Please guide me

Hi,

Sorry for the unfortunate events in your life.
Things just happen in life. Not because of others.

Moreover your mother whatever she has told you, I am pretty much sure she would love you. Sometimes they just don't get the words right. Your hurt might actually be felt by her, but she would not have told you.

Try to forget and forgive things in life and that will not only make things smoother between relationships but help you to heal and move on in life and relax as well.

You might not agree with me, but I felt that leaving some hurts behind will make one progress in life.

Take care,
Vaidehi

 

Hi Guideme,

Sorry to hear about your miscarriage. I am understand why it hurt you when your mom told everyone inspite of you telling her not to. She shouldn't have especially because you wanted to wait. Not just among Indians but among westerners too its very common not to reveal pregnancy until 3 months. Doctors say that 80% of miscarriages happen in the first trimester and that 1 out of 4 pregnancies lead to miscarriages. So it is ok to be secretive about the news and everyone should respect your wishes as you are the pregnant woman.

In regards to your moms motives.. I think she was just excited about it and wanted to share it with everyone. Clearly she doesn't share the same views as you in terms of keeping it a secret for 3months. It is unfortunate you miscarried but dont blame it on your mom or the fact that she shared it. She is your mom at the end of the day she didnt do it with bad intentions. Let it go and focus on the present so you can stay stress free and have a clear mind to focus on your future.
Also I think you are overthinking this in terms of comparing this incident with your brothers marriage news etc and thinking negatively about your mom. Dont do that OP. Its a different matter all together.
Its hard for parents to accept their mistakes and own up to it. If everybody accepted their mistakes and said the right things to us to pacify us it would be a different world all together.
Also about your mom saying its her duty to takecare etc instead of saying differentl, should be taken lightly too. Indian moms (from my experience) say a lot of things and add its their duty at the end of the sentence. My mom does dat too. Its irritating but they do say things like that. Not because they dont love us or that they wont do it for us out of love but they see their duty as a bigger thing to fulfill. Dont think about this negatively as you will keep taking everything your mom says negatively then. Forgive mom for her mistake with outing your pregnancy early. Next time when you get pregnant (very soon ), dont tell her until 3 months simple.

My piece of advise is that, forgive your mom for her mistake and have a positive relationship with her. If you keep worrying about her small mistakes or her undiplomatic words then it will continue to be a negative relationship and will worsen with time as in your eyes she will continue to look wrong in everything she does and say.Trust me, having a good relationship with mom is very important in a girls life (if its not an abusive mom - yours does sound good and excited for you ). Goodluck with everything

 

@guideme,sorry for your loss...sometimes miscarriage happens for no reasons...but this is not the end of hopes....don't worry you will soon have a baby..my best wishes are with you.....
Clearly your mother didn't respect your wishes and was not so worried for you which normally a mother should be.....that's why even after deciding not to tell anyone, she told to whole family.....obviously it didn't happen by mistake as she told to many people...saying,ylou r not the only one to be pregnant or miscarried, to anyone is really rude and to some extent cruel, no matter in whatever context it is said.....I can't imagine it coming from a mother to daughter.....as even though every woman gets pregnant since eternity but still for us it is we only when we get pregnant...for us our feelings are special and unique and same consideration we want from our family....
You already know that your mother favours your brother over you....so try to digest this fact now and expect little less love and pampering from your mother now onwards.....You are a mature woman , you can handle your feelings and at least now at this age you can stop craving for your mother's love, attention and pampering....now stop being a kid to your mom and deal with her as an adult...expecting too much of a love and caring from your mom will bring only hurt to you....

In this whole episode your mother fault was, she didn't keep your secret and said some bad things which hurt your feelings....please understand apart from hurting your feelings your mom has no hand in your miscarriage.....her crime is not that big.....somehow from your post it seems that somewhere in your heart you consider your mom somehow responsible for your miscarriage.....You feel like ....see she shared the news and said you are not the only one.....and now it happened.....You feel like that even if miscarriage happens to me ,my mother has no concern about it.....it's same for her as for her it happens to everyone in the world.....but it may not be true....your mom might be as troubled and as sad as you are because of your miscarriage...
Be reasonable and logical...don't associate what your mother said or done to your miscarriage.....see both of these incident as separate incidents....

 

Hugs to you Op.Sorry for your loss and heartbreak.
Your mom is definitely not the sensitive kinds.Good you let her know.
It is healthy to let people know they hurt you. If children and parents can't tell each other this ,then who can.

Don't feel bad.You got it off your chest.Next time she will be careful and that is healthy too.

Hope you get good news again soon.
You can let mom know after the baby is born with a cute baby picture....HUH!!!...just joking :-D

Hugs op....She was insensitive and you gave her a piece of your mind.Don't feel bad about it.hugsmiley

 

For me keeping pregnancy news amongst close circle has nothing to do with warding evil eye. When my sis got pregnant after a long time we shared the news with our close circle. But somehow news spread. My sis miscarried and a year later on during india visit a distant relative innocently asked "where is the baby ?". She fumbled for words (she was least prepared for an answer to that q)when I changed the topic and later told the aunty that we lost the baby. The aunty was also mortified.

Having to inform everybody on a negative pregnancy status is not a happy thing to do.

Since most miscarriages happen during first trimester it is perfectly logical to keep it a secret for that duration.

op, your mother was out of line and you shared your feelings with her. But be guarded. She does not seem like a sensitive person and does not know what to speak. But she is certainly superstitious. Forgive her mistake. But learn from it.

 

OP, I feel that you are over-thinking this. I went through a similar experience as you, lost a pregnancy but had blabbered to all and one that we were expecting. We had not asked parents to not tell anyone and they also told extended family. And then the inevitable happened. When I told my MIL, she just told me that "oh, that's okay... it happens. This person also lost her pregnancy and that person also lost her pregnancy etc." That was her way of consoling me and also telling me that it was not my fault. Some people are like that, their reactions are more matter-of-fact. I think with your mom, it is more a case of not knowing what to say and how to say it than anything else.

My mom also is in a way like that. When I was a kid, if I complained of how tired I feel or how I have a headache or a stomach ache or whatever when I was a kid, she would just say it's all in my head and to get up and do something useful instead of complaining like an old lady about aches and pains!

Also, first trimester miscarriage is way more common that we'd care to think. I understand that this doesn't take away the pain in any way, of losing a pregnancy, but it is common. And people know it. I am sure people will either not just ask you about it or if they do, just a simple "yeah, it was a difficult time" should suffice.