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Please guide me

Discussion in 'Parents & Siblings' started by GuideMe, Jan 28, 2016.

  1. GuideMe

    GuideMe Senior IL'ite

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    Hello Friends, I have always been lurking on this site, never really posted anything. It has been tremendously helpful to read all suggestions and advice here. I need some help today to sort out my feelings.

    I am married for 7 years and finally got pregnant in Oct 2015. We were happy but anxious at the same time. My parents also were happy and we mutually decided not to tell anyone until 3 mnths have ended. But even after deciding, my mother told everyone in her family as well as my dad's family the VERY NEXT DAY. I came to know when someone pinged me "Congratulations".I felt deeply betrayed. I was very angry and asked her what if something goes wrong and she said "you won't be the only one in this world" I didn't expect that. I was expecting that she would apologize or at least say, Don't say like that. Everything is going to be Ok. But she didn't! I kept quiet then. Exactly 3 months later, to the day, I miscarried. Ever since she said that, I have been carrying this horrible feeling about what she said, which worsened with my miscarriage. So now my brother's marriage is almost fixed and she has been telling me how she is keeping it a secret until it is all finalzed so that "an evil eye is not cast and everything ges smoothly" Today I could not keep it in any longer andd told her that she will do everything and anything to ensure her family's functions go of well, but when it comes to me, she has no such concern. She defended herself, never once said "sorry, I should not have said that and yes I understand how you feel etc etc." Now I feel that what is the point? I told her and she doesn't feel as if anything she did was wrng. I suffer and to top it I am feeling bad that I yelled at her. After all she is my mother, she cannot be selfish, can she?

    I understand miscarriages happen commonly and need to be taken in your stride. But hearing that you won't be the only one from my own mother is what hit me hard.

    Please help me sort out my feelings here. I am going around in circles, justifying my feelings as also trying to convincing myself she didn't mean it.

    For some background - We are not very emotionally expressive. I have always felt she is favours my brother more (She is one of those I-want-a-son-kinds and openly told me since childhood. My dad is NOT!). I can't claim she has disadvantaged me in any particular way but I don't feel a motherly warmth from her either.

    Am I going crazy?

    Thank you so much everyone.

    I knw it is not that big an issue as some others here, but I would appreciate your help
     
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  2. generic

    generic Gold IL'ite

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    It is definitely an issue according to me..Becz a mother should be the one person whom you can trust to keep your secrets safe from the whole world..it is common for moms to love their sons more..but they are also quite protective about their daughters..and definitely no mom would want to prematurely break the news of her daughters pregnancy till first trimester is completed and everything is confirmed to be ok...she has been unfair by being more protective of her son than daughter...and the dialogue "you won't be the only one" is expected from a mother in law maybe but definitely not from a mother of a woman who has conceived after 7 yrs of marriage and may have complications considering age..there maybe some unresolved issues lying underneath. all said n done she has realised her mistake..if it's so difficult for her to keep secrets then maybe next time you conceive you can let her know a little late, say after completion of 3 months.
     
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  3. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    Miscarriage has got nothing to do with what your mother has told others.

    When I got pregnant for the first time, I was so happy that I am gonna be a mother. So is my mom. We announced this good news among our circle of family members and friends. So everyone congratulated me.
    When I informed this to MIL, she was like "wait... you are only 6 weeks, and it is not certain until it is 3 months". I didn't take this seriously.
    But when one of my friend's mom wished my MIL at a temple upon this good news, she refused to accept the fact that I was pregnant. She said no.. it is not confirmed.
    Then she came to my place and scolded me in loud voice with the same message as per your post, OP.
    She said what if you miscarry? What if someone caste an evil eye? Why did you tell this to all?
    Then only I've started to feel so upset and confused about my pregnancy. In fact, I've started to feel some lower abdominal pain due stress and I really felt as if I was gonna miscarry then.
    Thank God, my mom stood by me. She spoke exactly the same as your mom.
    She asked me to stay positive about this. Because keeping negative thinking like "what if I miscarry? what if others caste evil eye" would only affect me and the child in my womb.
    Stress and uncertainty might cause severe hormonal imbalance; hence it may be a reason to miscarry.
    So she asked me not to panic, but to go by the doctors word. The doctors never warned me of miscarriage or anything. So it should be fine, right?
    More so, my mom has asked me to put everything in the hands of God, and relax. '
    Further she said one thing... What if you miscarry? Are you gonna be the first in the world to miscarry? is it a crime? No. If that is to happen, then accept it.
    Why worry over something negative and spoil the mood now? Why can't you enjoy this good news and be happy. It made some sense to me.
    So, I ignored my MIL and started to feel happy.
    My boy is now 5 years old.

