandchildren within timeline besides all their abuses/mental disturbances to dil.

    the above needs are only for dil and not for daughter. :p

    one should be superwoman to satisfy all the above needs. Don't FORGET that you are one such lady. to top that of, you have two beautiful kids. you are blessed with parents who came all the way to your place for delivery.

    let them come. whenever you feel like exploding, look at your kids. those two gifts are your life and not THEM. find ur solace in ur kids smile. leave the place if they start abusing saying some excuses on kids. whenever required, you stand up for yourself.

    if you don't stand up for yourself, you ll be bad mouthed to close family.
    if you stand for yourself, you ll be bad mouthed to extended family:D

    don't ever think that you will be appreciated anytime for anything in your life from them. they often forget that no body can be perfect in life.

    there are good PILS and i am sure their DILs are blessed to have one. what to do? not all are lucky :rolleyes: . be confident and face them. expect their verbal blows in prior and laugh to yourself if you have correctly assessed it.

    And make sure friend, that you will never be above such MIL anytime in future if you have a boy kid. that's how i have vowed myself (though i dont have a kid yet).:D
     
  3. fourthaugust

    fourthaugust Gold IL'ite

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    My issue is that I am not ready to face them now or want them to get comfortable again, since all I have got is only abuse.
     
  4. wish4miracle

    wish4miracle Silver IL'ite

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    i understand you very well. i was in a similar situation like you. i can suggest you to take this to ur hubby. how is ur hubby looking at ur issues? will he understand and stand for you?
    if so, you can make him understand your feelings and find any way to stop their travel or at least hold for a while.

    but this task may backfire you if your husband is not supportive enough to understand you. so take it slowly with him and make him understand ur situation. if u think this wont work, then don't ask him. Instead u come with a situation where you need to travel to india to some place so that u can avoid yourself with their stay.
     
  5. chocolate

    chocolate Platinum IL'ite

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    Op, You need to grow a backbone and stand firm. You let your in laws get away with nonsense until now. When they tried to blame you for willy nilly after marriage, you shud have told them off. Meaning tell them to stop blaming you for useless things. Confide in husband but fight your own battles. Next for miscarriage , unless you were doing aerobics or heavy lifting miscarriage doesn't occur. If they blamed you tell them can they confirm the same from the doctor. If they can they you will agree or else to stop it.

    Was there a reason you came back to India for delivery and not have baby there?If you in laws cant bear expense of their grandkid why boss you around to bring kid here or there.

    1 month old baby and you had to tow the baby to in laws for a party they threw. Babies that small are prone to infections and falling sick. You shud have put your foot down and said no. Going didn't make them sing your praises so why not not go and be happy.

    You really are a sucker for punishment. Inspite of all this so called warm memories with your MIL, you went ahead and called her to come to you for the second kid delivery.You are really great.

    Here is a clear picture. You have to stand up for yourself or you are looking at life long abuse of MIL. Chose the right one.Good Luck.

    P.S: Where was your dear husband when mommy dearest was spreading so much love on you? What was his take?
     
  6. Meet9

    Meet9 Silver IL'ite

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    Why are they coming when the relationship is so sour between you and them? It has gone public and your husband knows it right? I think you need to stay away from them and tell them in firm yet polite way that if they abuse you or mentally torture you, you would call cops..tell this to your DH also so that he can beforehand mentally prepare your inlaws not to torture you....
     
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  7. soulful

    soulful Platinum IL'ite

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    @chocolate .... nail on the head!

    OP< You invited your MIL for a favor after all she has done. The message she got ? You are a floor mat and CAN BE WALKED OVER. You must grow a spine.

    BE independent. Be strong and confident that you can handle your kids. Set up a time table/routine BEFORE SHE COMES OVER so that everything works like clockwork, when she is here. Ensure she realizes she is not required anymore.

    You bend over backwards and got abuse. How much worse can it get if you stand up for yourself? Now, when stand up, do it tactfully. Back answer rarely works, especially if H sees you re being "disrespectful" :rolleye:
    If she says anything that hurt (like blaming you for miscarriage) - smile & walk away. It hurts but do not show it on your face in her presence. I promise, after a while of practicing this method, you won't even feel hurt. (I was in your situation a year back and my MIL too said I miscarried because I was "careless"- I neither smiled nor said anything, walked away. I remember the fact but don't really care. 8 years of practice makes you grow a thick hide :buenrollo:)

    When you feel like exploding or venting, come here to blow off steam.

    BTW, what is your H's take on all this cr@p?
     
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  8. Elsa

    Elsa Gold IL'ite

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    As the others have written, you shouldn't have invited your inlaws in the first place.

    But I would say, let them come and go whenever they please. But do not keep quiet if they illtreat you. Stay strong. They are your husband's parents, so they can visit him any time. But they have no right to be mean to you.

    It would be better if you can manage to take care of yourself as much as possible. Or else Hire a nanny if your pocket permits. Do not keep cooking them 3 hot meals a day, let them eat whatever you eat every single time.
     
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  9. santhisantosh

    santhisantosh Bronze IL'ite

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    Plz visit a psychologist.get rid of anger as it wil spoil your mind as slow poison.talk to your hubby about your stress situation after they (in-laws)arrive.stand for your self respect every time.never depend on anyone in this world expect yourself .
     
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  10. fourthaugust

    fourthaugust Gold IL'ite

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    Thanks ladies
    While I appreciate your inputs, all I am looking for a practical approach to bear them and make them understand that they are not welcomed here ever....all these years I have done enough..I always stand up for myself but with this they create more ruckus, more drama, they call me spoilt, question my parents upbringing...
    My husband's stand is if you do not reply them back they will not get offended so bear at least for couple of times and what happens..true but its me who cannot bear any of those abuse as they never really helped me anyway...For seeking help , I am strong enough to take care of my kids but sometimes people do need help if health fails them...regarding asking for her help..I knew that she would not come but this was just a show that I put up in front of my husband to show them their true colors...and he understood that part pretty much but he still insists that I do not reply them..
    I dont have big expectations from my husband because I have seen men in my house and any other house and they dont come for the rescue of their wives in such matters...
     

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