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Please Guide me ..

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by vydehi, Oct 16, 2007.

  1. vydehi

    vydehi New IL'ite

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    Hi all
    I am totally confused,depressed and dont knoww to where to start from.
    My marriage is 10months old and is a arranged marriage.
    My husband liked me and though their dowry range did not match marriage happened.Ofcourse my husband loves me.I dont know how many times i cried alone , to get rid off pain and anger in me i start talking to walls and burners when i am alone . The thing which kills me the most is his mother. she really acts very well in his presence. she talks really very sweetly in his presence. My husband will never beleve any of my words against his mom . Adding to this my MIN and SIN presented me many valuables on my marriage and my closet here is filled with clothes presented by them.so nothing can go against their theory in my house here.In the very begining I and MIN used to share a good raport wich my SIN didnt like and slowly started poisioning my MIN brain. all of my problems started from there.They started commenting my relatives who came to my marriage. Initially i didnt care it but it began to get worsen . My husband always makes fun of my Father and THIS really hurts me like hell. I never said anything against his dad.mmom or anyone from his family. My husband's nature is very strange his temper rises if I say anything ELSE than 'Yes' to what ever he says.I hate that. I had got nothing of my choice. I have to wear everything what my SIN ,MIN brings for me. If I tell him I dont like this and I need my choice of things he really gets mad of me.. he starts saying'OK they are fools for spending their time and money in selecting things for you' kind of .. They dont allow me to wear anything that my Mom gave me. when my mother asks me about that in phone I dont understand what to speak out.
    She keeps on praising my In-Laws. Whenever i get homesick my husband starts consoling me in his strange way like ' are you the only girl in this world who is away from parents'. I feel like hell when he says that. I am leaving to India in few months and you know what he says, I should stay in my in-laws home and when i feel like seeing my parents i can go stay there for few days and come back again to my in-laws place. I cant stay with my MIN. She always makes me work .. like makes me clean the windows,tables,showcase things ...carpet edges.. all stupid things. She made me do that in my SIN's House too. I am not even given a descent place to sleep in my SIN's Place to sleep . they made me sleep on floor that too to their leg side. I felt very badd. why cant I simply say them I dont want to sleep their on the floor?!! wht cant i tell my MIN that am not interested to clean the carpets in others house?!!
    My husband is toooo sensitive and once when I argued with him raising my voice he started hurting himself on his throat heavily with his fist...dat might have really killed him if he did it few more times. That was the first and last time i argued. I hat him when he makes fun of my dad, my family. I always keep thinking of running away from married life. I should daily make Calls to my MIN and SIN and talk to them,dats the rule of my husband. These days I am talking to them only when he is by my side. I started looking for some ashramam details where i can go and hide myself from this married world but the thought what my husband might do to himslef really scares me.even if i leave to some Ashramam or whatever i cannot stay without talking to my mother. I feel like hell living my life. I hate asking permissions to my husband and MIN for every small move of my life. I hate staying in my In-Laws home even after going to India for few days.His over sensitive nature is killing me like hell. No fun nothing in life. No fnds.No weekends no movies nothing. I simply stay at home 24/7. what Should I do . How should I fight back when he makes fun of my family. How should I recieve all these things.
    Sorry, for all those whom I have bored with this post of mine but I couldnot stop myself writing this here as this forum is my only hope to get rid off my problems.
    Thank you ALL.
     
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  2. jooti

    jooti New IL'ite

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    hi vydehi, i just want to share something with you, most mother-in-laws (MIL), sisiter-in-law(SIL), treat daughter in law(DIL) like this, in way or another. I am also in similar situation, my inlaws make fun of my family, always tell me negative things about them to me, i just NEVER respond to them. Then they stop on their own, because you are not arguing with them. Someone told me, that just because someone says your family is bad , doens;t make them so, you know in your heart how your family/father is. Once i spoke back to my inlaws, and if you read my previous threads, you;ll know that my marriage is still suffering from it, but i had been hurt too much, and these people just wouldn;t stop. my mil/sil are very cweet to me in front of my husband too, but behind his back they laugh/talk about me while looking at me! Please be strong! there are alot of people your shoes, i don;t know why us dil;s have to suffer so much! try to tell you husband in a nice way, when he;s in a good mood, that you would like to sometimes pick out your own clothing etc. i would love to leave here, but my husb/inlaws will never let me rise my kid on my own, so for now i guess i have to make the best of the situation. call your mom, don;t let them stop you! i do, even though they make faces when i pick up the phone and say hi mom! like my friend told me, pick your battles, somethings, you can let go, let inlaw have their way, but somethings, you must also have achoice on your own. take care!!
     
