Please help... I need some sane advice

Ria, I have actually let it go. On the face of it, I do not mention anything as to why my SIL or even her SIL is staying here.
But it was bugging me from inside as things were going too far.
Anyways, last week the lady has gone back to her house till my SIL gets a place.


As for the finance part, I have given my husband lump sum amounts on more than one occasion for help in his biz. This is not the only time.
Its not as if I do not want to give him, it is my FIL's attitude that is irritating. If I am giving, they keep insinuating now and again, that I should give more. As if I get it without any hard work.:bangcomp:


Another issue is, my parents are also aged. I have no brothers, so it is me and my sisters who will need to help them when the occasion arises. Will my in-laws allow my husband to give me anything when such a time comes?
And also, like i mentioned earlier, there is no savings at all with hubby, should
I not take steps to save for our future?
Or just spend unnecessarily?

As it is, my husband makes a neat sum and gives everything there. Not one paisa is saved.

Don't I have a right to invest in our future?

 

And not that I want to sound big or anything, but I even give my MIL a small amount every month for her personal expenses from my pocket. (it is other way round in my sister's case, MIL gives her! )

Also, i used to pay towards monthly household expenses and home (cum business) telephone bill when i was there , so its not like i was not giving anything. I still pay the telephone bill though I am not staying there anymore.

 

Rajmi, the main reason they yell is cause i am veg, but they want non-veg. They used to try to make me to eat nveg. which i do not want.

I work on computers, and am planning to expand my work too as my clients are wishing to send more work my way. Hence my hesitation to step in with hubby. If we have to work together, we have to find a way out how to balance both, else we cannot to justice to his or my work.

Eventually, I want to purchase a house as they are living on rent since over 50 years. Whereas my parents have a place of their own (another city) and we have always been brought up knowing the importance of having one's own place.

So, the thing is, while I would love to help my hubby, I know that all the amount will go to in-laws. Not at all practical. Hence the need to keep my own work going.

Also like i just mentioned, my parents also are aged, much older than both my in-laws. I have to see them too. I think it is only practical that I should be financially secure if I have to do something for them if required.

As far as SIL is concerned, I have a very good rapport with her. Either my hubby or I go with her to check out for the house. I have placed ads on the net, my hubby contacts brokers daily. We are doing all we can for her to find a good place. And yes, I know it is not correct to talk about money matters to her. I do not do so at all.

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Coming to my step-daughter, it is a long story. Even before marriage, i told hubby that i would love to "adopt" your daughter, so if required let us do it on paper. He refused saying it is not required. I also thought so as I "automatically" become her mom by virtue of being her "step-mom". She is not a baby, and has been brought up my MIL. So is attached to her. I tried to take it easy initially and used to teach her and stuff, trying to strike a balance to be with her as well as not hurt my MIL's sentiments.

My MIL did not allow her to get close to me from the start as she feels too much insecurity. I used to understand and let it go, but it gets too painful when she has taught D (step-daughter) to mock me and make faces. (again, she has not taught her directly, but when all the time she is talking bad about me even in front of the child, the child definitely gets influenced). In-laws will never correct the child when she behaves badly towards me. In fact, they encourage it. Hubby corrects her sometimes. He does not like what his parents are doing and its influence on the girl. Whenever he has mentioned it to them, they take my name and say nasty things. Then they say, she is not your daughter (to my hubby), she is our daughter. Hubby feels very bad about this sort of statements, and gets angry with them.

I cannot have children, and mil started getting angry with that as the underlying reason. So I feel she has taken it out in this way.

Even now, tho staying separate, I am very pally with D, I encourage her to learn many new things, but MIL will put her down by telling her to learn other things, not what I say. I only smile and tell her "sure let her learn that, no problem, it will help her anyways whether she learns this or that".

Whenever I wanted to take her for activity classes in holidays, MIL and FIL keep criticizing what I want to teach the child. Let her be.

In the first year of my marriage, I took her with me to my parents' place as no one ever has gone for a holiday here at my in-laws. Plus add to it that she is a growing girl and needs some exposure to persons of her own age. She has no friends other than the ones at school.

Here they do not allow her to make friends. When I started encouraging it, I was told to back off.
All I am trying is to make the girl "grow well". But I feel my in-laws use this against me.
For now, I have just let it be as it is and leave her to study on her own, sit at home and watch TV. I play with her running, catching, indoor games when I am there or she comes to my place (our separate home).
Btw, she enjoyed throughly the entire one month that she was at my mom's place as the building is full of kids, and I took her to many outings as well.
She even had a bed-wetting problem, which I helped her get out of while we were on holiday there.

Where studies were concerned, they used to yell (when the girl cried) saying her mother was only IInd standard, so why should she study. My hubby wants his daughter to study well as he did not get a chance to complete his own education due to joining FIL's business. Even my SIL's all were made to drop out of school for the same reason (work was from home, you see).

Now when I have stopped making her study, my MIL realizes the value and asks me to teach her, I tell her I am always ready to do so. But the seeds of negativity that MIL has sown will not go easily from D's mind. I try to continue doing what I can for her, I know someday she will think back about it.

Anyways, even though I stay separate, I visit in-laws practically daily and be friendly with her. With in-laws things are "cool" on the outside, though MIL keeps taunting to me and hubby quite often. I just ignore it now. But it definitely hurts on the inside.

 

hi dears,
No replies from any of you?

 

Rajmi,
What do you feel? Esp. with regards to my s-daughter? Should I be doing things differently?


Firstly, they have to be ready to accept me in that position as her "mother".

Only recently, mil is telling her, when she teaches you, respect her as a "tuition teacher". Why? Don't i have any other status for the girl other than being a teacher? (ps-I did not say anyhting to mil).


She has never ever told her to call me "mom", my youngest sil encouraged the girl to do so. Mil still sulks whenever D calls me "ma".