    Exactly the same thing happened in both of our lives. But we took them differently.

    I am sure, your unwanted stress over your pregnancy, specially after your mother's announcement has caused you mental stress. Not sure whether it influenced the miscarriage or not. Bur definitely it is affecting your healing process after this miscarriage. It is gonna affect your TTC times further more. So, relax.

    Getting pregnant is not a rocket science. Like wise, miscarriages are none of your fault. All are the matters of your fate. Leave it up to God.

    I can't still forget those wishes and affection from my loved one upon hearing my pregnancy even today. Those morning sickness days, those special food prepared for me by those neighbors and relatives then, and those emotional changes/advises from others etc..etc... oh god.. First trimesters are always special, that too for the first time moms. Why do you want to keep it secret?


    I've seen this from many Indians. Even my MIL is an Indian too.
    Why do you all think that announcing pregnancy can cause miscarriage? Why do you all think that any child in the womb is at the risk of miscarriage? No, unless it is advised by the doc otherwise, generally they are well cushioned inside the womb. Miscarriage won't happen to anyone just like that.

    Why do you worry so much about evil eye, by forgetting your God is up above and willing to protect. Instead of worrying so much about evils, why can't you rest at peace with the thought of God's protection?
     
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  4. crazywriter

    crazywriter Platinum IL'ite

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    OP, you are not crazy. What happened to you should not have happened. Your mother should not have said what she did.

    While SGBV's mother told her the same thing, I think it was in a different context, and it was meant to make her strong, and take things as they come, and not to demoralise or discourage her. No offense meant to you, SGBV :)

    Please be careful henceforth, you should learn your lesson with this incident. It is clear that your mother feels differently about you and your brother. Be careful about what you confide in her. She has shown that she doesn't think too much about your feelings.

    While you can say that she was very excited about your pregnancy and wanted to share it with everyone, her responses to your reactions were not correct.

    The next time you conceive (you will soon), keep the news to yourself and your DH till you cross to the safe side.
     
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  5. generic

    generic Gold IL'ite

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    Those who believe in concept of evil eye, nazar etc would surely be upset with such incidents..there maybe many people in the family and friends circle who are jealous of the family for some reason or the other..and these days there are very few who genuinely feel happy with other's good fortune..to safeguard against negative energies only elders break any kind of happy news like pregnancy or marriage in family circle only after confirming everything..atleast that's how it's done in my family circle..many aunts give news of daughters or dil pregnancy after 4 months only..minimum 3 months..very rarely have I come across any case where I got to know of a friend's or relatives pregnancy in the first trimester so apparently lot of families follow this!
     
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  6. momsky

    momsky Gold IL'ite

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    deleted post, sorry
     
  7. GuideMe

    GuideMe Senior IL'ite

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    That is the issue. SHe is neither sorry for what she has done nor does she accept she has done somethign wrong. When I tld her how I felt, she saidd I don't understand how you think. If srangers n the internet can understand hw I feel, how can a mother not?