  3. lmani

    lmani Senior IL'ite

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    Go see laga chuniriri me daag.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 16, 2007
  4. Sashmitaa

    Sashmitaa Senior IL'ite

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    Hi Vaidehi

    Welcome to IL. Welcome to wives club where not only you many of us have the same problems. if you go thru all threads patiently your mind will be cleared from all of your doubts and u will come to know how to behave with your MIL and husband. You are married for only 10 months and u r thinking of ashrams and all. You will have to face someother kind of problems there. So try to fine peace within your house and ur family. Find some friends nearby. Enjoy your time with them and spend some time here in IL. will find solace.

    Happy married life.

    with love
    Lakshmi
     
  5. monlisa

    monlisa Senior IL'ite

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    My best suggestion is go through all the previous posts...they will really gives you the solutions to all your problems....I almost read all the posts and i learnt a lot..I amnot so experienced in dealing these situations ..I never had these things..but one thing i can strongly suggest you is be positive and strong and smart ...
     
  6. balamotwani

    balamotwani Bronze IL'ite

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    Hi Vydehi,

    It is so surprising that many from US have some problem or the other with In laws and hubbies. I thought those who are there are educated, confident, strong, smart and redy to face any issues....

    Is it because that your environment is so small that you dont know that these things are common issues to many ladies around the world? Dont live in a small circle, come out of it. As others said just go thru the problems written by many ladies in this forum and you will be easily able to find some solution to yours.

    I know many husbands who love to comment on wife's parents, some are serious and some does jokingly. Whatever it is, wife always feel hurt in whichever way hubby or anyone comments. So Ladies just ignore such comments done by anyone - Hubby, SIL, MIL,.....

    I know many husbands who always does something weird that will make wife to stop arguing and fighting like the one you have mentioned. Just try to discuss with your sister or parents and talk to your hubby patiently.

    There are always MILs who thinks that they can choose better clothes than anybody else and they prefer their DIL's to wear them. It may be sometimes outof affection or to affect the DIL. So dont get offended. When they want you to bend for everything, it is upto you to decide. If you want listen patiently for some time and dont fight with your hubby, may be they will change or jus dress up th way you want and ignore their comments.
    It is too early for you to think about ashrams. Have patience in life. Dont be hasty in taking decisions. Spend time on IL, go for walk, read magazines, make friends, do some part time. Keep yourself busy. Join gym, do exercise, go to beauty parlour, make friends,................

    Dont think too much on these issues, then everything will be fine. Pray. Have belief.
     
  7. Vidya24

    Vidya24 Gold IL'ite

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    Dear lmani,

    I read your reply to Vydehi with much interest and curiosity.

    If I may ask - did you suggest that Vydehi should watch Laga Chuniri mein Daag as a means of entertainment to forget her problem for two plus hours? Or did you suggest the same cos Vydehi could draw some lessons from the flick that she could apply to easen her situation?

    I only ask because I saw Lagaa Chuniri mein daag on friday and it did not seem to have any such lessons and it was pretty sad. So, I will be really grateful if you could explain.

    Thanks
    best regards
    Vidya24





     
  8. Vidya24

    Vidya24 Gold IL'ite

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    Dear Vydehi,

    I was sorry to read your post. In many families, newly wed daughters in law face many, many problems with their MIL and SIL. I myself have been thru much harassment from my MiL initially, though she treats me better now. I know this does not make your suffering less, but atleast know that yours is not an isolated case.

