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please help.. dont know what to do..

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by worldstage, Aug 25, 2014.

  1. worldstage

    worldstage New IL'ite

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    Hi friends


    first of all i would start my post by apologing because it is going to be lengthy post. I cant discuss it with friends or family, so thought of sharingit with you and seeking for some advice.


    Little background- it hasbeen 7 years since i have been married.i have one son who is 5 years old but living with his nana-naani (this is different story) and second is on way.i have planned c section on 2 september. In my family i have mil, bil who is college going and sil who is married.


    now coming to the point.. i am more qualified than my husband. In academice he was very bad. When we got married i was childish enough not to guve it a thought. I just wanted my husband to respect me and my family that time. I never knew what else one should look for in a groom to lead a good life. We got married and since beginning, he was very loving and caring. After 6 months of marriage, his business took a down side and he had to close it. Meanwhile i aas working in a good company. He tried here and there for jobs but no luck. He is the person who cant work under nybody. He opted for one job or another but couldnt continue it. It's been now morethan 6 years situtation is same. He started one business 2 years ago with a partner but no success. In this businessthe investment was quite high. During these years, my sis in law got married amdhad to spent there also. I am working since then. My milis also working buther income is negligible. All bills and loans pays by my salary. During this whole period i never pretended or showed that i m the one who is managing whole thing. I love my husband and i know he loves me more. I cant see him sad or in tension. He never says no to me. I have given my debit card / credit card so that his male ego doesnt hurt.
    My husband is very careless types of person but a 100 percent family man. Everyone praises him in both families. But i dont like his few things which i think is a block in his career. He always watches a lot of television which i think is a waste of time. He forgets everything , things which are important. He is so into outdoor trips. He is currently out os station, we ae financially broke but still he went with friends. He could have saved that money for the baby but hedidnt. Where i always restrict myself of buying things thinking it is a waste of money. I feel very depressed. He has excuses for all things.i just dont fgue much and say anything badto him thinking it will hurt him. But at the same time, i cried a lot and dont talk to him properly. Because he always listen doesnt say anything. When he speaks he only says that i know i am not good for you. You should have not married me. And i feel so bad i just cant explain in words. Then i think it is about money...ok i will earn it. But our expenses are more than earning.
    He is so good, he takes care my family also..never uttered bad things about them. I am so confused how can i make him more resonsbile and tell him he should take things seriously now. He doesnt want to change though he says he will try. But i know he wont.


    I know it is very long post. But i would really appreciate your help.
     
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  2. pear

    pear Gold IL'ite

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    op,
    1.Take responsibility for the money you earn.
    2.You should close or remove the credit card from his hand(to avoid spending money you dont have).
    3.Allot pocket money for his use ,if it looks offensive give part of the salary to manage house to him.(you can shift part money to another account and still leave the debit card with him)
    4. Dont inform about increments.
    5.start Recurring deposits in kids name.
    WE forum users could give more ideas ,but at the end of the day you need to grow some spine.
    Finance at the hands of the irresponsible person will leave you in 100% mess.Try to take the finance into your hands (its not easy).this could also help him to concentrate on his earning.
    If he plays the card "iam not good for you." tell him that you feel "you are not good in finance because you have a heart of gold" or such hearty ready reply.
    best wishes and prayers
     
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  3. sacredbell

    sacredbell Silver IL'ite

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    To get a job and earn money is easy. Many people can do it.

    But to have an easygoing mind, despite of all setbacks and failures, is unique.
    Even after all such failures, if he is able to behave well with you, your family and his family then he is very sweet person. Such personalities are rare.
    So do not try to change his character. He will not change either.

    All you can do is to limit pampering him by feeding all your income for his activities.
    You must make a financial planning for the family. He should earn himself at least for his expenditure. Tell his parents also to help you out in this regard.
     
  4. Shina

    Shina Gold IL'ite

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    I think u need to sit down with him on the pretext that new member is coming in family so we will have to plan our finances. Treat him as a responsible person and ask him for ideas where expenses can be curtailed.Have a nice calm conversation without blaming him or getting emotional. Fix equal pocket money for both of you that u can spend in a month.do some advance planning and have all the accounts details there so he can see for himself and appreciate whats going on. Plan out most of the monthly expenses in advance in detail and he can have a copy of the plan.

    He also needs counselling so that that he can get out of this mentality and is able to hold on to a job. Good luck.
     
  5. Iamagoodgirl

    Iamagoodgirl Platinum IL'ite

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    Why are you having second baby in this condition?
     
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  6. YoGirl

    YoGirl Gold IL'ite

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    Do men who are the breadwinners feel the same way?
    That their wives are spending all his hard earned money on jewellery, shopping, watching TV..etc..Just a thought
     
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  7. Ragini25

    Ragini25 Platinum IL'ite

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    ^yes yogirl, good qn, If he is generally responsible (which is a separate qn), then stay at home hubby shud be ok if stay at home wives ok? What if hubbies question stay at home wives?
     
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  8. pear

    pear Gold IL'ite

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    dear Yogirl & Ragini ,

    Working husbands and spendaholic wives also not a good combo. No gender bias for irresponsible behavior.

    Working ladies had to worry about child bearing.The op here is due for a 'c' sec in a week and now bothered about her home condition.

    How long do you think the poor mom will be able to feed her baby or rest herself ?

    Already her first child in the custody of her parents.Could she afford to take care of her 2nd child as she had to rush back to her job(mostly the pay low during maternity leave)

    Is it not the responsibility of the H to reduce her earn load?
    instead of reducing expenses he goes tour after tour swiping her credit card after finishing her bank balance.
     
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  9. Ragini25

    Ragini25 Platinum IL'ite

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    Correct, Yes this is why I wrote the qn on responsibility, that if he was responsible then it can work out, else it gets to what ur saying
     
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  10. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    If the husband is doing all the work that a house wife does...then there should not be an issue.The husband can't go on fun holidays with friends,sit in front of tv .....while the wife take care of not only their needs but also his parents not to mention do the usual wifey stuff like being pregnant,giving birth ,nurse the baby....etc
     
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