    SGBV, I agree, miscarriages are nobody's fault and happens often. But what you don't understand is WHY I am upset. first, it is not just in India, but also in the west that pregnancies are a kept a secret. Second, why it bothers me more is that she kept my brother's wedding thing a secret until everything was finalized just because she did not want an evil eye to ruin his good times. DOn't get me wrong. I want everything for my brother to go well too. I want him to be happy. But what I don't get is the double standards. the betrayal. I neither cared for my feelings nor my wishes. And plus instead of assuring me and giving confidence that everuthing will be ok, she said you won't be the first woman. Unlike your mother. Like Crazywriter said - your mom had a different context. When I expressed my fears, instead of making me relax, she accentuated it. HAd I not lost my baby conceived 7 years after marriage, I could have and would have let it go. But unfortunately I did lose my baby. And yes, that makes it all very different

    Eactly. Had it not been her completely different reaction to my brother's thing and mine, I would have let it go. I love my brother and do wanhim to be happy. I wish and pray his life is what he and his would-be-wife want it to be. He has been the most supportive during this period. Just wish I could forgive and forget about this issue with my mother. Miscarriages are common, but such reactions from a mother are not. Hence the need for this post. Thanks for giving me hope, Crazywriter :)

    Thanks a lot Generic, SGBV and Crazywriter, for taking time to assure me I am not overthinking it.

    Thank you
     
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  8. chocolate

    chocolate Platinum IL'ite

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    Op,Take care of yourself.Sorry for your miscarriage. What your mom did was unfair.This incident shud be an eye opener to you. Next time you conceive, don't tell your mom until 3 months are over. Her lighthearted talk about your pregnancy is also not a good thing to hear when pregnant. Save yourself some trouble and don't utter a word until 3 months r over.Also when you conceive and deliver see to it that you have another support apart from your mom like MIL or nanny who are good to you. You don't want to end up worrying about your baby post delivery.Seeing how your mom responded I have a feeling , you will be tending to baby along with recovery .Think about all this and have a sound back up.Good Luck.
     
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  9. GuideMe

    GuideMe Senior IL'ite

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    Thanks Chocolate. She keeps telling me, I will take care f your child delivery because it is my duty (As in, per society rules, first delivery for daughter needs to be at mom's place). That's it? Because it is her duty? Nothing else? Won't she do it because me just because I am her child? These thoughts are killing me. I know I am supposed to focus on the good, be happy so i can start trying again. But it hurts!
     
  10. Swasha

    Swasha Gold IL'ite

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    Dear OP,

    I am soo sorry for your loss considering the fact that it was after 7 yrs. My heart melts for you and can very well understand that how much mental and physical trauma you are undergoing.

    Regarding the issues you have raised, I have totally a different perspective.

    First, with your Mom sharing the Good News of your pregnancy with relatives

    Here I can see a Mother who is very excited to share the news with everyone. Since your Marriage and All these 7 yrs she might have had felt the pressure from your relatives to deliver the Good News of your pregnancy. Once she knows that you were pregnant, she might have had a difficulty to keep it to herself. So she might have shared this with others in the moment of an excitement Which is quite understandable.

    Second, Mother saying that you are not the 1st person

    She could have dealt this with you in a better way but there is a possibility that she was trying to defend herself. Her Ego might have stopped her from conveying Sorry to you. You know after all she is an elderly lady.I feel that her main intension was to lighten the pregnancy topic

    Third, Not sharing the details of your Brother's Alliance with Relatives

    Generally in Marriage matters, there would definitely be some jealousy relatives who try very hard to spread rumors and break the good alliances. As they can pose potential risk,This might be the reason for your Mom for not sharing the alliance details with your relatives, . Where as sharing your pregnancy news with relatives doesnot pose much risk to you and your baby in her point of view.

    So it is also quite understandable from your Mother's point of view.

    So, I would Suggest you to Not to combine these 2 Topics and Spoil your mood, Health and relationship with your Mom. Leave it there and focus on what need to be done for coming future. Plan accordingly. Take Proper Rest, Take advice from your Doctor regarding the diet, health and Future Pregnancies. Focus on How you can keep your body fit for the next pregnancy, Hit the Gym. Put away all these negative thoughts behind your head. and Move on.

    Forgive and Forget, this is the best you can do for yourself.

    All the best Dear
     
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