    Since you are newly married, it will take some time for your husband to fully realise that all your loyalties are with him and his family. When he understands that, he himself will control his sister and talk to his mother about treating you better. Actually, most sons think that their mothers can do no wrong. And it takes them some time to comprehend that their wives are being ill treated.

    In the long run, you dont have to worry about how MIL and SIL treat you. All that matters, is that you and hubby share love and trust and live happily with your children.

    Dont worry, that day will come and will come soon, by God's Grace. Till then we are all praying for you and are here as a support group for you.

    love,hugs
    Vidya
     
  9. vandanaoza

    vandanaoza New IL'ite

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    Sorry that you are going through these problems only after 10 months of marriage. Here are my thoughts hope it will help you:
    1. When your husband makes fun of your parents, why don’t you participate too and see what he does. Does he stop knowing that it is not hurting you or does he continues with it? Sometime some men love their wives but at the same time they like to control by doing some small stuffs like making fun of their family or friends. It is just 10 months together and you guys are trying to learn each other.
    2. You are away from your in laws right now so don’t bring them in the picture put them away and draw picture of you and your husband and your future with him. What would you like from your future? What do you want to accomplish? Where you want to be from five years now? Just remember there is no point of wasting time on something happened in the past. What your in-laws did was the past now is the present. Try to live in present and for future. You can bring changes if you change your thought process in positive mode.
    3. I am not saying that there is no fault from your husband side and in laws side. 90% they are wrong with their attitude.
    4. Fighting battle: Fighting for right thing is very important in life (but you have to be sure you are fighting for right). Just think why Lord Krishna supported Mahabharat Yudh for justice and fairness. That doesn’t mean you should start war but you should stand up for right thing and treatment. If your husband express that you should spend time with your inlaws tell him that you will do your best but at the same time you would like to stay with your parents and you will visit your in-laws often.
    5. Take one advice from me one should never fight for work because work is life. When your in-laws give you chores just think of a good exercise for your body take it as a positive and see how fast you will finish it without having any bad feelings.
    6. At the same time I will not advice you to take any verbal abuse from any of them. Once you take that they will use it throughout the whole life because they know you don’t respect yourself. Respect yourself and other will respect you in same way. I don’t agree with lots of women’s suggestions that just listen whatever they say. I am sorry but verbal abusement doesn’t stop by taking it. It stops by standing for yourself. I will advice you never take any cursing or swearing from your in-laws or your husband. If they curse or swears at you, all you have to do is put your hand in front of them and say stop right there they are crossing line and walk away that is all no screaming, yelling or defending yourself. If he comes after you, go for walk tell him that we will talk about this when he calms down. Right now is not a good time to talk about this.
    I know it sounds too much to ask but trust me this works may be not first time but if you keep repeating it he will know you won’t take wrong behavior from him. If he started hurting himself show him concern later but not at that time and back up with defense. Most Indian men likes to practice that don’t know why. Guess what nobody like to hurt themselves he knows his limit and he will stop when he feels that he is really hurting himself so don’t buy that technique that he will do something to himself. He will not hurt himself even for god so don’t worry about it.
    7. Bring some spice in your life no movie no outgoing is just excuse. If he is not doing it, make him do it with you. Candle up the house with good smell, wear romantic cloths, share your true feeling with your husband never hide just because he will get upset or he will think your are stupid. Just think this way you have to live with him your whole life he might as well find out now who you are in true sense if he can live with you for who you are.
    Trust me arrange marriage and love marriage has to do nothing with the marital problems otherwise America should be free of all these problems. It doesn’t matter where you are in what culture problems will retain. What matters is how do you handle the problem and where you want to take that problem. It sounds like from this tread that you are in IL. I am from IL if you are interested i can pass my email or we can chat through yahoo messenger. If you want to make friend, feel free to use me.
    Good Luck!
    Vandana
     
  10. lmani

    lmani Senior IL'ite

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    Dear Vidya
    It is women empowerment.Take charge and overcome it.There are very few people who will remember.
    Thank you
     

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